Ask Not How JFK Pulled That Off

Kennedy pulled off the improbable.

He smoked the five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion.

Kennedy vs. Camacho

John F. Kennedy	14 (56%)
Dwayne E.M.D.H. Camacho	11 (44%)

While we think a JFK win would be unlikely, at least it was one of the closer matches we've had in a while. Well, not if you count comments, or twitter replies, that is. If it had been up to them, Camacho would have won in a landslide. To wit:

It's the last line that makes it.

JFK moves on, and is scheduled to meet George H.W. Bush in the Round of 16 on Feb. 13.
This concludes the 2nd Round. Next week is our very first fight of the Round of 16. Andrew Jackson will face Dwight D. Eisenhower in a Boxing Day Blitz.

In the meantime, have a Merry Christmas. Or, if that's not your thing, a satisfying Sunday.

Kennedy vs. Camacho

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
35th President of the United States
Served: 1961-1963
Ages during term: 44-46

Arena Experience: Kennedy faced off against faux-faux-President Dave Kovic in the first round, and walked away with 73.3% of the vote.

PROS: Kennedy spent World War II in bad-ass mode. I mean: getting your boat sawed in half by a Japanese destroyer? Check. Leading your men to safety through shark-infested water? Check. Towing a wounded comrade by your teeth? Check. Later on, the Russians found out just how tough JFK was when they went eyeball-to-eyeball over Cuba, and the Russians ended up blinking. He was also an astute historian and analyst, and had netted a Pulitzer Prize before he became president.

CONS: Kennedy suffered back problems all his life, and by the time he was president, he was in constant pain. He also suffered from Addison's disease, which we'll admit, we don't understand. It dosen't sound good, though. In addition, Kennedy was very much part of the 1%, and many of his pre-presidential accomplishments were made in part because of his connections.

Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Served as fictional President of the United States in the 2006 film Idiocracy
Portrayed by Terry Crews
Age Served: Crews was 38 when Idiocracy was released

Arena Experience: Camacho defeated Herbert Hoover with an unimpressive 55.6% of the vote in the 1st Round.

PROS: Prior to being elected president, Camacho was crowned as Ultimate Smackdown champion five times. With those titles alone, it's safe to assume that he can handle himself pretty well in a fight. It was also noted that throughout the movie, a team of scantily-clad women were surrounding Camacho. Why would he forgo a security detail? Either because he knows he could handle anyone coming after him, or he knows no one would dare come after him.

CONS: Not very bright. In Idiocracy, the human population has gotten dumber over the centuries. The American people didn't elect Camacho on merit, but on the fact that he was an fighting champion and a porn "superstar." The country was in terrible shape, but he had absolutely no ideas. Instead, he just followed the terrible ideas of his idiotic Cabinet -- which included a boy who was about 12 years old. Point being, while he's got lots of muscle, he probably won't be going in with a lot of strategy.

The Fight
Tony: Okay, I want everyone to sit back, close your eyes, and imagine a world in which JFK wasn't a complete and total badass. What would that world be like? Okay, everyone come back, now. What did you imagine? Did you imagine a planet full of radioactive craters? Because if you didn't, you're doing it wrong. A world without JFK is a world in which some other dumb schmuck would be stuck grappling with the Russians during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and that wouldn't end well for anyone. The moral? JFK gets it done.

Also, I'm not sure I like the odds of someone who only barely squeaked out a win against Herbert Freaking Hoover. Camacho may have been an Ultimate Fighter, but in this match, he's going to be an Ultimate Loser.

Doug: Yeah, that's great and all, but the Cuban Missile Crisis wasn't settled with a wrestling match between JFK and Krushchev. Not to take anything away from JFK's ability as president, because he handled that pretty well. JFK's not going to lose his cool, no. He's not going to lose any of his major health concerns either, which should be considered.

And yeah, I can't really say it makes sense that the guy played by Terry Crews almost lost to Hoover. I mean repeat the sentence to yourself a few times and you'll realize how ridiculous it is if you haven't already.

Tony: I bring up the Cuban Missile Crisis, because a) holy shit, and b) it was a battle of wills for those involved. JFK, having already proved his physical prowess during the war, showed that he wasn't going to be bluffed like some chump. He has the mental fortitude to come up with a strategy and see that strategy through, negotiating whatever pitfalls he might encounter. What's Camacho's will like? I'm really asking, because I have no idea. I can't imagine he's that mentally tough. He's probably used to getting his way quickly, and when JFK proves a tougher customer, Camacho's going to have no idea what to do with himself.

Doug: I'll have to admit, Camacho's will and ability for strategics may be eclipsed by JFK. But JFK's physical prowess was waning by the time he got to the White House. It was so bad that in addition to his legion of doctors, he was seeing another doctor in secret. That doctor's only job was to prescribe pain medication. No long-term plans for health and wellness, just "make the pain go away." Sounds dangerous. Actually, it kind of sounds like a Michael Jackson-Conrad Murray situation.

So, JFK will either be doped up or in massive pain. It sounds like Camacho will know exactly what to do with a foe like that.

Tony: All you're telling me about JFK's secret painkiller addiction, is that he was ahead of its time. Also, considering that the man clearly maintained control of his faculties whilst doped up, you'll have a hard time convincing me he's going to be that weak when Camacho rolls around. Plus, he'll likely still be partying when he steps into the Arena. Simply put, JFK is holding all the cards. He's winning this.

Doug: Well, he put of the appearance of someone who maintained control of his faculties. The real story about his health problems didn't become public until years after his death. Who knows what was really going on? My guess is that if daily life was a painful struggle for him, I would imagine him stepping into the Arena against a title-winning fighter much bigger than him would look more like a Bay of Pigs than a Cuban Missile Crisis.

JFK might as well open the fight by declaring "Ich bin ein Goner."

The Chief: It's the final match of the 2nd Round. As always, we need your votes and comments, so tell us who should have the final spot in the Round of 16. Polls close 9am Mountain time on Festivus Friday.

Kennedy vs. Camacho

Ex-CIA Director Neutralizes Tippecanoe

George H.W. Bush's CIA know-how proved to be no match for the fatally ill William Henry Harrison.

Bush's fists did the talking in this matchup of familial vengeance.

Bush vs. Harrison

George H.W. Bush	16 (66.7%)
William Henry Harrison	8  (33.3%)

Once again, Bush has gone up against a Harrison, and once again, he ended up with exactly two-thirds of the vote. We hope the CIA isn't monitoring this blog and rigging the votes so that their former director wins by a big margin.

