He's Winning, He's Winning, He's Winning

George Washington knocked Jack Ryan down like a cherry tree.

Washington's trek to the Rushmore Four has been smooth sailing; way easier than crossing the Delaware.

Washington vs. Ryan

George Washington	19 (67.9%)
Jack Ryan	9  (32.1%)

However, hhis marks the first time that Washington received less than 90% of the vote. It could be a sign of things to come for Washington. It will be an uphill battle for him.

This week's numbers were eerily similar to last week's result, which had Jackson over Whitmore 20-9. However, unlike last week, all was quiet on the commentariat front this time around. That means we're forced to sift through our Tweets.

We share this because it leads to a discussion question: If Ryan loses points because he was once portrayed by Ben Affleck, would being portrayed by Chris Pine help or hurt him? We ask because this is supposedly happening.

Adding to the list of other characters like Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Jack Donaghy, would having Captain Kirk on his side in the Arena help Ryan?

Or, at least, it was announced over two years ago. After all of this time, there still seems to be no sign of this actually happening, so we guess it doesn't really matter.

Washington will meet Andrew Jackson in the first Rushmore Four match, March 19. The winner of that will obviously advance to the Championship. The loser will get another chance at a victory and try for 3rd place. Next week, Barack Obama will meet Josiah "Jed" Bartlet.

Washington vs. Ryan

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Ages during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round: 92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.75% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland
3rd Round: 95% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren

PROS: Is one helluva guy. You know, the kind who can wrestle/box you into submission, or also outmaneuver the vastly superior forces of his opponent into submission. Either one.

CONS: Doesn't have a spotless record, militaristically-speaking.

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon.
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, yeah, something like that.

Arena Experience
1st Round: 76.47% of 34 votes against Millard Fillmore
2nd Round: 75% of 20 votes against Tom Beck
3rd Round: 53.33% of 45 votes against Harry S Truman

PROS: Let's review how he became president. After a lifetime of being plain old awesome, "they" decided to make Ryan the vice president -- very similar to how Theodore Roosevelt got the gig. The night he was "veeped" (that's a word, right?), a jet crashed into the Capitol, killing lots of people including the president, but excluding Ryan.

CONS: He's a daredevil who has a habit of biting off more than he can chew, and we're not just saying that because he was once portrayed by Ben Affleck who once portrayed Daredevil. True, he has had a long history of prevailing, but his luck is bound to run out eventually.

Pre-Fight Analysis
Tony: If this were a battle of name recognition, then hey, it'd probably be no contest. My informal polling tells me that 117% of people have heard of George Washington. Jack Ryan? Eh, slightly less than that. However! This is a fight to the death, a no-holds-barred contest of physical prowess and mental fortitude. In that light, this contest becomes a little harder to call.

Both of these guys have impressive credentials: Ryan as a world-saving CIA analyst, Washington as the Father of the United States. Again, those don't seem equal, but I encourage our voters to look a little deeper at this one. To explore the Arena space, if you will. If they do, I think they'll be impressed at how close this match should be.

And then, they'll vote for Washington, because: seriously.

Doug: This is a fight between two people who got shit done. It may not have looked pretty at times, but in the end, the fat King George stopped pushing us around / the world wasn't obliterated.

That being said, I think the only thing that may ruin things for Ryan would be the fact that things weren't constantly exploding around him. The lack of explosions could probably just distract him. It's going to take him a while to get used to the fact that there's only one person after him at a time, and that he has no other risks to watch out for. Once he gets a handle on that, he could probably take Washington down.

One more thing before I go. Imagine how awesome the painting Ryan Crossing the Delaware would be.

Oh, yes. Oh... oh... yes.

This seems kind of boring in comparison, doesn't it?

The Chief: Vote! Comment! Only one of these men will make it to the Rushmore Four.

Washington vs. Ryan

Truman Defeats Ryan

FOR THE RECORD: A headline in Friday's post incorrectly identified Harry S Truman as the victor in this week's fight. The headline should have named Jack Ryan as the winner.

We regret the error. It must be something about Truman that inspires wildly inaccurate headlines. To our defense, there was a lot more at stake when the Chicago Tribune made a similar error on the cover of its November 3, 1948 issue.

Truman vs. Ryan

Harry S Truman	21 (46.7%)
Jack Ryan	24 (53.3%)

We knew going in that this was going to be a close one. Truman led for most of the week, but Ryan turned things around and surged ahead in the last day of voting. This was one of our closest matches so far made more interesting by the fact that it marked the first time since the 1st Round where both fighters got more than 20 votes.

Though Ryan barely got more votes, Truman clearly dominated with the commentariat.

We'd like to thank DEisenhower34 for yet another insightful account of the history the textbook people are afraid to tell us. We had no idea that this was the reason behind that policy, nor were we aware of the basis of Samuel Jackson's persona. So educational!

We'd also like to pause for a moment to point out that the HttCttD blog was inaugurated a year ago today. Fifty-two eliminations, 263 comments, and 1,409 votes later and the real excitement hasn't even begun yet. Thanks to everyone for adding to our fun.

Ryan will go on and face George Washington in the Washington Bracket Finals, scheduled for Feb. 27.
Join us next week when David Palmer from 24 takes on Barack Obama.

Truman vs. Ryan

Harry S Truman
33rd President of the United States
Served: 1945-1953
Age During Term: 60-68

Arena Experience: Ran up against James K. Polk in round one, and came away with 70% of the vote. Round 2 saw him going up against Calvin Coolidge, and he did even better, gaining 76.9%.

