Jackson vs. Obama

Of course by this point, you should have figured out that:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore
5th Round: 54% of 50 votes against George Washington

PROS: At this point, Jackson has to be recognized as the Ultimate Presidential Survivor. His early life was filled with war, famine, disease, imprisonment, and all manner of nastiness, and he survived. His adulthood was filled with more war, more disease, and added in some assassination attempts and duels, to boot. And still, he survived to become a juggernaut in the Arena. Add to that the fact that he was, to put it mildly, an ornery old cuss, and you have a man one bout away from being hailed as the Ultimate Commander in Chief.

CONS: Jackson was 62 when he made it to the presidency. That's kinda old! And again, he lived a hard life, so while he may have been 62, his Real Age was probably already into his 80s. That's not something you should discount so easily, especially when he's facing a relatively young, fit opponent.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.5% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson
2nd Round: 76.5% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson
3rd Round: 76.2% of 21 votes against David Palmer
4th Round: 53.9% of 701 votes against Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
5th Round: 55.1% of 69 votes against Theodore Roosevelt

PROS: Obama is a young guy who is in fantastic shape. He's athletic and although he doesn't have much mass to him, he's wiry. One probably doesn't think of "ultimate fighter" when one thinks of Obama, but someone recently has reminded us that he was a community organizer in the South Side of Chicago, which means, at the very least, he commanded a bunch of respect with the toughies.

CONS: We'd like to assume that he commanded respect by literally knocking heads together, but that's not likely. If FOX News was making a big deal about the fact that Obama hugged a "radical" law professor over 20 years ago, we'd be hearing about the time he beat up some neighborhood punks. The truth of the matter is that nothing has seemed to get Obama's ire up. Given his opponent this time around, rage-level may play a key role in this fight.

Pre-Game Analysis
Tony: If there's been one thing propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, it's probably been spite. Spite and fury. Wait, that's two things. If there's been two things propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, they've probably been spite and fury. Yeah. What's impressive about that is that Jackson has come this far with a big target on his back. He was the title fighter of the Jackson Bracket, after all, and that number one seed comes with expectations. Jackson never caved to the pressure. He rode his badassery all the way to this final confrontation.

And now? Now, he smells blood. He's carved through all manner of presidential fodder on his way here, up to and including the Father of our Freaking Country. Now, he faces a guy who can't get mad? Please. All you have to do to get Jackson mad is flash a $20-bill at him. "That portrait of me is abhorrent!" Jackson says, when confronted with such a denomination. "Also, what is this Federal Reserve nonsense?" And in a flurry of fists, the poor sap showing Jackson the bill is reduced to a fine red mist.

So yeah, you think Jackson is vulnerable here? I wouldn't bet on it.

Doug: Both of these guys are slim dudes, both standing at 6'1". That's probably the only thing these two have in common. Obama's cool, calm and collected while Jackson was so filled with rage that I'd imagine bile occasionally just shot out of his pores. Say what you will about cool vs. angry, both landed them into the Championship.

Obama's the Cinderella story here. He was destined to go far in this tournament, but the last few rounds have been rather surprising. After beating the indestructible guy who fell out of an airplane in his 80s and the guy who survived two out of three assassination attempts, he went on to defeat the guy who averaged receiving 233 votes per fight and then sent Theodore Roosevelt packing. You may be saying, "Yeah, but this is Andrew Jackson." Let me remind you: Teddy Roosevelt!

If anyone could silence Old Hickory, it's going to be someone much younger and in much better shape. With the exception of Thomas Whitmore, Jackson hasn't really encountered that in the Arena. Obama could be the guy to finish Jackson off.

The Chief: And with that, let us begin our final fight. Who is the ultimate winner in Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH's Presidential Gladiatorial Arena? Let us know who you think would win this week's fight. Vote and leave a comment. Polls close 9am Mountain Time on Friday.

Jackson vs. Obama

Washington vs. Roosevelt

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round:  92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.7% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland (24)
3rd Round: 95.24% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren
4th Round: 67.86% of 28 votes against Jack Ryan
5th Round: 46% of 50 votes against Andrew Jackson

PROS: He's a really tall fighter who commanded an underfed army against a superpower. Then came out of retirement to help whip up the Constitution and to become the nation's first president. The dude doesn't know when to quit, so he doesn't.

CONS: His military record wasn't as amazing as we'd like to think.

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln
4th Round: 88.6% of 44 votes against John F. Kennedy
5th Round: 44.9% of 69 votes against Barack Obama

PROS: A spectacular physical and mental specimen, Theodore Roosevelt is the epitome of badassery. Or, well... he should be. And now, you know he's pissed.

CONS: Had a tendency to sulk like you wouldn't believe, and given that he lost last week, he might be in one of those sulks for this contest.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Washington came pretty close to winning his last fight, but it wasn't his first lost battle. As mentioned earlier, he had been defeated a few times during the Revolutionary War. The guy knows how to get back up, dust himself off, and get back fighting. If he wasn't able to do that, we'd have Elizabeth II on all of our money today.

If Washington can strike back and get Cornwallis and the British Empire to surrender, he could take care of Teddy Roosevelt. It won't be pretty, but he'll get the job done.

