Monday, October 24, 2011

Beck vs. Ryan

Tom Beck
Played by Morgan Freeman in the film Deep Impact
Age: Freeman was 60 when the movie was filmed

Arena Experience: Beck had Richard Nixon (the real one, not just his head) to kick around in the First Round, and finished with 56.5% of the vote. Maybe that doesn't sound impressive, but you'd have to imagine that Nixon found some way to cheat.

PROS: Beck never loses his cool. Comet heading for Earth? Yeah, that sucks, but "life will go on." Comet washed away everything East of the Appalachians? "Life will go on." A quick tip for anyone looking to defeat Beck in the Arena: don't try to play the mental game with him, because it's not going to work.

CONS: Beck is kind of a bigmouth. He spilled the beans about the planet's impending doom to a reporter. Thankfully, the reporter was nice enough to sit on the biggest story in the history of reporting. Otherwise, he'd have to find a way to calm a nationwide panic (Not everyone is a collected as Beck). Maybe he could keep quiet on his fighting strategy, but who knows?

Jack Ryan
Served as President in the Tom Clancy novels Debt of Honor, Executive Orders, and The Bear and the Dragon
Age: Indeterminate. Wikipedia gives an birthdate in 1950, and Debt of Honor is implied to take place sometime around 1995-96. So, yeah, something like that.

Arena Experience: The 2-seed in the original Washington bracket, Ryan faced Millard Fillmore in the first round, and came away with 76.5% of the vote.

PROS: Had a rather spectacular pre-presidential resumé as a CIA intelligence analyst turned occasional field agent. Seriously, go back to Ryan's first fight and read the list of shit he pulled off. He's smart, capable, resilient, and most importantly, he survives a lot of things that would easily kill lesser men.

CONS: On the other hand, Ryan is a bit of a daredevil who should never have been put in the field to begin with. As such, he gets by on luck a lot of the time, and that's maybe not the best thing to rely on. He also has a tendency to get in over his head — arguably, that's how he became president to begin with.

The Fight
Tony: Look, we all know Beck is a pretty cool guy. I mean, even being a born and raised Scientologist. Odelay and Guero are great albums, and even his more recent stuff, like The Information or Modern Guilt have some good songs on them. And he put some great work into the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack. So, really, I don't want it to seem like I'm dumping on this guy unnecessarily. But, he just doesn't have the combat experience to stand a change against someone like Jack Ryan.
Doug: Well, what does Jake Ryan really have going for him? I mean, yeah, he's super dreamy. Speak to any heterosexual woman who was under 25 when Sixteen Candles came out, and they will most likely say that they would do him, no questions asked. I think it's such a foregone conclusion that their boyfriends/husbands wouldn't even consider it cheating — some may even be jealous that they didn't get to watch. The guy has it all. But is he a fighter? No.
He was barely able to take care of the walking, talking Asian stereotype in an off-screen scuffle.
He let his girlfriend walk all over him. She made him throw these raging parties at his house whenever his parents were out of town. His house was wrecked every time, yet he never stood up to himself. When the crazy chick got drunk and slept with the freshman geek, only then did he feel like he could get away scot-free.

How is someone like that going to handle a fight against Beck, who — wait...

Tony: Wait, what happened here? Weren't we squaring multi-platinum selling recording artist Beck against Tom Clancy protagonist Jack Ryan? I mean, it seemed like an odd matchup, but whatever, man, I'll put Ryan against anyone.

Doug: See, and I thought we were talking about Jake Ryan. I'd imagine his charisma would win him a presidential election, years after he and Samantha Baker break up. I don't know, I figured maybe there was a Sixteen Candles sequel that was made years later that no one saw.

Tony: I implore you not to give Hollywood ideas.

Doug: Actually no, that could work. It could come in 2016. Not only would the year end in 16, but it would also be 32 (or 16 times 2) years after the original. Samantha could have a kid of her own who is turning 16. Ooh, I have a better idea. She has a son who is trying to cheer up a girl having a shitty 16th birthday, and that could be the daughter of Anthony Michael Hall's character. And Jake is president for some reason.
FACT: President Ryan once gave car keys to a drunken teen who had no driver's license.

Worse movies have been made. If the cast of American Pie could come back to celebrate their 13-year high school reunion (because that's what it would be, people), then my awful piece of crap idea for a Sixteen Candles sequel, sadly, could be greenlit.

Tony: Just... please don't tell me you already have a screenplay for this abomination...

Doug: No, I'm having some difficulties with the script (it sucks), but I don't think I should let that stop me. I mean they remade Footloose, didn't they?

So we're talking about Jack Ryan? Oh, that actually makes more sense.

Isn't Jack Ryan a bit over-prepared for this? I feel like the moment he enters the ring, he's going to be keeping an eye out for terrorists ready to swarm the Arena or for some normal looking spectator who may be a trained assassin. He's going to be so worried about the possibilities outside of the ring that he won't even be paying attention to Tom Beck and his fists: Wolf & Biederman.
You don't want to be around when Biederman connects.
Tony: Over-prepared? I don't think you can be over-prepared for the Arena. But if "over-prepared," you mean, "has infinitely more experience in close combat with people who want to kill him," then yes, he certainly is over-prepared. I mean, seriously, he's killed scores of terrorists personally, he's averted world wars, he's stared down a would-be assassin in the Oval Office itself.

Meanwhile, Tom Beck has... gotten lucky saving Earth, I guess? He certainly hasn't fought anyone, aside from Nixon, and that wasn't exactly an overwhelming victory. Meanwhile, Ryan is younger, healthier, and ass-kickinger. This isn't going to be close.

Doug: I was just making the point that sometimes Ryan's threats come from a surprising source. If he enters the ring and sees Beck, would he actually be concentrating on beating Beck up or would he be worrying about some unforeseen threats? Because Beck has one thing on his mind: getting rid of Ryan. Ryan's mind, on the other hand, may be drifting between Beck and places to hide in case a plane is flown into the Presidential Gladitorial Arena.

You'd have to imagine with all that has been through, Ryan must be psychologically exhausted at this point. He's about ready to crack.

Tony: And looking for Ryan to break is a fool's game. Maybe if he had "broken" after his wife and daughter were attacked by terrorists, you'd have a point, but no, that only hardened his resolve and caused him to accept a CIA post he had previously turned down.

No, in this fight's Beck is going to be... a lost cause.

Doug: Just because we haven't seen Beck fighting terrorists all by himself, it doesn't mean he's unable to. He's got resolve dripping out if his ears. Life will go on for him as Ryan learns that the deep impact from Beck is where it's at.

The Chief: As curious as I am about how a Beck/Jake Ryan would go, we are bound by our duty to not put that up for consideration.

Be sure your voice is heard in this week's fight between Tom Beck and Jack Ryan. Voting closes Friday, 9am MDT.

Beck vs. Ryan

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