Pros: Truman's ill-tempered, quick thinking, and tough as nails. And, at the risk of sounding simplistic and repetitive, there was also the whole Atomic bomb thing, so... yeah.

Cons: Owes a bit too much to powerful political friends. Also has a history of making decisions without thinking too hard about them; could be bad news.

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, mid forties?

Arena Experience: Ryan has been a pretty consistent fighter, getting about three-fourths of the vote each time. He sent the 13th president, Millard Fillmore, out of the Arena on a match that ended on a Friday the 13th with 76.5% in the 1st Round. In the 2nd Round, he met up with Tom Beck from Deep Impact and got a solid 75%.

Pros: I don't know where to start. He's Jack Ryan. He was a CIA intelligence analyst who later became a field agent. From there, he was able to pull off some ridiculous shit, putting his life in danger all in the name of preventing World War III. Seriously, check out some of the stuff he's done. That list takes you up to the part when he survived being in the Capitol when a 747 crashed into it. So on top of putting himself out there, the guy has remarkable survivability.

Cons: He's a daredevil and has a habit of getting in over his head. While he always manages to find his way out of trouble, he does have a habit of depending on luck to get him out of the bigger jams. That's good an all, but luck has a tendency to run out at inopportune times.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: It's would be fair to say that his his laundry list of amazing badassery reads like something out of a spy thriller novel turned action movie. If I wanted to split hairs and be more accurate, I'd say it reads like a series of spy thriller novels turned action movies, because that's exactly what's going on here. Jack Ryan's such a badass that they got the guy who plays Han Solo and Indiana Jones to play him in half of the movies. Add that with the fact that he's about two decades younger than Truman, and the conclusion I come up with is that Ryan should win this.

Yeah, Truman wasn't one to be messed with during World War I. But that was 30 years before he took office. Sure, maybe there's muscle memory for that sort of thing that would awaken when Truman enters the Arena. But Ryan's still in the same shape. Don't forget that Ryan's first act as president -- even before he took the presidential oath -- was surviving the burning wreckage caused by a plane crashing into the Capitol. Fighting and surviving are all Ryan knows at this point.

Tony: I'm not gonna lie to you-- I have no idea who's going to win this one. Neither of these two has been challenged thus far in their Arena adventures, meaning that they're both strong fighters in terms of this little bit of ridiculousness we've got set up, here. Now, we've got the HttCttD version of the Unstoppable Force vs. the Immovable Object.

Does Ryan have the edge here? You could say that, I guess. But on the other hand, Truman didn't take shit from anyone, and had the whole "buck stops here" thing going on. Also, Truman dropped the effing bomb, whereas Ryan always was always running around trying to stop those things from going off. I think this is gonna be close, but I think Truman has the edge.

Truman vs. Ryan

More Like Van Busted, Amirite?

Martin Van Buren fell victim to the checks and balances system.

He somehow scored an upset into the Round of 16, and as a result, had to go up against George Washington.

Washington vs. Van Buren

George Washington	20 (95.2%)
Martin Van Buren	1   (4.8%)

As the 1840 campaign song says "Van is a used-up man." Though say what you will about Little Van, even though he wasn't able to break 5%, he did outlive both Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

And certain props could be given to Mike Brady, Washington's 1st Round foe. That live-action proto-Flanders (sans muscles) was able to get a higher percentage of votes than any of Washington's foes. True, that was only 7.5%, but it's still somewhat impressive.

Though Washington does get the occasional dissenting voter -- 5 total so far -- the commentariat has been solid for him.

At the risk of overplaying Brad Neely's masterpiece... wait, there's no real way to end that sentence. We appreciate any excuse to watch this video again, and the comment doesn't downplay the real danger of his next foe. He's coming. He's coming. He's coming. We just hope that in the meantime, he doesn't see his future opponent's wife at a party and that that party doesn't have a jar of acid lying around.

Washington makes it to the next round, which is scheduled for Feb. 27, where he defends the bracket named after him. He face the winner of next week's fight, which will kick off next week as Harry S Truman faces Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan.

Washington vs. Van Buren

George Washington

1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Stomped Mike Brady's face to smithereens in the first round. Gave Grover Cleveland what-for in the second round. Neither match was particularly close, with Washington winning 90+% of the vote in both rounds.

PROS: Is George Effing Washington. More specifically, the Champ what Chopped the Cherry Tree has a keen tactical military mind, and is a fine physical specimen, to boot.

CONS: Didn't win every single battle ever, I guess?

Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States
Years Served: 1837-1841
Ages in Office: 54-58

Arena Experience: Van Buren met Nixon's Head from Futurama in the 1st Round and walked away with 61.9% of the vote. Next, he was able to beat Ronald Reagan with 68.8% of the vote in the 2nd Round.

PROS: He was nicknamed the Little Magician because of his ability for political machinations, which eventually got him into Andrew Jackson's good graces, and into White House. And according to an episode of Seinfeld, there's a street gang named after Van Buren that still terrorizes Manhattan.

CONS: Only part of the nickname "Little Magician" was literally true, and it's not the part that could serve him well in the Arena. Also, another reason why he was paired with Jackson on the 1832 Democratic nominee was because he was about as opposite of Jackson one could get while still remaining a Democrat, which means he was the opposite of a bad ass.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: I would say it's quite the miracle that Van Buren even made it this far. He's lucky that he was paired up with a severed head in the 1st Round. As for him beating Reagan? That's all part of the leftist slant the our voters tend to take. Personally, I thought Reagan could have had it.