At this point, we're expected to explain how someone able to easily defeat the younger and athletic Bush would get tripped up by the older one. And wouldn't you know, we thought of something. It could be argued that Harrison's first bout took place in the small window of time when he was president but not yet dying. However, after winning his first fight and waiting around for the second fight, Harrison must have caught pneumonia. Right? We don't know. Try not to think too hard about the specifics.

Looking past whatever happened in the First Round, a George H.W. Bush - William Henry Harrison matchup seems pretty straight forward.

Say what you will about Bush, he went up against a very ill 68-year-old. Only major mess up on Bush's part would have ended his Arena run.

Bush moves on to the Round of 16, which is scheduled for Feb. 13.
Join us next week when John F. Kennedy takes on Idiocracy's Dwayne E.M.D.H. Camacho.

Bush vs. Harrison

First, let's get our fine print on:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Moving on.

George Herbert Walker Bush

41st President of the United States
Years Served: 1989-1993
Ages during term: 64-68
Arena experience: Ol' H.W. doubled up on Benjamin Harrison in the first round.

PROS: Bush was an incredibly accomplished prep school kid who dropped everything to enlist in World War II. He spent the war in the Pacific bombing the shit out of freedom's enemies, then survived his bomber being hit-- and by "survived," we mean he had to bail out of his plane. This instilled a love of bailing-out-of-planes that the now ex-president indulges in to this day. He entered into politics with a wealth of connections, which means he knew folks who could get things done, dammit.

CONS: Bush spent his time in national office dodging question after question about how tough he was. He also proved adept at ignoring calamities that were unfolding right under his nose, which would prove unfortunate when the economy tanked under said nose, and Bush did nothing, leading to his defeat in 1992.

William Henry Harrison

9th President of the United States
Served March 4, 1841 - April 4, 1841
Age during term: 68

Arena Experience: Harrison defeated George W. Bush with 60.9% of the vote, though we suspect that the voters allowed their politics to play too big of a role in deciding that one.

PROS: Harrison was in the U.S. Army and served as a major general in the Indiana Territory militia. While in the militia, he kept Tecumseh and company at bay during the War of 1812 and went on an all-out land grab to claim Indiana for the U.S. The guy doesn't back down.

CONS: The guy doesn't back down. Even when it comes to things like putting on a coat when he's about to give a long inaugural speech during a winter storm. Even when it comes to taking it easy when he has pneumonia. Things like that lead to sort presidential terms, and even shorter fights.

The Fight
Tony: Okay, time for straight talk. You and I both know that William Henry Harrison, he of the one month presidency, had no business surviving his first round fight. He was just lucky to go up against someone with a lower approval rating than cancer. Well, now he's going up against George Herbert Walker Bush, and he's going to get his face caved in. Let's look at the facts:

• H.W. is hardcore
• The Bush family have a habit of sticking up for one another; witness Dubya wanting to kick Garry Trudeau's ass for saying mean things about his dad.
• Harrison dispatched Dubya in the Arena.

Thus, we can conclude that H.W. is going to want to exact revenge on Harrison, and Harrison? Well, he's going to be in absolutely no position to defend himself. 

Doug: You realize this is a two-way road, right? You say H.W. is going to exact revenge on W.H.H. for knocking his son out in the 1st Round. And how do you think Harrison's going to treat the guy who beat his grandson? "Oh, that's quite all right, good chap. All in the good name of friendly fisticuffs, then. Tally-ho, and may the best man live to see the 'morrow!"

No, of course not. And I don't know why I made Harrison sound like a fancy British gentleman, because he wasn't one. In fact, he spent his military career in the Indiana wilderness, removing the people who had been there for generations, which proved quite the challenge.

Point being, Harrison is no slouch himself. And he too has the taste for revenge.

Tony: He may be no slouch, but will he be conscious? Let's face it, Harrison enters this match at a serious disadvantage. There is no point during his administration that he was not dying. And now he's supposed to survive the Arena? Not seeing it.

Then there's Bush. Think Bush is a wimp? Ask Noreiga how that turned out. Or, ask all the people with whom Bush has voluntarily jumped out of planes. They'll tell you-- Bush is one bad mother.

Doug: Shut your mouth!

Tony: I'm just talking about Bush!

Doug: Then I can dig it.

But seriously, on paper, this may not be the best of circumstances for Harrison. In reality (actually, that should read "in 'reality'") though, he has already beaten a pretty fit and athletic president in the Arena. Clearly, the voters see something in Tippecanoe that you may be overlooking.

You want me to ask Noriega (the School of the Americas graduate and the guy who worked with the CIA, even when G.H.W. Bush was heading it) about Bush's wimpitude, or should we ask Shawnee chief Tecumseh about William Henry Harrison's? Because there's no common link between Harrison and Tecumseh before they met on the battlefield, unlike Bush and Noriega. It's not like Tecumseh learned his military techniques through Americans only to be deposed by an American president, which seems to be the case with Noriega.

Maybe "wimp" isn't the word with this dealing with Noriega. Maybe "shady" is a better word.

Tony: Again, I think the context of Harrison's previous victory is extremely important here, because if there's one thing our voters have shown, it's that popularity often matters more than actual fighting prowess. Harrison went up against George W. Bush; thus I think it's safe to say his victory has very little to do with him. Either way, he's about the run up against the juggernaut that is George H.W. Bush. Say buh-bye, William!

Doug: I'm totally against the voters ignoring who would actually win in a fight and just going with the guy they like. It kind of defeats the purpose of this blog, but that's what they're doing and there's no way for us to stop it. Are these same voters who disliked W going to be totally cool with the guy who gave us W? It totally sucks, yeah.

They would be ignoring the fact W.H.H. is going to hit H.W. like a log cabin.

The Chief: Now it's up to the readers to decide which of these two cats will end up not copping out even when the danger of the Arena is all about. Vote and comment! Voting closes Friday at 9am Mountain time.

Bush vs. Harrison

Lincoln Logs Another Victory

The Great Emancipator set Ulysses S. Grant free from the shackles of the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena.

The 16th president is going to the Round of 16.

Grant vs. Lincoln

Ulysses S. Grant	9  (37.5%)
Abraham Lincoln	15 (62.5%)

As we noted, we felt that it was a little awkward to have Civil War General Grant go up against his Commander-in-Chief. And given how highly they regarded each other and the fact that Grant reportedly wept openly at Lincoln's funeral, it almost makes this week's matchup cruel. Well, that's the Arena for ya.

While Grant was defeated, it doesn't seem that his feelings for Lincoln played a part. It was all Lincoln's wiry tenacity.

Technically, the ol' "mace in the stove-pipe hat" trick wouldn't fly in the Arena, but the other point is valid. Lincoln's got some pretty mad reach.

