Monday, March 21, 2011

Washington vs. Brady

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

PROS: Military Genius — You might not know this, but the whole thing where the thirteen American colonies declared independence from the greatest military superpower on Earth? If Las Vegas had been invented back then, the odds against the American Revolution would have been a teeeeeensy bit long. And yet, through a combination of powerful diplomacy, inspired tactics, and personal inspiration, Washington turned the literally rag-tag Continental Army into... AMERICA.
Obligatory "Fuck yeah" here.
You don't do that without the ability to kick some serious ass. Oh, you want specifics? Battle of Trenton. Leading a surprise attack against the Hessians on Christmas Day? That's the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that leads to... AMERICA.

One imposing motha — Washington stood 6 feet, 2 inches tall. That's nothing to sneeze at, even in this day and age, but for the 1700s, it was the modern equivalent of being Godzilla. And, oh yeah, he was an avid wrestler and boxer. The take-away? YOU DON'T WANT TO STEP TO GEORGE WASHINGTON.
For extra credit, write an essay telling us how putting Washington's head on Godzilla's body is double-plus weird.
And yeah, it's hard to separate the vast amount of myths from, you know, actual facts, but Thomas Jefferson described George Washington as having a tremendously harsh temper. Like, extraordinarily explosive. So, you know, there's that.

CONS: Military... non-genius? — So, um, if you actually look at Washington's military record? Not exactly sterling. You see, the American Revolution wasn't George Washington's first pony ride; he was also a pivotal part of a little thing called the French and Indian War. And by "pivotal part," we mean that he helped start it. Basically, in 1755, Washington was put in charge of politely asking the French to leave territory that the then-British colonies had claimed in present-day Pennsylvania. Things started off generally well, until Washington's troops, along with some of their Iroquois allies, discovered a French raiding party. Shots broke out, and in the end, the French general in the area was killed (under admittedly suspicious circumstances). This led to something of a shitstorm (Washington was himself briefly captured by the French), and in 1756, France and Britain declared war.

Then, there was the Revolution. Not to leave an upper-decker in American history or anything, but Washington lost far, far more battles than he won. For every Battle of Trenton, there were two Battles of Long Island, where Washington managed to not only lose New York City, but also nearly got himself captured in the process. Yes, somehow, he managed to chess-match the British into surrendering at Saratoga... but damn if anyone can figure out quite how.

Um — That's all I've got for Cons, really. I mean... seriously?

Mike Brady
Fictional President of the United States played by Gary Cole
Served: In the 2002 Made-for-TV movie The Brady Bunch in the White House
Age: Cole was 46 when the movie aired

PROS: Luck — If there's one word to describe Mike Brady's journey to the White House, it's luck. By complete luck, his youngest son Bobby came across a wallet that had a lottery ticket that had the winning numbers. Even though his entire family wanted to claim it as their own, Brady wanted to get it to its rightful owner. When this proved to be impossible, he gave it to the federal government.

While Brady was in Washington, D.C., President Lawrence Randolph chose Brady to fill the recently vacated vice presidency seat. Randolph later won re-election with the overly honest Brady as a running mate, and then promptly steps down at his own inauguration when a scandal comes to the surface.

If he could get to the White House without even trying, he might be able to get a win in the arena in the same fashion.

Distractions — During the Brady Administration, Congress is constantly being treated to / interrupted by song and dance routines from his family. While this would not be allowed in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena, Brady’s fashion sense would be permitted.

Without realizing it (again, Brady is lucky) his clothing could distract his opponent.

Seriously, what are you wearing?

No, really?

How were you even elected vice president? Wearing stuff like that? Letterman and SNL must have given you serious shit for that.

Brady’s foe would probably be stunned, at the very least, giving Brady some extra time to get some hits in.

CONS: Awful decisions — One of Brady’s first moves as president is to pick his own wife, Carol, to be his vice president. She's not qualified for the job, but he picks her because she threatens to make him sleep on the couch if he didn't.

I'll have to double-check my book of vice presidential facts, but I'm pretty sure that's how James K. Polk chose George M. Dallas.

Another example of this is when Speaker of the House Sal Astor tricks the first / second family into thinking that an asteroid is heading for Earth, Brady doesn’t bother speaking to NASA scientists about double-checking the facts. No, instead, he addresses the nation of the planet’s imminent doom — which, I imagine, caused worldwide panic — and holes his family up in a White House bunker, essentially giving Astor the keys to the Oval Office.

Getting one past Brady is just that simple.

He’s Mike F**king Brady! — We are now two months into HttCttD action, and in that time, we’ve encountered some combatants who have had no prior fighting or military experience, but could probably hold their own if put in such a situation.