Tony: Oh, Teddy. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. How did you end up here? You were the chosen one! By me, anyway. I probably wasn't the only one, though. Sigh.

Look, TR is a man who can overcome all manner of obstacles. For example, he spent the first ten or so years of his life in a constant battle with his own body. He eventually won that battle, and went on to become the rootin'-tootin' presidential berserker we know and love. My point here is, he's not going to let his defeat in the last match slow him down. No, instead he's going to give George Washington the full Big Stick treatment*, then when he steps onto the third place podium at the HttCttD awards banquet**, he's going to turn to the man standing next to him, and start throwing haymakers. It isn't going to be pretty, but it's going to be damn amusing.

The Chief: Well, there you have it folks. Come Friday, one of these two will have done something that only one other Arena combatant can claim: win in his final match. But which one? We'll find out...

*- Not a sexual euphemism. I think.
**- I may have just made this event up.

Washington vs. Roosevelt

Obama vs. Roosevelt

It should be noted:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.48% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson
2nd Round: 76.47% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson
3rd Round: 76.19% of 21 votes against David Palmer
4th Round: 53.88% of 701 votes against Josiah "Jed" Bartlet

PROS: He's young, athletic and in great shape. He's got smarts and he's a cool customer. He also doesn't back down from a challenge, even if he is an underdog.

CONS: He maybe has a tendency to be too thoughtful. This is a good thing when you're in the Oval Office, trying to come up with a way to revamp the nation's health care system. It's not so good in the Arena.

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln
4th Round: 88.6% of 44 votes against John F. Kennedy

PROS: Was an avid adventurer and all around physical specimen. Survived an assassination attempt in spectacular fashion. Was Teddy Effing Roosevelt.

CONS: Physical fitness was mostly a ruse to cover up being physically dubious. Boxing matches while president had a tendency to leave him slightly blinded.


Pre-Fight Analysis
Doug: Roosevelt's going to be a tough one for Obama. While Obama is quite athletic and keep good care of his body, Roosevelt is, well, Roosevelt. He stormed San Juan Hill. He hung out in the Badlands. He hunted big game. And yes, he once gave a speech, despite the fact that he had just been shot in the chest.

Being a Chicago politician, Obama is prone to the occasional voter irregularity in the Arena...

In case you don't feel like scrolling up a bit.

... I believe that this was more of an anti-Bartlet movement and less of a pro-Obama movement.

So, although Obama has plenty going for him, this is going to be Roosevelt's show.


Tony: By now, everyone knows that TR was my choice to win the entire tournament. So, I obviously have a little skin in this game. But man, this is gonna be a tough one for ol' Ted. He's been holding his own against some tough competition, but Barack Obama is definitely the toughest opponent he's faced to this point. Like JFK, Obama is relatively young. However, unlike JFK, Obama is physically sound. Will that be enough to make a difference?

Well, considering the last time Theodore Roosevelt faced a young and able competitor, he won with 73% of the vote, I don't think Obama is going to fare much better. It's gonna be tough, but TR will make it through to the championship. Obama's consolation will be a third-place matchup, and an education into how a true Progressive fights. Roosevelt for the win!

The Chief: I'm sure, at this point, you understand the concept of Semifinals; the winner of this match goes on to the Championships. So make it count. Be heard! Vote and comment. Voting closes Friday at 9am Mountain Time.

Obama vs. Roosevelt

Jackson vs. Washington

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore

PROS: Jackson's entire life was spent getting kicked in the teeth in various ways. He not only overcame all that adversity, he thrived off of it. And we are once again obligated to mention the whole Richard Lawrence assassination attempt thing, which... seriously.

CONS: Jackson was not exactly a spring chicken by the time he made it to the presidency... but that's about all we've got. Oh, except also, there was the genocide. Don't want to overlook the genocide.

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round:  92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.7% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland (24)
Round of 16: 95.24% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren
Quarterfinals: 67.86% of 28 votes against Jack Ryan

PROS: Washington took a ragtag army with very little supplies and took on one of the biggest superpowers. And he freakin' won! He also knew how to fight and box as well. So he has the tactics, the ability and the physical stature of a fighter.

CONS: Though he led the colonies to the win, it was a pretty sloppy victory. Like imagine a quarterback throwing four interceptions, but winning anyway. Only instead of football, it's a war where the general almost got himself captured and where New York City fell under British control.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Hoo boy, this is a tough one. But I'm definitely going to have to go with the experienced general who is a Pisces.

Ha! See what I did there? It's funny because they're both... okay, I'll move on.

Both of these guys are ready to fight, but I'm guessing Jackson will go the "flailing wildly while blind with anger" route where Washington would be a bit calmer. Not to say that Jackson's style wouldn't do any damage, but it would probably tire him eventually. So while this kind of fighting worked fine against the likes of William H. Taft or even Thomas J. Whitmore, it may not work as well against Washington, who doesn't know how to give up.

Washington's been in the shit. He froze his ass off in Valley Forge while his soldiers were dropping like flies around him. He knows how to turn things around and end up on top. Washington will be a bloody mess, but just when Jackson thinks he's in the homestretch, that's when George comes alive and brings the pain onto the fatigued Jackson.