Lincoln will move on to the Round of 16, where he's scheduled to meet Theodore Roosevelt Feb. 6.
Tensions will surely MOUNT for that one.
I'm pretty sure people will be RUSHing to see what happens.
And when it's done, they'll be asking for MORE.

Next week, we put George H.W. Bush up against William Henry Harrison.

Grant vs. Lincoln

Ulysses S. Grant

18th President of the United States
Served: 1869-1877
Ages during term: 46-54
Arena experience: Grant defeated President Breyer of Venture Brothers fame in the first round, taking 75% of the vote for a resounding victory.

PROS: Grant is a highly-regarded soldier, who rose from the very bottom of the ranks to command the Union army during the Civil War, which, as American wars go, was kinda important. He balanced that out by being a highly-regarded and internationally renowned diplomat.

CONS: So while there were many avenues in which Grant was a great success, there were many, many more in which he was a complete and abject failure. There are a few reasons for this, but it mainly boils down to the fact that Grant was a) a drunk, and b) really bad at most things. Grant also had such a single-minded focus on his battles that most of his victories ended up in the "Pyrrhic" category.

Abraham Lincoln
16th President of the United States
Served: 1861-1865
Ages Served: 52-56

Arena Experience: Abraham Lincoln gave Zachary Taylor a walloping he won't soon forget, getting 84.6% of the vote. Taylor's no slouch. He was a pretty badass Mexican-American War general. On the other hand, he was killed by cherries.

PROS: Lincoln taught himself everything he knew, taking him a life as poor farmer to an oft-sought out lawyer to a brilliant orator and one of the best presidents in U.S. history. He was a tough president with a rebellion to quash, and quash it he did. Tyler Durden, the guy who likes fighting so much he started his very first Fight Club, wanted to fight Lincoln. Clearly, that's saying something.

CONS: He kind of loses a lot. He lost a U.S. Senate seat in 1854 and again in 1858. In 1856, he broke up the monotony of losing Senate elections by placing second in the race for the vice presidency. In 1860, he went for broke and ran for presidency. Yes, he won, but only because the vote was split with two Democratic nominees. Going into 1864, he was convinced he was going to lose his bid for re-election. On top of this, he is often believed to have suffered from depression and he wrote poetry about suicide. Let's hope he keeps those thoughts in control while in the Arena.

The Fight
Doug: I'm just going to start things off by addressing the elephant in the drawing room; Grant is going up against his own former Commander-in-Chief. AWK-ward.

Tony: Actually, given that Lincoln and Grant were both Republicans, I'd say there are two elephants in the drawing room! Wakka wakka!

Doug: Whatever. Lincoln has defeated his own general before. Just ask George McClellan about the Election of 1864 and the Great Staring Contest of 1862.

Fifteen seconds later, Lincoln made a funny face and McClellan laughed.

No, but seriously folks, this won't be a problem for Lincoln. He has beaten generals before in the Arena, this will just be standard operating procedure. If Lincoln the boy can withstand a horse-kick to the head, I'm afraid to even guess what would take down Lincoln the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena combatant. Short of cowardly sneaking up behind him while he's enjoying a play and shooting him, the man is unstoppable.

Tony: Er, yes. Look, don't throw any George McClellan at me. If he had known what to do with his army from the get-go, there would've been no need for Grant to come along, would there? So really, the fact that Lincoln has defeated his own general before means nothing, because Grant is fifty times the badass McClellan was. Q.E.D.

Grant, meanwhile, has proven that he will disregard logic, human decency, and all manner of obstacles to pursue victory. So what if Lincoln's noggin can withstand a horse kick? He'll have non-theater-related weaknesses elsewhere. Grant will find them, and turn his CIC to RIP.

Doug: Granted, Grant is a badass. I wouldn't want to get into a scrape with him. Does he really compare to Lincoln? How many South Dakotan mountains has Grant been carved into for all eternity? Speaking of Mount Rushmore, did you know that they put Lincoln next to Roosevelt because they were afraid that the Roosevelt head would come alive and start trouble with Washington and Jefferson? They knew that Lincoln would be able to keep Roosevelt in line.

They don't teach you that in school for some reason.

Tony: Yeah, but on the other hand, Lincoln is on what… the five-dollar bill? Meanwhile Grant's sweet mug is plastered all over the $50. So that means Grant is worth ten times' Lincoln's worth.

And what the hell is Rushmore-Lincoln gonna do if Roosevelt starts to step? Sneeze on him? Dude's got no arms, is what I'm saying. Nor torso, nor anything else that would be useful, save for that schnoz. Besides, Lincoln may be carved into rock, but Grant? IS Rock. Or have you not heard of Grantite?

Doug: Grantite? Wasn't that the stuff the peacenik, treehugger-types were saying should be used as an environmentally friendly alternative to Unobtainium in Avatar?

No, Grant being on the fifty doesn't mean he's ten times better than Lincoln. It means he's more obscure. You probably have Lincoln in your wallet right now, maybe even multiple Lincolns. How many Grants do you have? When was the last time you had a Grant? Better yet, go to a 7-11 and try to spend that Grant. They don't accept anything larger than a $20-bill. They don't want Grant around. Lincoln's cool to have around because he preserves the union among the smaller bills in the cash register.

People don't want Grant around. Tyler Durden would be another example. He'd rather fight Lincoln because he's a skinny guy with quite the reach. Grant going to go back to his tomb.

Tony: This just means Grant has a more refined, select group of supporters than Lincoln does. I mean, Lincoln's cool and all, but he's a bit too mainstream. That's right: Grant is the Hipster President. And like most hipsters, he's going to stick around far longer than anyone wants him to.

Besides, what it really comes down to is this: Grant survived the Civil War. Lincoln? Not so much. Time for Unconditional Surrender to notch another victory.

The Chief: Actually, the Civil War ended April 9 and Lincoln died on April 15... but that's less than a week.

Grant or Lincoln? Get your votes and comments in and tell your buddies to do the same. Polls close Friday 9am Mountain time.

Grant vs. Lincoln

The Bully Pulpit and the Bloody Pulp

Theodore Roosevelt didn't just keep himself alive in the Arena...

He also managed to keep his scoreless streak alive as well, which gives us an excuse to run this picture again:

Roosevelt vs. Gilliam

Theodore Roosevelt	21 (100.0%)
Mays Gilliam	0   (0.0%)

Another day, another perfect match for Roosevelt. No explanation is really needed as to why Roosevelt is doing so well. He's Teddy Roosevelt. We'd outline all of the reasons why he was seemingly built for the Arena, but you guys already know. The less said about it, the better off for everyone.