Brady would never fight another person. Even if his entire family was being tortured before his very eyes, he would tell the torturers that what they’re doing was wrong. This tactic would not work in the ring. At all. Not even a little.

The Fight
Tony: Really, I think the only argument that's needed her is contained in the following video:
Doug: That's your entire first round of debate? Fine. If we're going with fictional George Washington, then allow me to turn your attention to the episode of The Simpsons titled "Lisa the Iconoclast." In this episode, we learned that before founding the town of Springfield, Jebediah Springfield was actually known as Hans Sprungfeld. Sprungfeld was a murderous pirate who lost his tongue when it was bitten off by a Turk in a grog house fight.

Another fight on his resume? One against George Washington that took place in Trenton, N.J., in 1781.
Sprungfeld had Washington beat pretty quickly. Washington's only line of defense was grabbing a set of false teeth sitting on a table within his reach and using them against Sprungfeld. Not just anywhere, he grabs a hold of them and chomps them down on Sprungfeld's junk.

Granted, this sent Sprungfeld retreating and I guess this means that Washington won the fight. But what kind of win is that? Washington wasted no time making it dirty, either.

I understand, it's a fight to the finish and in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™, rules are clear: there are no rules.

However, I imagine there's a kind of code duello, or an unwritten set of rules for this sort of thing. Yeah, breaking them wouldn't get you disqualified from the arena, but it would make you lose respect pretty quickly. And I imagine, "no nutshots" lists pretty high on this list. None of the spectators want to see a fight where one of the combatants goes straight for knees to the groin. It's not sporting.

If that's all that Washington has going for him, then that's just sad.

Tony: Look, I'm sorry if my opening salvo didn't live up to your lofty ideals, but you know what? Brady's going to get himself pulverized. Dude's outmatched from the get-go. It's rather obvious. I can only see this playing out one of two ways:

First, Washington isn't expecting much of a fight, so he starts out easy. However, Brady's general amiability and wussy behavior ends up sticking in Washington's craw so much that he eventually snaps and starts landing haymakers.

Or, Washington, eager to satiate his blood lust, is charged up from the get go, and he eagerly enters the arena, ready to make gelato of Brady's face.

Either way, I figure Washington has a rage-blackout, and when he comes to, there's nothing but a pile of viscera where Brady used to be.

Also, I think this talk of nutshots is somewhat moot, as Brady doesn't have enough man-region to aim for.

Doug: You want rage? Who knows what Brady is capable of? Yeah, on the surface, he seems like a mega-wuss. But who knows what's brewing underneath?

You know how a dude snaps, goes berserk and ends up on the evening news for doing something awful? And then the guy's neighbors are like "Oh, I'm so shocked. He was such a nice family man." Brady could be that guy and anything could set him off. He could have a lot of repressed anger just waiting to explode. The man lived a moral and ethical life and what does he get in return? His wife died young and he was left to raise three boys alone. Then Carol comes along and then he was left to support a family of eight on an architect's salary. Plus he's expected to pay the salary of a housekeeper. From what we're left to understand, Brady's a pretty good architect, but he was no I.M. Pei. He's not exactly rolling in it, so money's probably pretty tight.

That's a lot of pressure, and the second Washington lands a punch, Brady's going to snap and come into action.
Brady will drop Washington like Casey Haynes drops bullies.
Tony: See, even if Brady snaps, I'm not sure Washington is in any real danger. From his perspective, it would be like being attacked by a particularly irate squirrel. And when you're George Washington, that's not real peril. That's... I dunno, mild peril, at most.

Maybe Washington has some trouble catching Brady. Maybe. But Brady can't hide forever, and when ol' George comes a-callin', it's gonna be pain time. Or paine tyme, depending on your personal level of kitsch.

Doug: We must not forget Brady's incredible amount of luck. Lucky in that he became president without trying, I'm not talking about that whole business with his first wife dying. It was very unlikely that a lottery ticket found by his youngest son would lead Brady to the Oval Office. But it did. Quite frankly, the odds against Brady are little high, but his luck could change that.

And to paraphrase the song that Brady's sons and step-daughters sing:
When it's time to change,
you've got to rearrange

Washington vs. Brady

1 comment:

  1. You guys are working this thing all crabbed. Of course Washington would win if Brady were human, but it is quite obvious that he is not. Who has ever known a male member of the human race to be so tranquil and conciliatory? Mike Brady is a robot, impervious to snarky comments, warm lemonade, and nutshots. He doesn't even have to go against his programming- all he has to do is wait until Washington has fought himself to exhaustion, and then hum a little tune while Washington keels over.