Tony: Here's a practical question: when has Jackson's blind-rage bezerking ever failed him? Oh, how about never. On the other hand, George Washington has a career fighting record that is distinctly less than 100%. What's up with that?

Here's the thing, though: Jackson wasn't just a wrecking ball filled with bile, he also represented a new wave of American politician, one that valued the "common man" over the elites favored by Jeffersonian Democracy. Now, obviously, you could rightly argue that the man who best represents the values of Jeffersonian Democracy was... Thomas Jefferson. He's obviously not in the picture at the moment. But, I'm guessing George Washington would make for a pretty good stand in. Thus, this fight isn't between two of America's great leaders, but a battle for the future of the country itself. A battle for the soul of Democracy. With those stakes, Jackson isn't going to back down easily.

Besides, Washington isn't going to be able to bottle Jackson up at Yorktown and hope that he gives up before hurricane season. Jackson's going to send Washington to the great Mount Vernon in the sky.

Does Sky Mount Vernon have slavery?

Jackson vs. Washington

Roosevelt vs. Kennedy

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt

26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln

PROS: Theodore Roosevelt took exactly zero shit from anyone, including his own body, which he worked into peak condition after a frail childhood. He was hella manly, and he was one of the youngest presidents ever. Also, there was the time he got shot before a speech, proceeded to give said speech, and did not go to the hospital until said speech was concluded.

CONS: Roosevelt could get into funks like few before him and few since. Also, his physical condition was built upon a body that seemingly could not actually sustain it, which is not what you want when fighting for one's life. Also, as a commenter pointed out in his last time around, Roosevelt had a penchant for getting his retina detached during boxing matches. Hmmm.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
35th President of the United States
Served: 1961-1963
Ages during term: 44-46

Arena Experience
1st Round: 73% of 15 votes against Dave Kovic
2nd Round: 56% of 25 votes against Dwayne E.M.D.H. Camacho
3rd Round: 53% of 30 votes against George H.W. Bush

PROS: While serving in the Navy during World War II, when JFK's ship sank, he swam for hours in shark-infested waters while towing an injured crew member by his life jacket with his teeth. If that's not a clear enough sign of him being able to handle pressure, he got us through the Cuban Missile Crisis. And to show that he's well-rounded, he also picked up a Pulitzer Prize.

CONS: By the time he made it to the White House, JFK was suffering from a number of ailments, including Addison's Disease and chronic back pain. His body was pretty much ready to self-destruct, so it's safe to assume his "towing someone with his teeth" days were far behind him.

Pre-fight Analysis
Doug: What is JFK still doing here? He beat someone who was his age but was in perfect health, a five-time "Ultimate Smackdown Champion," and a guy who enjoyed jumping out of planes so much, he did it well into his 80s. How is any of this even possible? The man was no slouch, but he was in terrible shape.

Is he getting votes because he had mistresses? That shouldn't be the basis for advancing in the Arena. If it was, then Warren G. Harding should have gotten past the 1st Round.

One would think that this week will be all Roosevelt -- it should be -- but who knows?

Interesting thing that we should remember about Roosevelt's detached retina. Roosevelt challenged that other guy to the boxing match while he was president. It's almost as if this Arena was built for him.

Tony: Roosevelt is going to come into this fight confident, but not too confident. He's had a relatively easy go of it so far, of course, up to last round, but when he spies his opponent, he's going to know he'll have to bring his best stuff. After all, JFK and Teddy Roosevelt aren't too dissimilar in age. Granted, Roosevelt won't have any way of knowing that JFK isn't in as prime condition as he might appear.

So they're probably going to circle each other, warily, until one of them makes the first move. After that, it's going to be all Roosevelt. Which is sad, because I can imagine the two of them getting along very well, in a weird sort of way. Bully for them both! But mostly for Roosevelt.

The Chief: Bully, indeed. Voters, it's time to have your say! Which of these two illustrious Presidents will move on to the Rushmore Four? You've got until 9 a.m., MDT, to vote. We'll be back Wednesday!

Roosevelt vs. Kennedy

Obama vs. Bartlet

As always:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.48% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson.
2nd Round: 76.47% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson.
3rd Round: 76.19% of 21 votes against David Palmer.

PROS: Obama is one of the youngest and most physically fit in the entire bracket. He entered the presidential race knowing how how big of a challenge that would have been AND if he did win, how much of challenge inheriting the presidency in 2009 would be. He did it anyway, and the U.S. didn't tip over into Great Depression II territory. Point being, he's always up for a challenge and he beats the odds.

CONS: He thinks too much and he doesn't really show anger. Really? That's all we've got? No, I guess these are valid. Some other combatants are just walking balls of rage and that's working quite well for them.

Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
Portrayed by Martin Sheen in The West Wing
Age: Sheen was 58 when the show premiered, and 66 when it, along with his fictional presidency ended.

Arena Experience:
1st round: 88.7% of 97 votes against John Tyler.
2nd Round: 81% of 100 votes against LBJ.
3rd Round: 88.6% of 186 votes against Franklin Pierce

PROS: Has incredibly impressive intellectual heft on his side, with deep knowledge of a broad range of subjects. Remains incredibly popular despite not having added much to the political discourse in the better part of a decade.

CONS: Diagnosed with M.S., which most voters apparently haven't heard of, despite apparently being slavish fans of The West Wing.