Exactly!

Theodore Roosevelt is scheduled to return to the Arena Feb. 6 for his Round of 16 match.
He will face the winner of next week's match: Ulysses S. Grant vs. Abraham Lincoln.

Roosevelt vs. Gilliam

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena experience: T.R. pitched this tournament's first no-hitter when his first round opponent, Baxter Harris, failed to garner a single vote.

PROS: We'd remind you that Roosevelt once got shot before he was going to give a speech, and he stuck around to finish said speech. He pretty much traveled the world and the seven seas, only instead of looking for someone, he was looking for ass to kick. And oh yes, he kicked it.

CONS: For such an avid rouser of rabble, T.R. was shockingly unhealthy as a child, and his later vigor may have been something of a façade plastered over an unstable core. He was also a man who could put on a hell of a pout as in: "my first wife died, and it screwed me up so badly I never mentioned her again, ever." Damn, T.R. Damn.


Mays Gilliam
Portrayed in the movie Head of State by Chris Rock
Age: Rock was 42 when the movie was released

Arena Experience: Gilliam squeaked by against James Madison in the 1st Round, earning 53.3% of the vote.

PROS: Gilliam is a man of his word, fighting for the people and working hard doing so. Even when the chips are down -- and we'll get to that in a moment -- he still keeps his head down and gets things done, not resting until he's finished.

CONS: It's almost breath-taking how awful his luck is. You would think so much crap wouldn't hit one person in such a small amount of space, but life really rips the rug out from Gilliam. If even a fraction of this happens in the Arena, he's a goner.

The Fight

Doug: When we first met Mays Gilliam, life was kicking his ass. He not only overcame these obstacles, but he became President of the United States. True, people watching Head of State knew this was going to happen, because anyone seeing the movie knew going in that this was the movie where Chris Rock became president. But no one in Gilliam's universe saw this coming. No one! Gilliam has been known to surprise the public.

Is he expected to get past Theodore Roosevelt? Meh, probably not. Gilliam doesn't really let things like that stop him, though.

Tony: Here's how this is going to go. Roosevelt is going to enter the ring, and he is going to lament the fact that he does not have possession of his celebrated "Big Stick." Upon seeing Mays Gilliam, Roosevelt is going to think, "my, that fellow's leg would make for the perfect stick! Bully!"

Roosevelt is going to separate Gilliam's leg from his body, and he's going to temper his prize by beating it against Gilliam's twitching corpse. Then, he's going to speak softly until the third round, when the cycle of violence begins anew.

Doug: Yes, Roosevelt was the avid hunter and he likely had enough kills to keep a few taxidermists in business for quite some time, but that wasn't with his bare hands. While the picture you paint would make an amusing story, he doesn't really have a history of dismemberment -- animals or humans. I mean, do you really think he's capable of tearing a leg off of a living human without any tools? Doesn't that sound like a tad much?

I mean, Roosevelt can certainly waste his time trying. But while he's doing that, Gilliam's getting some pretty solid shots in.

Tony: Yes, Roosevelt has little experience taking a human being apart, but I'm guessing his time as a hunter has given him valuable experience in how one can field-dress something. Meanwhile, Gilliam is something of a spindly character, so I don't think the far more robust Roosevelt will have much trouble dismantling his opponent. And as for this "oh, Gilliam will get in a few shots business, well, I'm not buying it. Will any of his "shots" have the affect of an honest-to-goodness gunshot? Because we already know getting shot in the chest barely slows Roosevelt down. Gilliam's going to have all the impact of a mosquito, and probably won't even be half as annoying from an "itch" perspective.

Doug: While I can't counter the sheer badassery of Roosevelt getting shot and going on to make his speech, it should be noted that luck played a major part in that whole incident. It was complete luck that the bullet hit his steel eyeglass case AND a copy of the 50-page speech he was about to give before entering his body. Had the bullet not been slowed down, it would have been a different situation.


Tony: Hey, listen, the bullet clearly knew its place. And its place was to not kill Teddy Roosevelt.

Doug: Anyway, if we're going to base the outcome of this fight based on the astronomically improbable events of one day, then this is anybody's game.

So I guess we can say that Gilliam is going to give everything he's got for this fight; come what Mays

Tony: Oh, please. Even if he ROSE to the occasion, he'd still need a might powerful RUSE to get past Roosevelt.

The Chief: Yeesh. Yeah, I'm going to stop you two before this gets any worse. Ladies and gentlemen of the commentariat, voting is now open! Leave your Roosevelt vs. Gilliam comments below, and vote to send one of these two to the third round. Voting closes at 9am, Mountain time, on Friday. We'll be back here on Wednesday with more weirdness.

Roosevelt vs. Gilliam

"In Case You Were Wondering, 'Boy, the Great Society, I Don't Know,' Is When I Decided to Kick Your Ass"

Jed Bartlet wasn't born wanting to do this.

But, you know, sometimes you find yourself in an Arena, forced to fight other presidents to the death. Bartlet did what he had to do; he got rid of LBJ.

Bartlet vs. Johnson

Josiah "Jed" Bartlet	81 (81.0%)
Lyndon B. Johnson	19 (19.0%)

Once again, Bartlet supporters came out in support of the West Wing president. Most of those votes showed up on Monday, and after the initial surge, votes for LBJ came in at a nearly 1:1 ratio to the Bartlet votes. Unfortunately, for LBJ, Bartlet was up 60 votes by then. To top it off, we happened to get an even 100 votes this week, which made figuring out the percentages pretty easy.

While the votes were overwhelmingly in favor for Bartlet, the commentariat was split down the middle.

And we have to say that the pro-LBJ comment had a bit more... we hesitate to use the word "flavor," but something like that. There was also a slight concern that if Miss Litella's comment wasn't chosen this week, she'd just call us a bitch under her breath.

Bartlet is scheduled to return to the Arena Jan. 30 when he takes on Franklin Pierce in the Round of 16. Be sure to check in with us next week when Theodore Roosevelt meets Chris Rock's Mays Gilliam from Head of State.

Bartlet vs. Johnson

Josiah "Jed" Bartlet

Portrayed by Martin Sheen in The West Wing
Age: Sheen was 58 when the show premiered, and 66 when the show, along with his fictional presidency, concluded.

Arena Experience: Bartlet met John Tyler in the first round, and the results? Weren't pretty. Bartlet steamrolled his way into Round 2, picking up 88.7% of the vote.

PROS: Bartlet has a Nobel Prize (for Economics!) on his résumé, which isn't too shabby. And he probably knows more about the Bible than any five evangelicals combined. And while we're usually loathe to go meta around here, Bartlet has quite the following on Twitter, and when he's involved in online polls, those guys tend to show up in droves.