And now Van Buren's luck has ran out in the worst way. He's up against George Washington.

I could point out that in the fictional universe of Seinfeld, the Van Buren Boys have taken over New York, a city Washington was forced to retreat from during the Revolutionary War as general. If the Van Buren Boys have such an easy time keeping hold of New York, why couldn't Washington? I'm kind of grasping at straws at this point.

Let's hope Van Buren has a major trick up his sleeve.

Tony: Lemme just say this: you've gotta be some kinda badass to warrant a memorial like this:

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Look at that thing. I mean, look at it. Now ask yourself, "is there a Martin Van Buren monument anywhere?" And the answer is, there's this:

Oh. Huh. That's... something, I guess. It's, uh... okay, but it's no:

*drops mic*

The Chief: Of course, the monument leaves itself open for juvenile jokesters

But Washington probably doesn't let stuff like that get him down.

Polls close Friday at 9am.

Washington vs. Van Buren

Avoiding Clear and Present Danger

Jack Ryan showed Deep Impact's Tom Beck who is un perdador.

That's such a shame, because they appear to be getting along okay in this photo.

Beck vs. Ryan

Tom Beck	5  (25%)
Jack Ryan	15 (75%)

Tom Beck may be a good person to have around in times of global disaster, but when it comes to hand-to-hand combat, Jack Ryan's the guy you may want to put your money on (not that we condone gambling).

On the subject of a mini-debate raised on Monday's post, while we're wholly unqualified to forecast the outcomes of two nonpresidents fighting, we believe a fight between singer-songwriter Beck and Jake Ryan of 16 Candles would also most likely lead to a Ryan victory.

Jack Ryan moves on and will face Harry S Truman in the Round of 16 in a fight scheduled Jan. 16.
Join us next week when Franklin D. Roosevelt faces David Palmer from the TV series 24.

Beck vs. Ryan

Tom Beck

Played by Morgan Freeman in the film Deep Impact
Age: Freeman was 60 when the movie was filmed

Arena Experience: Beck had Richard Nixon (the real one, not just his head) to kick around in the First Round, and finished with 56.5% of the vote. Maybe that doesn't sound impressive, but you'd have to imagine that Nixon found some way to cheat.

PROS: Beck never loses his cool. Comet heading for Earth? Yeah, that sucks, but "life will go on." Comet washed away everything East of the Appalachians? "Life will go on." A quick tip for anyone looking to defeat Beck in the Arena: don't try to play the mental game with him, because it's not going to work.

CONS: Beck is kind of a bigmouth. He spilled the beans about the planet's impending doom to a reporter. Thankfully, the reporter was nice enough to sit on the biggest story in the history of reporting. Otherwise, he'd have to find a way to calm a nationwide panic (Not everyone is a collected as Beck). Maybe he could keep quiet on his fighting strategy, but who knows?

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, yeah, something like that.

Arena Experience: The 2-seed in the original Washington bracket, Ryan faced Millard Fillmore in the first round, and came away with 76.5% of the vote.

PROS: Had a rather spectacular pre-presidential resumé as a CIA intelligence analyst turned occasional field agent. Seriously, go back to Ryan's first fight and read the list of shit he pulled off. He's smart, capable, resilient, and most importantly, he survives a lot of things that would easily kill lesser men.

CONS: On the other hand, Ryan is a bit of a daredevil who should never have been put in the field to begin with. As such, he gets by on luck a lot of the time, and that's maybe not the best thing to rely on. He also has a tendency to get in over his head — arguably, that's how he became president to begin with.

The Fight
Tony: Look, we all know Beck is a pretty cool guy. I mean, even being a born and raised Scientologist. Odelay and Guero are great albums, and even his more recent stuff, like The Information or Modern Guilt have some good songs on them. And he put some great work into the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack. So, really, I don't want it to seem like I'm dumping on this guy unnecessarily. But, he just doesn't have the combat experience to stand a change against someone like Jack Ryan.

 

Doug: Well, what does Jake Ryan really have going for him? I mean, yeah, he's super dreamy. Speak to any heterosexual woman who was under 25 when Sixteen Candles came out, and they will most likely say that they would do him, no questions asked. I think it's such a foregone conclusion that their boyfriends/husbands wouldn't even consider it cheating — some may even be jealous that they didn't get to watch. The guy has it all. But is he a fighter? No.

He was barely able to take care of the walking, talking Asian stereotype in an off-screen scuffle.

He let his girlfriend walk all over him. She made him throw these raging parties at his house whenever his parents were out of town. His house was wrecked every time, yet he never stood up to himself. When the crazy chick got drunk and slept with the freshman geek, only then did he feel like he could get away scot-free.

How is someone like that going to handle a fight against Beck, who — wait...

Tony: Wait, what happened here? Weren't we squaring multi-platinum selling recording artist Beck against Tom Clancy protagonist Jack Ryan? I mean, it seemed like an odd matchup, but whatever, man, I'll put Ryan against anyone.

Doug: See, and I thought we were talking about Jake Ryan. I'd imagine his charisma would win him a presidential election, years after he and Samantha Baker break up. I don't know, I figured maybe there was a Sixteen Candles sequel that was made years later that no one saw.

Tony: I implore you not to give Hollywood ideas.