Pre-fight Analysis
Tony: I mean, I don't really know what to say, any more. Bartlet's been one of the most consistently dominating competitors in the Arena, outclassing his opponents, seemingly without breaking a sweat. Despite the fact that his body has all the dependability of an [insert ethnicity you wish to slur] car, Bartlet's been battering, bullying, and bashing bastpast all comers. And you know what? Good for him.

However, I think if one was to make a Venn diagram of Bartlet supporters overlapping with Obama supporters, the result would look like a singularly oblong purple circle. Will Bartlet's supporters stick with him, or will they defect to the (relatively) new kid in town? I honestly have no idea. This should be fun.

Doug: Yeah, if we came up for taglines for each of the fights, this week's would be "Obama vs. Bartlet: Suck it, liberals; you have to vote against one of them."

I'm pretty sure Bartlet supporters would vote for him even if he was up against a 20-foot tall Theodore Roosevelt.

Granted, the big stick wouldn't be allowed in the Arena, but he'd still be 20 feet tall.

And I guess that makes sense; Bartlet's smart and a great debater. He even cursed out God... in Latin! None of these have anything to do with athleticism or ability to fight, but that's all apparently beside the point in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena.

The Chief: As always, voting closes Friday 9am Mountain Time. The winner moves on to the Rushmore Four.

Obama vs. Bartlet

Washington vs. Ryan

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Ages during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round: 92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.75% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland
3rd Round: 95% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren

PROS: Is one helluva guy. You know, the kind who can wrestle/box you into submission, or also outmaneuver the vastly superior forces of his opponent into submission. Either one.

CONS: Doesn't have a spotless record, militaristically-speaking.

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon.
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, yeah, something like that.

Arena Experience
1st Round: 76.47% of 34 votes against Millard Fillmore
2nd Round: 75% of 20 votes against Tom Beck
3rd Round: 53.33% of 45 votes against Harry S Truman

PROS: Let's review how he became president. After a lifetime of being plain old awesome, "they" decided to make Ryan the vice president -- very similar to how Theodore Roosevelt got the gig. The night he was "veeped" (that's a word, right?), a jet crashed into the Capitol, killing lots of people including the president, but excluding Ryan.

CONS: He's a daredevil who has a habit of biting off more than he can chew, and we're not just saying that because he was once portrayed by Ben Affleck who once portrayed Daredevil. True, he has had a long history of prevailing, but his luck is bound to run out eventually.

Pre-Fight Analysis
Tony: If this were a battle of name recognition, then hey, it'd probably be no contest. My informal polling tells me that 117% of people have heard of George Washington. Jack Ryan? Eh, slightly less than that. However! This is a fight to the death, a no-holds-barred contest of physical prowess and mental fortitude. In that light, this contest becomes a little harder to call.

Both of these guys have impressive credentials: Ryan as a world-saving CIA analyst, Washington as the Father of the United States. Again, those don't seem equal, but I encourage our voters to look a little deeper at this one. To explore the Arena space, if you will. If they do, I think they'll be impressed at how close this match should be.

And then, they'll vote for Washington, because: seriously.

Doug: This is a fight between two people who got shit done. It may not have looked pretty at times, but in the end, the fat King George stopped pushing us around / the world wasn't obliterated.

That being said, I think the only thing that may ruin things for Ryan would be the fact that things weren't constantly exploding around him. The lack of explosions could probably just distract him. It's going to take him a while to get used to the fact that there's only one person after him at a time, and that he has no other risks to watch out for. Once he gets a handle on that, he could probably take Washington down.

One more thing before I go. Imagine how awesome the painting Ryan Crossing the Delaware would be.

Oh, yes. Oh... oh... yes.

This seems kind of boring in comparison, doesn't it?

The Chief: Vote! Comment! Only one of these men will make it to the Rushmore Four.

Washington vs. Ryan

Jackson vs. Whitmore

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower

PROS: Jackson comes into the Arena as a veteran of both wars, and assassination attempts. He's the ultimate survivor.

CONS: By the time he gained the presidency, Jackson was somewhat removed from his fighting peak. Could be a problem. Granted, it hasn't been so far, but you never know.

Thomas J. Whitmore
Fictional President of the United States played by Bill Pullman
Served: In the film Independence Day (1996)
Age during term: Pullman was 42 when the movie was released

Arena Experience
1st Round: 64.6% of 113 votes against James Garfield
2nd Round: 69.2% of 26 votes against Thomas Jefferson
Round of 16: 73.9% of 23 votes against Kang from The Simpsons

PROS: Whitmore's a young guy and a fighter pilot flew in Desert Storm. When the aliens came to destroy Earth, instead of hiding in some underground bunker, hoping things would shake out with mankind on top, Whitmore suited up and lead the charge against the aliens. And we won! So he's fearless and he gets the job done.

CONS: Before entering the Arena, we know of one fist fight that Whitmore was involved with. It was with David Levinson (played by Jeff Goldblum), who survived the fight without any visible scars or loss of limbs. Granted, that was outside of the Arena, so he was bound by local statutes banning aggravated assault and the like. Still, the fact that Levinson didn't flinch being in Whitmore's presence means that he didn't get much of a fight.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Whitmore has a few things going for him here.