CONS: Bartlet is often accused (and rightly so) of being too arrogant for his own shoes, and getting overconfident in the Arena is usually bad times. ALSO, there's the little thing that Bartlet has MS, which he hid from the public, and even his own staff, when he first ran for president. So depending on when Bartlet gets dumped into the Arena, he might be unable to move, or he would only be able to walk using braces and crutches. Could be a problem.

Lyndon B. Johnson
36th President of the United States
Served: 1963-1969
Ages during term: 55-60

Arena Experience: LBJ met Chester A. Arthur in the 1st Round and gave him a sound beating, winning with 80.6% of the vote.

PROS: If someone disagreed with Johnson, they got "The Treatment." It's when he literally got into someone's face spouting accusations, cajolery and mimicry until his opponents were stunned into submission. He used this technique to push through the Civil Rights Act of 1964. He wasn't all talk, either. He "stared down" the Soviet Union during the Six Day War and ramped up our military involvement in the Vietnam War.

CONS: LBJ's heart wasn't really in the best condition. He had suffered a heart attack while he was in the Senate. Though he gave up smoking in an effort to improve his health, he did have to worry about heart disease. His military record was also... interesting, to say the least. He was awarded a Silver Star, despite the fact that he never saw combat. There was one instance where he said he came under enemy fire, but everyone else on the plane he was on said they turned around due to mechanical problems. Fishy.

The Fight
Doug: I have a feeling that this vote isn't going to come down to who is the ornery, intimidating Southerner with a further reach and who sometimes suffers bouts of temporary paralysis. It's going to come down to who was in the popular television show and who was not.

If only LBJ got himself a Rachel hairdo. If only he was the one who shot C. Montgomery Burns. If only he ended one of his presidential addresses with the catchphrase "DYN-O-MITE," then maybe, the angry guy who escalated the Vietnam War and stood at 6'4" would have a chance against the 5'7" bookworm.

If he were a teenage president and not a teenage doctor,
he could have easily cleaned up.

Granted, Bartlet once earned the Nobel Prize for Fistfighting, so that gives him a strong advant -- I'm sorry, I read that wrong. He has the Nobel Prize for Economics.

Never mind.

Tony: Thing is, it's not like Bartlet hasn't waded through the remains of opponent after opponent. Every time someone steps to him, they're smacked down. Yeah, I'm being metaphorical, as Bartlet didn't physically defeat his Republican opponents in the 1998 and 2002 elections, but still, he's not afraid to bring the heat when it's necessary. Just ask the Qumari Defense Minister.

Johnson may have been intimidating in person, but that'll only get you so far. For example, he couldn't intimidate the country into thinking the Vietnam war was still a good idea in 1968. And since he couldn't do that, he quit. He's a quitter.

Bartlet's not the type of guy who would give in to a bully. Johnson's going to bluster his away around the Arena, turn around, and realize he's not making any headway. Then, he's going to pout his way into a second round loss.

Doug: It's not like the Vietnam War was the first thing he tried to push for and it failed so he gave up. He didn't give up on the idea that maybe blacks and whites should be able to use the same water fountains and attend the same public schools. Sadly, for our disgustingly ugly history, that was a much tougher fight than it should have been. It was risky, too. He knew that when he signed it, he was losing the South. He did it anyway, and he easily took the Election of 1964.

He didn't really need the South, anyway.

I'm not questioning Bartlet's tenacity. Clearly, he has plenty of it. And he may not crumble to LBJ's bullying as easily as LBJ is used to. Truth is, anyone who would make it a habit to bully someone into seeing things his way has got to be a mean old bastard. So when the normal stuff doesn't work, LBJ is going to pick Bartlet up by the ears like he was one of his beagles.

It almost looks like he's going to make Him dance.

Tony: Oh, he won't do anything of the sort. We already know what happens when LBJ can't bully his way into something; he goes into Sulk Central. And the pool of people unable to be bullied by LBJ is surprisingly large, as this is a guy who couldn't talk himself past a group of peeved housewives! Okay, granted what I'm talking about comes from The Right Stuff, which means it was when he was Vice President, and granted, The Right Stuff wasn't exactly a documentary, but it was based on real events, so I'm pretty sure it's legit. Okay, it was based on a book that was based on real events. WHATEVER.

Meanwhile, Bartlet is just waiting to pounce on some overconfident Texan. He's never seen an opponent he doesn't know how to handle (I could watch that clip of him taking down the puissant Dr. Laura stand in on a loop for a full week), and LBJ is going to find that out the hard way.

Doug: Yes, but this isn't a contest to see who can talk their way past a group of housewives or a fake Dr. Laura. We're trying to see who could pummel the other person into oblivion. While both guys have enough fire in them to get pumped up for a good fight, only LBJ has the physical might to back it up.

Despite his character's portrayal in the thing based on the thing based on real events, we're going to see that LBJ does, in fact, have the right stuff. (I'd link to the NKOTB video, but no one wants that.)

Tony: Ah, but the Arena isn't simply a matter of physical prowess. You need to be smart in able to concoct a winning strategy, and to react to overcome any obstacles that get thrown in your way. You've got to have the resolve to plow through adversity. And, most importantly, you've got to have… Faith.

Ha! No, just kidding. You have to have the power to motivate your voting base. And Bartlet?

Yeah, he's got that.

The Chief: Indeed. The polls are now open! They will close Friday morning at 9am, Mountain time. Between now and then, you should vote, and then explain why you voted for your combatant of choice via a comment. We'll be back on Wednesday with more general tomfoolery.

Bartlet vs. Johnson

Fierce Like Pierce

Drinks are on Pierce!

Though, we should warn you, he probably has a head-start on you, and he may not even know why he's celebrating.

Pierce vs. Ford

Franklin Pierce	10 (55.6%)
Gerald Ford	8  (44.4%)

Both guys had good looks, military backgrounds and less than great presidencies. It's no surprise that the results were as close as they were. It's not as if Ford had nothing going for him.

Ford may have practiced his punches on Homer (we're assuming that was in a deleted scene), but he was still a better neighbor than George H.W. Bush.

This marks the second week in a row where Chancellor of the Exchequer gave us the Comment of the Week, despite the comment's support of the loser.

Franklin Pierce moves up to the Round of 16, and is scheduled to fight again Jan. 30. Join us next week when Josiah "Jed" Bartlet of The West Wing faces off Lyndon B. Johnson.

Pierce vs. Ford

Franklin Pierce
14th President of the United States
Served: 1853-1857
Ages served: 48-52

Arena Experience: Pierce was neck-and-neck with John Quincy Adams in the 1st Round, but pulled ahead in the final day of voting, finishing with 64.7% of the vote.