Doug: Actually no, that could work. It could come in 2016. Not only would the year end in 16, but it would also be 32 (or 16 times 2) years after the original. Samantha could have a kid of her own who is turning 16. Ooh, I have a better idea. She has a son who is trying to cheer up a girl having a shitty 16th birthday, and that could be the daughter of Anthony Michael Hall's character. And Jake is president for some reason.

FACT: President Ryan once gave car keys to a drunken teen who had no driver's license.

Worse movies have been made. If the cast of American Pie could come back to celebrate their 13-year high school reunion (because that's what it would be, people), then my awful piece of crap idea for a Sixteen Candles sequel, sadly, could be greenlit.

Tony: Just... please don't tell me you already have a screenplay for this abomination...

Doug: No, I'm having some difficulties with the script (it sucks), but I don't think I should let that stop me. I mean they remade Footloose, didn't they?

So we're talking about Jack Ryan? Oh, that actually makes more sense.

Isn't Jack Ryan a bit over-prepared for this? I feel like the moment he enters the ring, he's going to be keeping an eye out for terrorists ready to swarm the Arena or for some normal looking spectator who may be a trained assassin. He's going to be so worried about the possibilities outside of the ring that he won't even be paying attention to Tom Beck and his fists: Wolf & Biederman.

You don't want to be around when Biederman connects.

Tony: Over-prepared? I don't think you can be over-prepared for the Arena. But if "over-prepared," you mean, "has infinitely more experience in close combat with people who want to kill him," then yes, he certainly is over-prepared. I mean, seriously, he's killed scores of terrorists personally, he's averted world wars, he's stared down a would-be assassin in the Oval Office itself.

Meanwhile, Tom Beck has... gotten lucky saving Earth, I guess? He certainly hasn't fought anyone, aside from Nixon, and that wasn't exactly an overwhelming victory. Meanwhile, Ryan is younger, healthier, and ass-kickinger. This isn't going to be close.

Doug: I was just making the point that sometimes Ryan's threats come from a surprising source. If he enters the ring and sees Beck, would he actually be concentrating on beating Beck up or would he be worrying about some unforeseen threats? Because Beck has one thing on his mind: getting rid of Ryan. Ryan's mind, on the other hand, may be drifting between Beck and places to hide in case a plane is flown into the Presidential Gladitorial Arena.

You'd have to imagine with all that has been through, Ryan must be psychologically exhausted at this point. He's about ready to crack.

Tony: And looking for Ryan to break is a fool's game. Maybe if he had "broken" after his wife and daughter were attacked by terrorists, you'd have a point, but no, that only hardened his resolve and caused him to accept a CIA post he had previously turned down.

No, in this fight's Beck is going to be... a lost cause.

Doug: Just because we haven't seen Beck fighting terrorists all by himself, it doesn't mean he's unable to. He's got resolve dripping out if his ears. Life will go on for him as Ryan learns that the deep impact from Beck is where it's at.

The Chief: As curious as I am about how a Beck/Jake Ryan would go, we are bound by our duty to not put that up for consideration.

Be sure your voice is heard in this week's fight between Tom Beck and Jack Ryan. Voting closes Friday, 9am MDT.

Beck vs. Ryan

Harry Gives 'em Hell

Harry S Truman has made sure that Silent Cal stops here.

Not only did Truman survive this week's fight with Coolidge, but he also survived the supposed end of the world. By the way, we'd like to wish our Harold Camping followers a happy and safe voyage to heaven on this supposed Judgment Day.

Truman vs. Coolidge

Harry S Truman	20 (76.9%)
Calvin Coolidge	6  (23.1%)

We'd have to say, Coolidge really didn't have much going for him in this fight, and the commentariat pretty much agreed.

It's almost fitting that this week's COTW should go to CotE:

After doing some light Internet research, we found out that this is apparently very true.

It actually makes for quite the entrance.
Suck it, Hail to the Chief!

At least, that's what the episode of Futurama titled Roswell That Ends Well says.

Although, while we at HttCttD are completely willing to buy into the idea that a former U.S. President used to be transported in crates of rations, we would be remiss if we did not clear up a misconception about the great State of New Mexico — the state whose fertile bosom was the birthplace of Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH.

There aren't any military bases near Roswell, at least not within a 2-hour drive. The atomic bomb testing site — the Trinity Site — is also about just as far from Roswell; not that that matters, because there were no atomic weapons tested during the entire year of 1947.

But all of that is fine, because A) Futurama is made by math and science nerds, not history nerds and B) some artistic license can be taken, especially if it's to create a universe where Fry is his own grandfather.

That last bit should have come with a spoiler alert, by the way.
Truman moves on to the Round of 16 and is scheduled to fight Jan. 16. Join us next week when Deep Impact's Tom Beck is set to face Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan.

Truman vs. Coolidge

Harry S Truman

33rd President of the United States
Served: 1945-1953
Age during term: 60-68

Arena Experience: Faced off against James K. Polk in the first round, and walked away from that match with 70.2% of the vote, so suck it, Polk!

Pros: Truman was an ornery old cuss, with quick enough thinking that he was able to bluff his way past an eye exam and enlist in World War I. He was also, and there's no other way to put this, hella-cold-blooded, what with wanting to kill Every German Ever during WWI, and then ending WWII with atomic bombs. To sum up, tough, smart, and cold-blooded. Makes for a solid Arena fighter, no?

Cons: Truman's political success owed a bit too much to powerful friends (read: political operative and Masons), who chose what positions he would run for. He also had a knack for making certain decisions rather impulsively, which as a rule, is not the best thing to do when locked in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™.