1) Age: He's about a quarter-century younger than Jackson.
2) His chest cavity is not full of bullets that rattle around like a bag of marbles, unlike Jackson

We're not saying Jackson was the real-life inspiration for "Operation," but... you never know.

I'd have to say that that last one is a half-blessing, half-curse. Having multiple bullets lodged in one's body doesn't sound all that good for the health. However, if the bullets haven't stopped Jackson yet, what will? Probably not Whitmore.

Tony: True enough, Jackson's age is the real wildcard in the equation that is this fight... or at least, it would be if Jackson wasn't an inhuman rage machine that ran on pure bile. Now, okay, it's possible that Jackson was, in fact, a regular-ish person just like the rest of us, but having looked at Jackson's c.v., I'm, not convinced. I mean, the man survived war, famine, disease, war, poverty, war, duels, war, assassination attempts, war, and being alive in the 1800s.

"Suck it, haters."

I understand that Whitmore's got "surviving aliens" going for him, which is nice, but I don't think he's going to stand much of a chance against Ol' Hickory.

The Chief: Well, it's time for the readers to decide! Who will prevail in our first quarterfinal matchup, Andrew Jackson, or Thomas Whitmore? Vote now!

Jackson vs. Whitmore

Bush vs. Kennedy

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

George H.W. Bush

41st President of the United States

Years Served: 1989-1993
Ages during term: 64-68

Arena Experience: Bush has been in the Arena twice and both times, he had beaten a Harrison with two-thirds of the vote. In the 1st Round, he beat Benjamin Harrison. In the 2nd Round, he met up with Benji's grandfather, William Henry Harrison.

PROS: Enlisted into the Navy shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor and soon became the youngest naval airman in the history of the force. He was no schlub, either. He earned a few honors, including the Distinguished Flying Cross. Later, he became the Director of the CIA. I may not have a proper grasp of the CIA, but I'd imagine being in the CIA means he knows how to kill s guy quickly and quietly.

CONS: Despite his military service, Bush had a hard time shaking a preppy image that came from graduating from the Phillips Academy and Yale University. As president, he also had a hard time identifying some dangers. He underestimated the problem with the economy and it eventually cost him the Election of 1992.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

35th President of the United States

Served: 1961-1963

Ages during term: 44-46

Arena experience: JFK's road to the round of 16 was paved with the blood of fictional presidents. By which we mean, he took down Dave Kovic from Dave with 73.3% of the vote, and then squeaked by Dwayne (interminable series of middle initials) Camacho with 56%.

PROS: Kennedy was a WWII hero who pulled off a series of daring exploits in order to save the lives of his crew (and himself) after his boat was demolished in the South Pacific. He also won a Pulitzer for his post-war academic work, and showed himself to be fairly cool under pressure during the Cuban Missile Crisis, which thanks to said coolness, did not result in the world being reduced to a radioactive cinder.

CONS: Kennedy's body was in horrible shape by the time he made it to the Presidency, and had in fact been in poor shape for a while (the only reason he was in the Navy was because the Army took one look and said "thanks, but no thanks."). Also, Kennedy got a lot of mileage in life out of the connections he inherited from being rich as balls, so there's that. 

Pre-Fight Analysis

Doug: I'm putting all of my money on the WWII-vet born from a rich New England family.

No, really folks. I want the voters to take a step back and not get drawn into the glitz and glamour of JFK. Yes, Camelot is way more interesting than Kennebunkport. Jackie Kennedy was graceful, elegant, and beautiful while Barbara Bush, ehh, less so. JFK had oodles of affairs, some still surfacing fifty years later. Bush... well, we'd rather not think about that.

Regardless,  we're still going to put images in your head.

This isn't a contest to see who banged hotter babes. The blog isn't called Tail to the Chief... to the Death. The truth is that, even though Bush is two decades older, he's in way better shape the JFK.

Plus which, according to some of the conspiracy theories, the CIA assassinated JFK. So doesn't that kind of mean that Bush had already won this one?

Tony: JFK comes into this matchup in an interesting state. His body is like someone crossed the Millenium Falcon with the starship Enterprise*; looks great on the outside, but everything inside is being held together by various ramshackle methods of dubious quality. And yes, I just mixed franchises on everyone. Deal.

The Enterprise would win, by the by.

On the other hand, JFK dispatched a rather strong opponent in the last round, meaning that he's going to have a chance in every matchup he's thrown into. While it's impressive that Bush made it to this round of the tournament, he doesn't really have a signature win to his credit. He's defeated a couple of Harrisons, and that's it. Eh, I dunno. I could say I'm impressed, but it would be that condescending sort of impressed you get when old people do normal things. Not that surviving in the Arena is normal, per se... but I digress.

I think this one's close, but JFK comes out on top.

*-for this analogy, I will only accept the TOS and TNG versions of the Enterprise; don't even try to bring that prequel bullshit in here

Bush vs. Kennedy

Roosevelt vs. Lincoln

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience: Probably has the most impressive Arena résumé to date. Having pitched shutouts against both of his previous opponents. He shut out Baxter Harris, then went on to blank Mays Gilliam. Solid.