PROS: Pierce has fighting experience; he fought in the Mexican-American War, and even stormed Mexico City. Plus, he was a drinker. You shouldn't fight a drunk guy. They can't really feel pain, so they're not going to stop handing out the pummelings. They're in for a hell of a hangover. But hey, that's tomorrow.

CONS: Pierce was deliberate in seeing his ideas through, even if they were terrible ideas. He signed the Kansas-Nebraska Act, which essentially led to people killing each other over whether or not Kansas should be a slave state. And though his handsome face probably served him well in life, it could serve as a bull's eye in the Arena.

Gerald Ford

38th President of the United States
Served: 1974-1977
Ages in office: 62-65

Arena Experience: Ford drew a first-round match against John Adams, and blew the Founding Father away with 63.2% of the vote.

PROS: Ford was an athletic specimen throughout his life, and proved himself to be hard to kill, dodging both typhoons in the Pacific during WWII, and multiple assassination attempts during his presidency. He also lived to the ripe old age of 93, which... daaaayum.

CONS: Few presidents manage to destroy their presidencies within weeks of taking the job, but that's exactly what Ford did when he pardoned Nixon. Ford also had a tendency to shoot his mouth off, leading many to realize that he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Stupid decisions + general stupidity = bad times in the Arena.

The Fight
Tony: Ford! He may not be that bright, but he's a wrecking ball with an unstoppable thirst for blood. Ford! He's dodged bullets and typhoons. Ford! He pardoned Nixon. Okay, that last one was a bit of an oopsie. Moving on...

The point I'm trying to make is that it's going to take more than your average Arena brawler to take down Gerald Ford. Franklin Pierce? He's just a drunk with a pretty face. Meh! Ford is gonna break Pierce in two, and he's probably not going to break a sweat, doing it.

Doug: Pierce kicked some serious ass during the Mexican-American War. If you live in the Southwest (and you do) he helped make sure the site of your future home would be under an American flag. That drunk guy with a pretty face should not be underestimated.

And when Pierce is done in the Arena and he's through cleaning the Ford parts off of himself, he's going to celebrate. And that's not a party you're going to want to miss.

Tony: Have I mentioned that Ford lived until he was 93? 93! And this wasn't exactly a tranquil 93 years. Ford survived the universe throwing all sorts of crazy shit at him, but you know what? The universe knew Ford could handle it. And whaddaya know, he did.

Pierce has never faced an opponent quite like Ford. He's going to bounce attacks off Ford's rugged torso, and he's going to go into a funk when those attacks don't slow Ford down. When he gets into a funk, he's gonna want a drink, but he won't have access to anything in the Arena. He's going to fall into despair, and Ford's gonna crush him.

Doug: Yes, I understand that he was athletic, but he was also a bit of a stumblebum. Maybe not to the degree as portrayed in Saturday Night Live, but still. It seems that all Pierce has to do is wait for Ford to make some major mistake and pounce.

Pierce knows that the sooner he gets rid of Ford, the sooner he can get out of the Arena and have a drink.

Tony: You know how on Futurama, Bender starts falling apart when he's not drinking? Pierce is going to have the same problem. When alcoholics stop drinking their body gets flooded with toxins. Seems like that could possibly hinder someone, doesn't it? So, Pierce is obviously going to be operating at less-than-peak capacity, meaning that Ford's got some leeway to play with. Not that Ford, the presidential tank, needs leeway, mind, but he'll certainly take it if it's offered.

Doug: How long are we expecting this fight to go on? Days? Because it's not going to last for days. I mean, if they're in the Arena long enough for any of those problems mentioned to hit Pierce, they would have dropped from starvation and dehydration first.

No, Pierce will have alcohol myopia on his side. Normally, this isn't an advantage. Alcohol myopia is what tells someone having unprotected sex with a stranger isn't all that bad of an idea, and that getting in a car and driving somewhere will probably end fine. It's shortsightedness, completely ignoring any long-term effects.

But it also makes someone hyper-focused on a single task. It puts people in "the zone." If Pierce had to duck swinging axes and fireballs like in a Super Mario Bros. game while fighting Ford, I'd say that it may not end well for Pierce. But Pierce only has one thing to worry about: Gerald Ford. Pierce is going to be hyper-focused on him. He doesn't have to worry about long-term effects. The task at hand is getting out of the Arena alive and toasting to how worthy of an opponent Ford was.

The Chief: Last week, there was mention of a grand piano being suspended by a rope that could be dropped on someone. This week, it's swinging axes and fireballs. I should really be writing this stuff down for next time around.

As always, polls close Friday, 9am Mountain time. Vote! Comment! Take part in democracy!

Pierce vs. Ford

A Round of 16 We Can Believe In

No one bothered to tell Barack Obama that Thomas "Tug" Benson was indestructible.

And now he's on his way to the next round.

Benson vs. Obama

Thomas "Tug" Benson	4  (23.5%)
Barack Obama	13 (76.5%)

Benson's a tough guy. He took a break from his rigorous re-election campaign to take part in a secret military operation at the age of 80. Our Comment of the Week, though on the losing side, didn't think that Benson's power should be underestimated.

Mandelbaum ain't the #1 Dad anymore.

We should also call attention to Doug's claim that Obama has never been involved in a lightsaber duel. Librahawk set the record straight.

Tony was later quoted as saying "Holy shit! That's fantastic!" We have no clue if he was referring to Obama wielding a lightsaber against a fencer or if he was reacting to Doug being proven wrong. It's probably a little of both.

Obama will return to the Arena for his Round of 16 fight against 24's David Palmer, which is scheduled Jan. 23. Join us next week, when Franklin Pierce meets Gerald Ford.

Benson vs. Obama

First things first:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Now, down to business.

Thomas "Tug" Benson
Fictional president in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
Portrayed by Lloyd Bridges
Age: Bridges was 80 when the film was released

Arena Experience: Benson defeated Woodrow Wilson in the 1st Round with 57.9% of the vote. Wilson had as much luck with Benson as he had convincing the U.S. to join the League of Nations.

PROS: The guy is pretty indestructible. Just looking at his duel with Saddam Hussein, he fell into a lit fireplace and took an iron rod to the face. It didn't seem to hurt him at all. Speaking of his fight with Hussein, he's pretty fearless. Why else would a guy with a multizillion-dollar military complex at his disposal insist on taking care of Hussein himself? Because he's brave and it's not like you can hurt the guy.