Calvin Coolidge
30th President of the United States
Served 1923-1929
Age during term: 51-56

Arena Experience: Coolidge proved that silent could be deadly when he beat Julia Mansfield from the short-lived '80s sitcom Hail to the Chief with 76.2% of the vote. He probably got strong support from voters who saw Hail to the Chief and wanted to exact revenge.

PROS: Silent Cal was a man of a few words. Instead of flapping his gums with rhetoric, he's probably just thinking of ways to tear his opponents apart with his bare hands. Don't think a guy with no military experience could do that? Coolidge passed the bar without attending law school, so he knows how to get by with little experience.

CONS: The guy who pushed his lassiez-faire agenda — possibly worsening the Great Depression for us — may take that "do nothing" attitude to the Arena, as if the invisible hand of capitalism will help him in the Arena. He also kind of lost his push when he tragically lost his son. He may be looking for a reunion in the afterlife.

The Fight

Doug: I'm going to keep my first round of debate brief, as I believe this argument is, without a doubt, the best argument for anything mankind has ever made for anything. I find it is simple, straight to the point and smart without coming off as too condescending.

This is a slight alteration from the original, which featured an over-imaginative and intelligent, yet underachieving, first-grade boy urinating on a brand logo of inferior quality. I have seen this many times, usually on the rear windshields of trucks of, I'm can only assume, fans of the newspaper comic featuring the boy which hasn't printed in almost 15 years. I cropped head of the 30th President of the United States over the head of the delightful scamp because they both share the same first name: Calvin.

Simply put, as the image illustrates, Coolidge pees on Truman.

Your move.

Tony: Interesting premise. Flawed, but interesting. No, to really get to the meat of this argument, we have to dig into the names themselves. So: Coolidge. Cool Lidge? Is this some sort of endorsement of Philadelphia Phillies relief pitcher Brad Lidge? Dude was hurt this season, and only pitched 19 1/3 innings. I don't see how that's supposed to help Coolidge, at all.

Truman, on the other hand… I mean, just look at it. True Man. True Man! Your pathetic little closer is going up against a powerhouse of masculinity. That's no contest. It's so little of a contest that the light from "contests" will not reach Coolidge vs. Truman for 10,000 years.

And we can take this further! What was Coolidge's middle initial? No one knows, or cares, because he sucked. What about Truman? His middle initial was S! What did it stand for? Nothing! That's right, this True Man has a boundless void of nihilism right in the middle of his name! Say what you will about Truman, man, but at least it's an ethos.

In short, the only thing Coolidge will be pissing, is his own pants.

Doug: Yeah, Truman is a true man. And like all true men, he's mortal. His road will end, and Coolidge will see to that. As for Lidge, yeah, I guess he had a crummy year. Too bad he's not the type of player who's known for his comebacks. Oh wait, he has actually won an award for called the National League Comeback Player of the Year in 2008. You know, the same year he threw the final pitch of the World Series. So, I suppose Lidge isn't all that bad of a guy to support when you look at the big picture. And thank you for forcing me to recount the glories of one of my least favorite teams in Major League Baseball.

And Calvin Coolidge's middle name? It's Calvin. He was born John Calvin Coolidge, Jr. He was so into his middle name that he decided to just drop his first name. Coolidge is going to show that the 'S' in Harry S Truman really stands for.

And that is why my argument of showing Coolidge peeing on Truman is not, as you say, flawed.

Tony: I'm not sure playing the "mortal" card helps you, as ol' Cal there is also mortal, and thus open to his mortality being abruptly pierced within the Arena. As for Lidge, it's also good he doesn't have a history of screwing up on big stages, leading to years drifting in the wilderness.
Wait.

Hey look! It's George H.W. and Barbara Bush.

Anyway, about this fight. History shows that the only thing that can stop Truman's rampages is some form of authority figure. If Truman had been in charge during World War I, Germany would probably still be a smoking cinder. Does he have anyone reining him in when he faces Coolidge? Nope. Truman FTW.

Doug: Interesting.

You're still on the Brad Lidge thing? I was willing to play along for the sake of being a good sport, but c'mon. Someone reading this could get the impression that you're tying Coolidge's fighting ability to the pitching ability of someone born decades later because you're grasping for straws.

Truman was a blustery windbag who made references about cutting off Dutch kids' hands and feet (which still makes no sense to me). He's a big talker. And yes, I realize this is the man who ordered the dropping of two atomic bombs on civilians, but he doesn't have the bomb or thousands of miles of distance in the Arena like he did in '45.

You know how they say "you have to watch out for the quiet ones"? Coolidge is as quiet as they get. And the 'S' will stand for "slain."

Tony: Lidge, like Coolidge before him, is and was a man destined to fail. Even though each obtained brief moments of glory, such as winning the Presidency or closing out the World Series, their overwhelming legacies are, well, disappointing.

And I'm not going to apologize for Truman's bloodlust! This is a presidential death blog-- bloodlust is part of the game, and Truman played that game like Garry Kasparov plays chess. Game, set, and match!

Coolidge, meanwhile, probably thinks he can just get by on his two biggest skills, shutting up, and ignoring things. Sadly, for him, ignorance is going to be... bliss. For Truman. Because he's going to roll over Silent Cal.


The Chief: Classy as always, boys. It's votin' time! Make sure your voices are heard! Polls close 9am MDT on Friday.

Truman vs. Coolidge

Reagan Gets Martin Van BURNED!