PROS: Is Teddy Roosevelt, American Badass. Oh, you want more? Fine. Roosevelt was an avid outdoorsman for most of his life. And when we say "outdoorsman," we mean it-- hunting, mountaineering, general expeditioneering, he did it all. Also, during his attempt to run for a third term in office, Roosevelt was shot before delivering a speech. He stayed to finish said speech, and only went to the hospital afterwards. BAD. ASS.

CONS: Teddy's vigor was a way of making up for being hella sick as a child. Could that come back and bite him in the ass? Possibly. Also, Teddy was a man who could fall into a serious funk. Relevant? Eh, maybe.

Abraham Lincoln
16th President of the United States
Served: 1861-1865
Ages Served: 52-56

Arena Experience: Lincoln met with Zachary Taylor in the 1st Round and finished him off with 84.5% of the vote. Moving on to the 2nd Round, he met his own general and close friend, Ulysses S. Grant. Lincoln earned 62.5% of the vote, getting him a ticket to the Round of 16.

PROS: As a boy, Lincoln figured out that the only way out of a life of the poor farmer was some fancy book learnin'. Since he couldn't afford an education, he taught himself. From there, he hoisted himself out of a life of having to survive horse kicks to the head and milk poisoning and into the life of being a lawyer. So, while he's a hard enough worker to pull himself out of a life of manual labor, he's still tough enough to survive milk poisoning and a kick to the head from a horse.

CONS: Lincoln was kind of a one-man failure parade for most of his life. Oh sure, in the beginning of his law career, he quickly became well-respected, and in the last five years of his life, he pulled off an unlikely presidential election win and had a presidency that is still regarded as one of the best in our history. But between that was a series of failed businesses and lost elections. Also, there's evidence that he may have been depressed, even suicidal.

Pre-Game Analysis
Doug: Wow! Talk about an unlucky draw for Lincoln. War hero in the 1st Round. In the 2nd Round? Another war hero. So, he's done with war heroes, right? No. In the Round of 16, he has to face the guy who resigned his cushy job serving under a Cabinet member to become a war hero.

I'm pretty sure if it was a 9-year-old Lincoln facing off against a 9-year-old Roosevelt, Lincoln would mop the floor with the rich asthmatic city boy. However, this is President Roosevelt against President Lincoln.

These two have spent the last several decades just staring at each other.

I'm glad Roosevelt is finally matched up with someone worth fighting. Lincoln's tough, but I don't know if he's tough in a "would be able to handle Roosevelt" sort of way. I can say, with great confidence, that this will be Roosevelt's closest match yet. That's like saying the Madonna Super Bowl Halftime Show was going to be better than the Black Eyed Peas', but not as good as Springsteen's. That's a wide, attainable range.

Tony: Yeah, Lincoln's going to be doing well for himself if he even convinces anyone to vote for him. But as for beating Roosevelt? I'm just not seeing it. Which isn't to say that Roosevelt should be overlooking the ol' Union Splitter, but let's list some facts: TR was a war hero. Lincoln was not. TR was a Nobel laureate. Lincoln? Not so much. TR had the blood of long forgotten gods coursing through his veins. Lincoln? Just had the red stuff.

Okay, so I may have made that last bit up. But then, there's this:

Yes. Oh, yes. Source

I think someone tipped us off to this last time TR was around, but I can't find said tip, so... thanks, anonymous Internet person! And if you need any more proof of TR being amazing, Kate Beaton has your back.

Bottom line? TR may be tested here, but he's gonna sail into the next round.

The Chief: Well, readers... now, it's up to you. Or down to you. One of those, certainly. Whatever, the point is, it's voting time. You know what to do!

Roosevelt vs. Lincoln

Pierce vs. Bartlet

Franklin Pierce
14th President of the United States
Served: 1853-1857
Ages served: 48-52

Arena Experience: Pierce got rid of John Quincy Adams in the 1st Round with 64.7% of the vote. When he returned to the Arena, Pierce sent Gerald Ford home, earning 55.6% of the vote.

PROS: Pierce is battle-hardened and he keeps loose with lots and lots of alcohol. The result, someone with the fearlessness to march into Mexico City who is probably numb enough to not realize someone is hitting him until the next day. That's a deadly combination.

CONS: He didn't have much in they ways of good ideas. Oh sure, the Kansas-Nebraska Act sounded like a good idea on paper, but it ended up ripping open the already festering wound that was the tensions between the states. Let's hope he keeps his bad ideas to a minimum in the Arena.

Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
Portrayed by Martin Sheen in The West Wing
Age: Sheen was 58 when the show premiered, and 66 when the show, along with his fictional presidency, concluded.

Arena Experience: Met John Tyler in the first round, and flattened His Accidency with 88% of the vote. Then faced LBJ in the second round, and did only marginally worse, with 81% of the vote.

PROS: Bartlet may have the most impressive résumé, intellect-wise, out of everyone this side of Thomas Jefferson, and his knowledge base covers quite a lot of terrain. Also, he's got quite the support base online.

CONS: Can be arrogant and overconfident at times, which we keep insisting is dangerous despite the results of Bartlet's arena encounters thus far. Also has M.S. According to Wikipedia, a person with MS can suffer almost any neurological symptom or sign, including changes in sensation such as loss of sensitivity or tingling, pricking or numbness, muscle weakness, or difficulty in moving; difficulties with coordination and balance; problems in speech or swallowing, visual problems, fatigue, or chronic pain, and bladder and bowel difficulties." And that strikes us as bad, you know?