CONS: Benson is old. He's the oldest remaining combatant in the pool by at least a decade. Also, his mental faculties are slipping. It has gotten so bad that he once confused his wife for some saboteur. And while it seems like he can't be injured, he's actually been through a lot. It seems like he's being kept alive with modern science and luck. Stepping into the Arena would probably only tempt the fates.

Barack Obama

44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience: President Obama blew up Andrew Johnson in the first round, steamrolling his way to 90% of the vote.

PROS: Obama is well-versed in defying the odds, given that in 2006, he was an obscure senator from Illinois, whom very few people had ever heard of. He's also young, and more athletically-inclined than most American presidents, especially recent ones, so he's not going to tire in the Arena.

CONS: Could be accused of thinking a bit too much. Also, he has perhaps lacked the ability to get angry, and you really need a good head of rage to win in the Arena.

The Fight
Doug: Obama may not show his anger, but he's definitely going to get frustrated with being in the ring with someone nearly twice his age, hitting him with everything he's got, and being completely unable to cause any kind of injury to Benson.

Tony: Funny you should bring up Obama's anger. Since we wrote that initial post, and came up with Obama's official cons... he's been getting angry. Granted, I'd get angry too if my every effort to improve America's economy was smacked down by a Congress whose only mission seems to be to sabotage said economy in order to ensure my defeat in an upcoming election. Still, it's clear that one of Obama's cons has disappeared, which is bad news for Benson.

Doug: Details are minimal, but Benson told a story about once taking a torpedo in the abdomen while in the North Atlantic. The way that's worded, it doesn't make it sound like he was in a sub that got hit with a torpedo and suffered an injury to the abdomen in the process. No, he was out there in the North Atlantic, probably protected with nothing but scuba gear, when he caught a torpedo to the abdomen.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit being awesome."

That would kill most people. Benson just puts it on his laundry list of mishaps he survived, like taking a bullet in Corregidor and falling out of a plane.

Tony: Benson clearly hails from a universe where beings can withstand cartoonish levels of injury. When's he's transported to the Arena, he's leaving that cartoon safety behind, trading it for a world of pain. He can't rely on the same sort of resiliency when Obama is caving in his skull.

Doug: Benson also hails from a universe where he's not afraid to get his hands dirty with some good, old-fashioned mop-the-floor-with-you-edness. Not you personally; the general "you."

Tony: Well, I should hope; I make a terrible mop. I'm more of a rake.

Maybe not Groundskeeper Willie's rake, but a guy can dream.

Doug: Case in point, when he stormed Saddam Hussein's palace. When he got there, a Navy pilot in his 20s was already engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Hussein. What did Benson do? Let the young Topper Harley finish the foe? No. Join in the fight, giving the Stars and Stripes a 2-to-1 advantage? Nope. Instead, he told the guy one-third his age to scram so that he could take care of Hussein himself.

Tony: Oh, so what you're saying is, Benson is so filled with bloodlust, he's prone to making poor choices? Interesting. I mean, we know he did fine anyway, but either of his other two choices at that time had better chances of winning than the one-on-one fight Benson chose. Meanwhile, his opponent knows how to think things, through, is in better shape, and by now, he's probably pissed beyond words. Nice knowing you, Benson!

Doug: No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that at all. It was such a good decision that Topper Harley knew he didn't even stick around on the off-chance that Benson would need his help. There wasn't a doubt that Benson would win that fight. Maybe his skills have already been proven?

Obama's skills? I mean, on paper, he looks like he would do well. He's a young guy in good shape. We've never actually seen him fight, though.

Number of Benson lightsaber duels > Number of Obama lightsaber duels.
On the other hand:
Number of Obama lightsaber duels = Number of lightsaber duels Yoda should have been involved in.

And yes, I understand that since Obama took office, those pirates were killed, as well as bin Laden and countless al-Qaeda leaders. But Obama didn't do that personally.

Benson personally dropped a piano on Hussein.

Tony: That actually makes the plan sound worse. Who the hell was in charge of this Mickey Mouse operation? Oh, Benson, right. So, I guess that makes sense. Lousy decisions just beget lousy decisions with this guy, I guess.

And see, this piano thing-- that's what I'm talking about. When Benson zones into this universe, he's not going to be able to move a piano, let along drop one on an opponent. It's a bit of a moot point, of course, given that there are no pianos in the Arena, but the point still stands-- after this fight, the only job Benson will be hireable for? Will be a corpse.

The Chief: Next time around, we're going to install a dangling grand piano from the rafters. That should make things more interesting. But for now, no pianos.

It's Election Day this week, so get in the voting spirit and vote here! Voting here is better because you don't have to put on pants to vote here. Try doing that at your local polling place.

Polls close at 9am on Friday, Mountain Standard Time. Speaking of which, we hope you remembered to turn your clocks back an hour. If not, you've probably been showing up to everything an hour early.

Benson vs. Obama

Does Wheelchair Basketball have a Final Four?

David Palmer didn't need the help of Jack Bauer (or Larry Bird).

He was able to take care of the guy confined to a wheelchair all by himself. Barely, but that's besides the point.

Roosevelt vs. Palmer

Franklin D. Roosevelt	11 (47.8%)
David Palmer	12 (52.2%)

Once again, FDR brought in an unusually high number of votes, given his inability to walk. But we didn't get a single comment explaining why. Some of Palmer's backers spoke up.

"Assinine," indeed. Plus, who doesn't like a good Karate Kid reference? But this brings up a good point: people voting against FDR aren't voting against his presidency. FDR's was mostly great. Maybe we could have done without him turning away Jews trying to escape the Holocaust, or interring the Japanese -- point of note, Mr. Miyagi's wife died in an interment camp -- but he helped beat the Great Depression and the Nazis. That being said, he probably wouldn't do so well in a physical fight.

Palmer will go on to the Round of 16, scheduled Jan. 23.
Next week, Thomas "Tug" Benson from Hot Shots! Part Deux will be facing Barack Obama.

Roosevelt vs. Palmer

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

32nd President of the United States
Served from 1933-1945
Age during term: 51-63

Arena Experience: FDR faced off against presidential terrorist dispatcher James Marshall in the first round... and won, making it easily the biggest upset this tournament is going to have.


PROS: FDR served the longest term of any President ever-- and unless that 22nd Amendment gets repealed, he'll never lose that record. The point is, he's incredibly durable, especially given that his presidency wasn't exactly low-stress. FDR also showed a lot of creativity coming up with economic plans to get the country out of the Depression; that outside-the-box thinking clearly worked out for him in the first round.

CONS: Really, we can't emphasize this enough, but the dude could not effing walk. He could fake it, kind of, for brief periods, but let's not try and make that more than it was. Also, his health in general was fairly poor for a good chunk of his presidency... which led to him dying while said presidency was still a going concern.