They call Martin Van Buren "Old Kinderhook," but Ronald Reagan learned this week that there's nothing kind about his right hook.

And this original Van Buren Boy earned a trip to the Round of 16.

Reagan vs. Van Buren

Ronald Reagan	5 (31.25%)
Martin Van Buren	11 (68.75%)

The voting was pretty neck and neck in the first couple of days. By midweek, Van Buren pulled ahead and left Reagan in the dust. However, neither combatant should be hard on themselves or their performance. If you combine the percentages in the above pie chart, it turns out that they gave 100.1%, collectively, which is pretty impressive.

There were a few theories floating around about how Van Buren could best someone much bigger and tougher than him. One of the commentariat found an answer in television.

Amen to that! If Seinfeld tells us New York has a street gang as mean as Van Buren himself, then New York has a street gang as mean as Van Buren himself. I just hope its members don't terrorize anyone who voted against Number 8.

Van Buren will meet George Washington in a Round of 16 bout scheduled Jan. 9.
Join us next week when Harry S Truman will face Calvin Coolidge.

Reagan vs. Van Buren

Ronald Reagan

40th President of the United States
Served: 1981-1989
Age in Office: 69-77

Arena Experience: Reagan faced Rutherford B. Hayes in the first round, and squeaked by with 54.9% of the vote.

Pros: Reagan's a legitimate tough guy (his Secret Service code name was "Rawhide"!), which helped him become the first President to survive an assassination attempt (well, an attempt in which he was actually shot). He knows how to hang in and battle through adversity, and if all else fails, he can probably act his way to a victory, somehow.

Cons: On the other hand, Reagan's kinda old, meaning that lots of the talk of his toughness comes with the qualifier "...for his age." He's also shown a certain single-mindedness in his thinking, which historically has gotten him into trouble.

Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States
Served: 1837-1841
Ages in Office: 54-58

Arena Experience: Van Buren defeated 31st century president Nixon's Head from the Futurama universe with 61.9% of the vote in the First Round. Nixon's head was given help from the headless body of Spiro Agnew. Don't ask us how that works.

PROS: According to Kramer from Seinfeld, a street gang that terrorizes New York is named after Van Buren and is apparently "as mean as" the man himself. Van Buren was dead for 135 years when this episode aired, yet he was still able to instill a fear in the hearts and minds of New Yorkers. While he was living, the weird looking little muttonchopped man with a thick Dutch accent still managed to win over voters. A lot of this has to do with the fact that he won his way into Andrew Jackson's inner-sanctum. No doubt, it was a matter of moments after being crowned the victor in the First Round was he cooking up a scheme to secure another win.

CONS: He was actually the opposite of Andrew Jackson, which is why Jackson sought Van Buren as a running mate in 1832. Jackson's bluster was balanced by Van Buren's political eggheadery. When taking office in 1837, Van Buren pulled a 180 on Jackson's policies and called for peace where ever he could. Instead of annexing Texas, Van thought it would be better to ease tensions among the states. When a border dispute erupted with Britain, Marty solved things without a single bullet being fired. Impressive, admirable even. Is this a good background for someone entering the Arena?

The Fight

Tony: Here's the story about Ronald Reagan-- he's a tough old man who's seen it all, who's faced down death and Communism, and come out smiling on the other side. Is his age a problem? Well, it wasn't when he faced off against Hayes, so I don't think he's going to be fazed by the Dutch aberration that is Martin Van Buren. After all, Van Buren's rise is mostly due to luck-- he lucked into riding Jackson's coattails, and then he got lucky when his first round opponent was a disembodied head from the future (well, and Agnew, but whatever). Now, Van Buren has drawn Reagan. Luck time… is over. 

Doug: Okay, I'll let you incorrectly give Reagan credit for destroying Communism for now. Age wasn't a problem when he faced off against Hayes? He won in the end, yes, but with less than 55%. Even you said in this very post that he "squeaked by." Who's to say he's going to have an easy fight this time around?

Though, our voters do like to skew old.

Van Buren's rise was mostly due to scheming and planning. He made sure that he never fell out of Jackson's favor, and he didn't. He made a plan and he stuck with it and years later, he was president. He was probably cooking up a scheme on a 2nd Round win since the moment he was crowned as the victor over Nixon's Head.

Tony: Oh, what, like something else took down Communism? The Pope, maybe? Or the simple weight of a doomed economic model crushing the apparatus that gave that model power? Please. If you want to blow up Communism, look no farther than Reagan, baby!

As for this age question, look, if the voters say its not a problem, then its not a problem. And by having Reagan triumph over Hayes, I'm fairly certain they said it's not a problem. Anyway, Van Buren is/was the same age(s) as Hayes during their respective presidencies, so the age factor is, again, moot. Meanwhile, let's talk reach. Van Buren stood at a puny 5' 6". Reagan, on the other hand, wades in at 6' 1". That's a considerable advantage for the Gipper.

And as for scheming-- you know who else was a fan of scheming? Why none other than Ronald Reagan! He spent a long time scheming his way towards the presidency, after all, even scheming against members of his own party! Dude knows how to put a plan together. You add it all up, and Van Buren has zero advantages in this fight.

Doug: Right. Communism is dead and it's all Reagan's doing. All he had to do was tell Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. Today, you can't find Communism anywhere. Except for 90 miles south of Key West. And the most populated country in the world, to whom we owe over $1 trillion. And a bunch of other places. Oh and Vladimir Putin has started talking about forming a Eurasian Union, which I'm sure won't be a Soviet Union II or anything.