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: I could put a lot of thought into how I believe an actual fight between these two people would actually go down, but I have a feeling a vast majority of the people voting this week won’t even read it. Scroll down, click on Bartlet, see ya at the next round, bye! What makes me say that?

Bartlet has earned a total of 167 votes in his first two fights, which is far more than any other combatant in the entire tournament. Granted, it’s not comments that get people to the next round, it’s votes. But comments let us know that people are actually reading what we have to say and coming up with their own thoughts. If people were actually putting thought into voting for Bartlet, I’d imagine we’d have a lot more comments for him. Yet, we’ve only had two. So either people aren’t reading, or they don’t have their own thoughts.

As it stands now, Bartlet has amassed fewer total comments than multiple fighters who lost in the 1st Round. One of those guys doesn’t even have a name. He has no name, but he got more comments with his eight votes than Bartlet got with his 167 votes.

I realize my explanation as to why I didn’t bother going into who I think would win this thing is longer than what would have been my explanation of who I think would win this thing. It probably doesn’t matter, because you’re most likely scrolling past all of this anyway.

Tony: I can't necessarily disagree with anything you're talking about, there. If only there was some way of grabbing the attention of the people who are merely scrolling through this thing? Hmmm...














STOP SCROLLING DOWN, JERKS!













NO, SERIOUSLY, STOP THAT.














I MEAN, UNLESS YOU'VE READ THE REST OF THE POST.













THEN YOU'RE FINE.

Okay, that got the message across? I hope so!

The Chief: ...

Tony: What?

The Chief: I don't even know what to do with the two of you.

Doug: Hey, don't lump me in with him! I didn't fill the post up by hitting Return!

The Chief: Did you try and stop him?

Doug: We're in different states!

Tony: Besides, him? Stop me? Pfft.

The Chief: Okay, shut up, both of you! Readers, as always, you have until 9am MST on Friday to cast your votes. We'll be back on Wednesday; hopefully these two [redacted]s will be better behaved then.

Pierce vs. Bartlet

Palmer vs. Obama

::clears throat and breaks out the "reading the fine print" voice::

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

David Palmer
Fictional president in the TV series 24 (2001-2006)
Portrayed by Dennis Haysbert
Age: Haysbert was 48-49 when his presidential episodes aired

Arena Experience: Palmer met up with William McKinley in the 1st Round and just got by with 54.2% of the vote. In the 2nd Round, faced Franklin D. Roosevelt with even closer results, finishing with 52.2%.

Pros: Palmer has survived two assassination attempts, one of which he bounced back and was able to win the presidential election. He just rolls with whatever you serve up and he gets by no problem.

Cons: A lot of Palmer's successes, both politically and survivability, have a lot to do with Jack Bauer's help. Bauer won't be here in the Arena. It's just Palmer on his own.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience: Faced Andrew Johnson in the first round, and won a resounding 90.5% of the vote. Fought fictional Tug Benson in the second round, and didn't do quite as well, winning with 76.5%.

Pros: Obama is an expert at defying long odds and proving his doubters wrong. He's also one of the most fit entrants in the entire bracket. Also, remember this? We had kind of forgotten about it, but it's still awesome:

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

Cons: Could possibly be accused of being a bit too thoughtful. Ability to get really, truly angry has been called into question; given that he hasn't broken the thumbs of everyone in Congress by now, this might be a valid point.

Pre-Game Analysis

Tony: The question here is not, "who will win" but rather, "how many pieces will Obama break Palmer into?" Will he merely snap Palmer in half, or will the rage that's been building up over all the bullshit he's had to face lead to some kind of psychotic break, leaving nothing left in the end but tiny pieces of Palmer jerky? I mean, really... Palmer can't be anywhere as tough as Tug Benson was, and Obama carved through him like... like.. oh, geez, I had something for this. Like a boss? Meanwhile, Palmer only got 52.2% of the vote against Captain Polio FDR. This fight will only be close when viewed through some grander perspective, like sitting at the center of the galaxy and saying that Pluto is relatively close to the Sun.

Doug: Well, from his brushes with death in the 24 universe to the ones he has had in the Arena, Palmer has managed to barely scrape by each and every time. Well, except for that time the sniper shot him in the neck. He does have that going for him. However, he's going up against Obama here. Obama is incredibly popular with our readers. Only four combatants have received over 90% of the vote at least once: George Washington (3 times), Theodore Roosevelt (twice), Andrew Jackson (once) and Obama. He's in this category tied with Andrew freakin' Jackson! As much as I enjoy close matches like last week's, I don't see it happening this week.

Yeah Palmer, good luck with that.

The Chief: Pfft! If Obama's so great, why couldn't he sing more than one line of that Al Green song? Polls close Friday 9am Mountain Standard Time.

Palmer vs. Obama

Truman vs. Ryan

Harry S Truman
33rd President of the United States
Served: 1945-1953
Age During Term: 60-68

Arena Experience: Ran up against James K. Polk in round one, and came away with 70% of the vote. Round 2 saw him going up against Calvin Coolidge, and he did even better, gaining 76.9%.