David Palmer
Fictional president in the TV series 24 (2001-2006)
Portrayed by Dennis Haysbert
Age: Haysbert was 48-49 when his presidential episodes aired

Arena Experience: Palmer edged by William McKinley in the first round with 54.2% of the vote. Not bad, considering McKinley was a Civil War veteran.

PROS: Palmer survived two out of three assassination attempts (which ain't bad). The third one was by sniper rifle bullet, which isn't an issue here in the Arena. When Jack Bauer went off the radar to mourn his wife, Palmer was the only one who could get him back. Anyone who could get Bauer out of his Thoreau phase is obviously a force to be reckoned with.

CONS: We should make it clear that Bauer will not be helping Palmer. It's against the rules. Let's just hope Palmer hasn't grown dependent on him. There's also the question of when in Palmer's term this fight is taking place. If it's after assassination attempt #2, Palmer may still be feeling the effects of whatever virus that Mandy chick got him sick with.

The Fight
Doug: I haven't seen Bad Teacher, but there's a part that was shown in the trailers that I think is pretty relevant.

I'm to understand that Jason Segal plays a gym teacher.

How does the How I Met Your Mother universe deal with the fact that there's a
movie star that looks exactly like Marshall Eriksen?

He and a student are having an argument over who the better basketball player is: Michael Jordan or LeBron James. The student is saying that LeBron is a better rebounder and passer. Segal's character dismissively says, "Call me when LeBron has six championships." The kid retorts, "That's you're only argument?" Segal's character responds with, "THAT'S THE ONLY ARGUMENT I NEED!"

The only argument I need? FDR is in a wheelchair. On top of barely being able to walk on his own for very long, his health is in the crapper.

I have yet to hear an argument even close to semi-sane as to how FDR would able to beat James "Get off my plane!" Marshall. Maybe Palmer never personally kicked terrorists out of a plane (LITERALLY!), but he did spend a great deal more of his time as president NOT in a wheelchair than FDR did. That's saying something, because Palmer actually was in a wheelchair for a bit.

Tony: Interesting how you open with something that essentially destroys your case. FDR killed James Marshall! THAT'S THE ONLY ARGUMENT I NEED!

Look, some things in life will never be explained. Like, say, what happened to D.B. Cooper, or who put the "bomp" in the "bomp shoo bomp shoo bomp." FDR's victory over Marshall falls in this category. Perhaps our readers mistook FDR for some manner of cyborg, part man, part machine... all murder! Maybe Marshall's intimidating visage disoriented readers into voting the wrong way.

But, maybe... just maybe... our readers have realized that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was more than enough of a badass to hold his own against Marshall. Maybe they saw the man who pulled America back from the brink, and led the charge against tyranny. Maybe they were just screwing with us. Wait! Strike that last one.

The point is, FDR is here, and Marshall's not. You want to claim Roosevelt's not dangerous? Do so at your own peril.

Doug: My point is that there's a wild card here that, regardless of what turn our debate takes, we cannot control or foresee one aspect: the voters. In FDR's last fight, the voters decided that a paralyzed man without his wheelchair could defeat a Harrison Ford character in a fight. It's a problem that comes up in democracy every so often and that problem is that -- and I'm saying this with all due respect to the voters -- sometimes the voters are wrong.

Maybe they were mistaken about the question. Like, for that week, they thought we were asking who is most likely to sing Tomorrow with a former orphan and the plutocrat who adopted her?

Pictured: FDR, in a wheelchair. I feel I should remind
everyone of the fact that FDR was in a wheelchair.

Or maybe voters did it just to shake things up, and they wanted to see a top-seeder fall in the first round, but they respected the real presidents too much to vote them out. Or maybe they did it out of spite.

Whatever the story is, the voters were wrong. It wasn't not the only time, and it will probably happen again (this week or not). This is why I'm trying to make this as easy as possible: FDR's health was in terrible condition towards the end. In addition to that, he couldn't walk on his own. THIS IS THE ONLY ARGUMENT I NEED.

Tony: Actually, I'm going to say you need more arguments. Because you know what I'm not hearing a lot of? Evidence that Palmer can fight worth a damn. I mean, all he did as President was sit back and let CTU handle things (and by "CTU," I of course mean "Jack Bauer"). What the hell kind of a fighting style is that? A losing one, is what. And did it stop Palmer from getting himself killed? Nope! Granted, I never watched 24, so my perceptions might be a bit off, but still.

FDR is a world-class thinker, just the sort of guy who will be able to figure out a way to defeat a more able-bodied man in the Arena. He's got this.

Doug: No, Palmer hasn't seemed to have actually fought anyone, but he has a history of athleticism. He scored the game-winning basket in a Final Four game.

Though, some credit for the Sycamores' success could be Larry Bird.

Also, worth noting: Palmer can walk.

Though Palmer was killed after his term was up, I can't really buy the presupposition that Palmer isn't a fighter because he can't take a bullet to the throat. Seriously, it's a bullet to the throat. Those are difficult to survive. Are you suggesting FDR could survive that? Are you suggesting "bullet to the throat" is a legal attack in the Arena? I'm going to say "no" to both, so that pretty much means that Palmer's weakness towards bullets to the throat is not really a liability in this case.

Hey, I'm sure FDR could think of a good plan of defeating someone in the Arena. Being able to actually carry said plan out is a completely different story. Since FDR is barely able to stand up on his own, I'm kind of curious how he'd be able to defeat a former athlete in hand-to-hand combat.

I really hate to harp on this wheelchair thing, but it kind of is a big deal that's impossible to get around. It's almost as if IT'S THE ONLY ARGUMENT I NEED.

Tony: I mean, athleticism is cool and all, but that doesn't mean it can win someone a fight. Gymnasts are pretty freaking athletic, but I'm pretty sure I could take one in a fight. Well, unless we're talking about the guy from Gymkata. But I'm fairly sure he's the exception to the rule.

Anyone who disagrees will get a pommel horse-assisted kick to the face.

Palmer was taken down by a bullet to the throat? Tough way to go. Of course, such shootings aren't necessarily lethal-- just ask George Orwell, who was shot in the throat during the Spanish Civil War. Seems that Palmer's a weaker specimen, I suppose. I'll give you that it's unlikely that Palmer will be shot in the Arena itself, but Palmer had better hope FDR never figures out his weakness.

The Chief: Voting closes Friday at 9am MDT. We hope everyone's Halloween is SPOOKTACULAR. We also hope the rest of your week is less so.

Roosevelt vs. Palmer