Reagan's got reach, but The Little Magician is spry. Luke Skywalker was at a severe height disadvantage in the rancor pit in Return of the Jedi.

Props to Van Buren if he tries to prop Reagan's jaw open with a bone.

Now imagine the rancor is smaller and much, much older. And yes, we should look at the age issue. Let me remind you that a slight majority thought age wasn't enough of an issue. Who knows what the story is this time around?

Tony: Oh, right. China's so very Communist. Which explains why American companies are flocking there in droves. As for the Eurasian Union… okay, that's trouble. But is it Communist trouble, or good old-fashioned dictatorship trouble? I'd attempt to answer this question, but I don't hold any graduate degrees, so never mind.

Now, first of all, I think we can all agree it's a bit ridiculous for you to compare Martin Van Buren to Luke Skywalker. But, okay, let's look at the rancor pit situation. You know who was also at a severe height disadvantage there? The dancer who was plunged in there prior to Luke. How did that work out? Obviously, Luke had the Force in his back pocket, which is good, because otherwise, he would have been toast. Now, let's apply this logic to the Van Buren/Reagan fight. Can Van Buren manipulate the Force? No. Also, is his opponent as lumbering and stupid as the rancor? I'm thinking not. So, yes, I think Reagan's physical advantages are going to remain important, thank you very much.

Doug: I think comparing Van Buren to Luke Skywalker is no more ridiculous than claiming that Reagan ended Communism.

The difference between Van Buren and the green slave dancer is that the green slave dancer is prone to panicking. Well, that's one difference, another difference is that the Van Buren presidency wasn't marked with any nip slips.

Tony: ...that we know of.

Doug: If Van Buren had fallen into that pit, he would have plotted his way out of that place. Maybe Van Buren doesn't have the Force, like Skywalker does, but he certainly has something. He's the kind of person Andrew Jackson cleans off his boots with a stick, but he freakin' made him his running mate and gave him his personal seal of approval for in the 1836 election. It's not lifting an X-wing out of a Dagobah swamp, but that's pretty freakin' impressive.

Reagan's power comes in the form of ignoring AIDS and causing our debt to skyrocket. Plus, he got his ass beat by a decrepit Konstantin Chernenko in a Frankie Goes to Hollywood music video. Do you think the founder of the Van Buren Boys, the meanest street gang in New York, is going to be beat by that guy?

George is getting upset.
And then he's getting beaten, Van Buren-style.

Tony: Really? Because one involves historical fact, whereas the other involves midichlorians. Midichlorians, Doug.

The only thing Van Buren has when he falls into the rancor pit is a life span of approximately 90 seconds. 

And I'll have you know that this is at least the second time you've tried to bolster an argument by citing Frankie goes to Hollywood. Which means I'm going to have to suggest that you… relax.

Doug: Reagan had as much to do with the collapse of the Soviet Union as midichlorians did.

"Hold still. I need to test your ability to topple governments."

What happened was that the Soviet Union finally got a progressive thinker who took a look around and said, "Holy shit, this system is messed up. Also, we should start giving our people more freedom." And once the people got more freedom, they spoke up and said, "Holy shit, this system is messed up," and eventually, the government toppled. Reagan just happened to be in the right place at the right time to get the credit. That's called luck.

In all fairness, it's easier to just know Gorbachev as "that guy with the thing on his head"
and handing all the credit to Reagan than it is to actually read up on what actually happened.

Van Buren doesn't need a high midichlorian count to break Reagan's luck streak. Reagan's going to exhaust all of his resources developing a way to defend himself against Van Buren despite the fact that he knows it will never work. You know, kind of like the Star Wars missile defense program.

The Chief: Why don't we throw this to the voters before this gets any more ridiculous? Readers: you know what to do. Vote, comment, and we'll see what's what on Friday.

Reagan vs. Van Buren

American Cincinnatus Cleaves Cleveland

The five-star general gave Grover Cleveland a five-star beatdown.

Actually, he did slightly better against Cleveland than he did against Mike Brady, which means he's just warming up.

Washington vs. Cleveland

George Washington	15 (93.75%)
Grover Cleveland (24)	1 (6.25%)

So, maybe Cleveland isn't that great of a fighter when he isn't against himself. We can't really say that surprises anyone in the HttCttD offices.

The HttCttD fact checkers couldn't find an instance of George Washington being in a duel. In fact, he appeared to discourage the practice. However, who are we to quash the imaginations of our readers fed by something they may or may not have learned in school several years ago?

George Washington moves on to the Round of 16 and is scheduled to make his next Arena appearance Jan. 9. Next week, Ronald Reagan takes on Martin Van Buren. See you then!

Washington vs. Cleveland

George Washington

1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Annihilated Greg Brady in the first round. I mean, good God, it wasn't even close.

PROS: Washington took a bunch of under-fed, under-provisioned farmers, and not only turned them into a halfway decent Army, he took on the greatest military force in the world (at the time), and won. Not bad, George! He was also an imposing physical specimen who dabbled in boxing and wrestling, and had a notoriously short temper to boot.

CONS: Washington's military record, Revolutionary heroics aside, is actually pretty spotty. And, um... yeah.

Grover Cleveland
24nd President of the United States
Served: 1893-1897
Age during term: 55-59

Arena Experience: Grover Cleveland barely survived his 1st Round match, earning only 51.4% of the vote. That being said, Cleveland was pretty evenly matched; his opponent was himself. We imagine the Clash of the Clevelands looked a lot like George and Oscar Bluth fighting each other.