Pros: Truman's ill-tempered, quick thinking, and tough as nails. And, at the risk of sounding simplistic and repetitive, there was also the whole Atomic bomb thing, so... yeah.

Cons: Owes a bit too much to powerful political friends. Also has a history of making decisions without thinking too hard about them; could be bad news.

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, mid forties?

Arena Experience: Ryan has been a pretty consistent fighter, getting about three-fourths of the vote each time. He sent the 13th president, Millard Fillmore, out of the Arena on a match that ended on a Friday the 13th with 76.5% in the 1st Round. In the 2nd Round, he met up with Tom Beck from Deep Impact and got a solid 75%.

Pros: I don't know where to start. He's Jack Ryan. He was a CIA intelligence analyst who later became a field agent. From there, he was able to pull off some ridiculous shit, putting his life in danger all in the name of preventing World War III. Seriously, check out some of the stuff he's done. That list takes you up to the part when he survived being in the Capitol when a 747 crashed into it. So on top of putting himself out there, the guy has remarkable survivability.

Cons: He's a daredevil and has a habit of getting in over his head. While he always manages to find his way out of trouble, he does have a habit of depending on luck to get him out of the bigger jams. That's good an all, but luck has a tendency to run out at inopportune times.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: It's would be fair to say that his his laundry list of amazing badassery reads like something out of a spy thriller novel turned action movie. If I wanted to split hairs and be more accurate, I'd say it reads like a series of spy thriller novels turned action movies, because that's exactly what's going on here. Jack Ryan's such a badass that they got the guy who plays Han Solo and Indiana Jones to play him in half of the movies. Add that with the fact that he's about two decades younger than Truman, and the conclusion I come up with is that Ryan should win this.

Yeah, Truman wasn't one to be messed with during World War I. But that was 30 years before he took office. Sure, maybe there's muscle memory for that sort of thing that would awaken when Truman enters the Arena. But Ryan's still in the same shape. Don't forget that Ryan's first act as president -- even before he took the presidential oath -- was surviving the burning wreckage caused by a plane crashing into the Capitol. Fighting and surviving are all Ryan knows at this point.

Tony: I'm not gonna lie to you-- I have no idea who's going to win this one. Neither of these two has been challenged thus far in their Arena adventures, meaning that they're both strong fighters in terms of this little bit of ridiculousness we've got set up, here. Now, we've got the HttCttD version of the Unstoppable Force vs. the Immovable Object.

Does Ryan have the edge here? You could say that, I guess. But on the other hand, Truman didn't take shit from anyone, and had the whole "buck stops here" thing going on. Also, Truman dropped the effing bomb, whereas Ryan always was always running around trying to stop those things from going off. I think this is gonna be close, but I think Truman has the edge.

Truman vs. Ryan

Washington vs. Van Buren

George Washington

1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Stomped Mike Brady's face to smithereens in the first round. Gave Grover Cleveland what-for in the second round. Neither match was particularly close, with Washington winning 90+% of the vote in both rounds.

PROS: Is George Effing Washington. More specifically, the Champ what Chopped the Cherry Tree has a keen tactical military mind, and is a fine physical specimen, to boot.

CONS: Didn't win every single battle ever, I guess?

Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States
Years Served: 1837-1841
Ages in Office: 54-58

Arena Experience: Van Buren met Nixon's Head from Futurama in the 1st Round and walked away with 61.9% of the vote. Next, he was able to beat Ronald Reagan with 68.8% of the vote in the 2nd Round.

PROS: He was nicknamed the Little Magician because of his ability for political machinations, which eventually got him into Andrew Jackson's good graces, and into White House. And according to an episode of Seinfeld, there's a street gang named after Van Buren that still terrorizes Manhattan.

CONS: Only part of the nickname "Little Magician" was literally true, and it's not the part that could serve him well in the Arena. Also, another reason why he was paired with Jackson on the 1832 Democratic nominee was because he was about as opposite of Jackson one could get while still remaining a Democrat, which means he was the opposite of a bad ass.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: I would say it's quite the miracle that Van Buren even made it this far. He's lucky that he was paired up with a severed head in the 1st Round. As for him beating Reagan? That's all part of the leftist slant the our voters tend to take. Personally, I thought Reagan could have had it.

And now Van Buren's luck has ran out in the worst way. He's up against George Washington.

I could point out that in the fictional universe of Seinfeld, the Van Buren Boys have taken over New York, a city Washington was forced to retreat from during the Revolutionary War as general. If the Van Buren Boys have such an easy time keeping hold of New York, why couldn't Washington? I'm kind of grasping at straws at this point.

Let's hope Van Buren has a major trick up his sleeve.

Tony: Lemme just say this: you've gotta be some kinda badass to warrant a memorial like this:

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Look at that thing. I mean, look at it. Now ask yourself, "is there a Martin Van Buren monument anywhere?" And the answer is, there's this:

Oh. Huh. That's... something, I guess. It's, uh... okay, but it's no:

*drops mic*

The Chief: Of course, the monument leaves itself open for juvenile jokesters

But Washington probably doesn't let stuff like that get him down.

Polls close Friday at 9am.

Washington vs. Van Buren