PROS: Cleveland the Elder has a history of winning, even when he loses (like in the Election of 1888). And while he was eight years older than his younger self, nothing makes a man feel younger than being married to a vivacious woman 27 years younger. Plus, he's bested himself, so you can think of that as figuratively defeating his inner-demons.

CONS: Cleveland isn't much of a fighter. In fact, the only reason why he advanced to the 2nd Round is because he was fighting himself. In other words, either Cleveland was guaranteed a spot in the 2nd Round regardless of the outcome of the fight. Also, the one who advanced also happened to have mouth cancer, so he's not in the best health.

The Fight
Tony: This is a tough one, I mean, on the one hand, you have a tall, lean, military badass who had experience with wrestling and boxing, and notoriously short fuse. On the other, you have a shortish, not-so-lean opportunist with a cancer-ridden body. I'm telling you, our voters certainly have their work cut out for them this time!

Okay- pop quiz time! In the preceding paragraph, was I being: a) sarcastic, b) sincere, or c) John Malkovich?

Choice C is looking pretty good.

Doug: d) a jerk. Not for anything that you said, in specific. There are some jerk undertones I can't help but notice. You also earn jerk points for making me add the correct choice, thereby trying to make me look like a jerk. So on second thought, the answer should be e) a double-jerk.

Tony: The only double jerk here is this delicious Jamaican chicken I'm munching on.

Doug: So if you're not a double jerk, are you saying you're a triple jerk? I wasn't going to say anything, but I was kind of thinking that double jerk wasn't quite telling the whole story. If you're comfortable with being a triple jerk, then who am I to argue?

Tony: Sigh. Well, I could do this all day, just go 'round and 'round in a pathetic circle jerk, but I'll just point out that it takes one to know one, and move on.

Doug: Then it's settled. You're not a triple jerk, you're a one-man circle jerk.

Tony: Why I oughta...

The Chief: Okay, seriously? Do not make me come over there.

Tony: *inaudible grumbling*

Doug: Anyway, Cleveland is tougher than you think. He kept his cancer a secret because he knew that if he had cancer, there would be panic. "If a toughie like Cleveland has cancer," I'd imagine an 1890s person would say, "what hope do I have?" So he kept quiet about the cancer and had it removed "while on vacation."

On a boat. Show me a guy who looks at the medical technology the 1890s has to offer and says, "Yup, give me oral surgery. Wait, let's make things interesting. Let's do this on a boat," and I'll show you an Arena contender.

He had his swim trunks and his flippie-floppies.

Tony: Wait, Cleveland didn't want there to be a panic? There must be something I'm missing in this scenario, because all I can think is that Adalai Stevenson was some sort of not-too-secret terrorist, meaning that Cleveland was the last line of defense against total anarchy.

The face of anarchy. Only not.

And no, I don't give Cleveland extra credit for having his surgery on a boat. Why should I? That's just reckless behavior, right there. He tries to pull the arena-equivalent of that move, and George Washington's going to kick him into oblivion.

Doug: Yeah, Cleveland didn't want there to be panic. That's just kind of the way things worked back then. For example, while William McKinley was in Buffalo — during the trip where he was eventually assassinated — he visited Niagara Falls and even went on the Honeymoon Bridge, but refused to step into Canada because he didn't want there to be panic. Apparently, we were thought to be more prone to panic back then.

Sure the idea of undergoing surgery on a boat to keep avoid a panic sounds dumb nowadays, but Cleveland did what he hand to do to get things done. The U.S. had order and he beat cancer. This time around, the Round of 16 will have Cleveland and he'll beat Washington.

Tony: This continued talk of "panic" still isn't making sense. Did McKinley think that if he stepped foot on Canadian soil, people were going to think he was defecting? I'll admit, having a sitting president defect to another country would definitely be newsworthy, but panic-worthy?

Doug: Don't ask me to explain the minds of the late 19th century American, but yes, McKinley didn't want word getting around that he left the country, even if it was for a few minutes. Yeah, it's silly. Whatever.

Tony: We're getting off point again. Seems like Cleveland's fear of panic led him to make some questionable decisions. What happens when he, himself is panicking? I only ask because once Washington starts throwing haymakers, whatever strategy Cleveland was thinking of using is going to be thrown out the window. Then, he's going to panic, and it's not going to be pretty.

Doug: Cleveland has no reason to panic. Let's not forget who Grover Cleveland faced in the 1st Round: himself! He was whisked away into the Arena only to see a younger version of himself. If I were ever in this situation, my first impulse would probably harmonize be to Queen songs with myself like this guy did. Cleveland didn't panic. He decided to be rid of his his other self, no questions asked, which would almost be the furthest thing from my mind. What would be the furthest thing from my mind? Orgy with a relative, like this guy did.

Imagine how difficult it is to win a fight against yourself. Your opponent knows all of your weak points and how to shut down your strengths. Cleveland won despite the perfect match, the cancer, the supposed reckless surgery and the fact that he had eight years on his opponent.

Cleveland won't panic. He's seen it all, and he knows the sooner he beats whomever shows up, the sooner he can go home to his super-young wife. 

Well played, Cleveland.

The Chief: Well, that was more bickering than usual. Even for you two. As always, polls close 9am Friday MDT. Vote! Comment! Your country needs you.

Washington vs. Cleveland