Monday, November 7, 2011

Benson vs. Obama

First things first:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment
and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence
against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Now, down to business.

Thomas "Tug" Benson
Fictional president in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
Portrayed by Lloyd Bridges
Age: Bridges was 80 when the film was released

Arena Experience: Benson defeated Woodrow Wilson in the 1st Round with 57.9% of the vote. Wilson had as much luck with Benson as he had convincing the U.S. to join the League of Nations.

PROS: The guy is pretty indestructible. Just looking at his duel with Saddam Hussein, he fell into a lit fireplace and took an iron rod to the face. It didn't seem to hurt him at all. Speaking of his fight with Hussein, he's pretty fearless. Why else would a guy with a multizillion-dollar military complex at his disposal insist on taking care of Hussein himself? Because he's brave and it's not like you can hurt the guy.

CONS: Benson is old. He's the oldest remaining combatant in the pool by at least a decade. Also, his mental faculties are slipping. It has gotten so bad that he once confused his wife for some saboteur. And while it seems like he can't be injured, he's actually been through a lot. It seems like he's being kept alive with modern science and luck. Stepping into the Arena would probably only tempt the fates.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience: President Obama blew up Andrew Johnson in the first round, steamrolling his way to 90% of the vote.

PROS: Obama is well-versed in defying the odds, given that in 2006, he was an obscure senator from Illinois, whom very few people had ever heard of. He's also young, and more athletically-inclined than most American presidents, especially recent ones, so he's not going to tire in the Arena.

CONS: Could be accused of thinking a bit too much. Also, he has perhaps lacked the ability to get angry, and you really need a good head of rage to win in the Arena.

The Fight
Doug: Obama may not show his anger, but he's definitely going to get frustrated with being in the ring with someone nearly twice his age, hitting him with everything he's got, and being completely unable to cause any kind of injury to Benson.

Tony: Funny you should bring up Obama's anger. Since we wrote that initial post, and came up with Obama's official cons... he's been getting angry. Granted, I'd get angry too if my every effort to improve America's economy was smacked down by a Congress whose only mission seems to be to sabotage said economy in order to ensure my defeat in an upcoming election. Still, it's clear that one of Obama's cons has disappeared, which is bad news for Benson.

Doug: Details are minimal, but Benson told a story about once taking a torpedo in the abdomen while in the North Atlantic. The way that's worded, it doesn't make it sound like he was in a sub that got hit with a torpedo and suffered an injury to the abdomen in the process. No, he was out there in the North Atlantic, probably protected with nothing but scuba gear, when he caught a torpedo to the abdomen.
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit being awesome."
That would kill most people. Benson just puts it on his laundry list of mishaps he survived, like taking a bullet in Corregidor and falling out of a plane.

Tony: Benson clearly hails from a universe where beings can withstand cartoonish levels of injury. When's he's transported to the Arena, he's leaving that cartoon safety behind, trading it for a world of pain. He can't rely on the same sort of resiliency when Obama is caving in his skull.

Doug: Benson also hails from a universe where he's not afraid to get his hands dirty with some good, old-fashioned mop-the-floor-with-you-edness. Not you personally; the general "you."

Tony: Well, I should hope; I make a terrible mop. I'm more of a rake.
Maybe not Groundskeeper Willie's rake, but a guy can dream.
Doug: Case in point, when he stormed Saddam Hussein's palace. When he got there, a Navy pilot in his 20s was already engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Hussein. What did Benson do? Let the young Topper Harley finish the foe? No. Join in the fight, giving the Stars and Stripes a 2-to-1 advantage? Nope. Instead, he told the guy one-third his age to scram so that he could take care of Hussein himself.

Tony: Oh, so what you're saying is, Benson is so filled with bloodlust, he's prone to making poor choices? Interesting. I mean, we know he did fine anyway, but either of his other two choices at that time had better chances of winning than the one-on-one fight Benson chose. Meanwhile, his opponent knows how to think things, through, is in better shape, and by now, he's probably pissed beyond words. Nice knowing you, Benson!

Doug: No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that at all. It was such a good decision that Topper Harley knew he didn't even stick around on the off-chance that Benson would need his help. There wasn't a doubt that Benson would win that fight. Maybe his skills have already been proven?

Obama's skills? I mean, on paper, he looks like he would do well. He's a young guy in good shape. We've never actually seen him fight, though.
Number of Benson lightsaber duels > Number of Obama lightsaber duels.
On the other hand:
Number of Obama lightsaber duels = Number of lightsaber duels Yoda should have been involved in.
And yes, I understand that since Obama took office, those pirates were killed, as well as bin Laden and countless al-Qaeda leaders. But Obama didn't do that personally.

Benson personally dropped a piano on Hussein.

Tony: That actually makes the plan sound worse. Who the hell was in charge of this Mickey Mouse operation? Oh, Benson, right. So, I guess that makes sense. Lousy decisions just beget lousy decisions with this guy, I guess.

And see, this piano thing-- that's what I'm talking about. When Benson zones into this universe, he's not going to be able to move a piano, let along drop one on an opponent. It's a bit of a moot point, of course, given that there are no pianos in the Arena, but the point still stands-- after this fight, the only job Benson will be hireable for? Will be a corpse.

The Chief: Next time around, we're going to install a dangling grand piano from the rafters. That should make things more interesting. But for now, no pianos.

It's Election Day this week, so get in the voting spirit and vote here! Voting here is better because you don't have to put on pants to vote here. Try doing that at your local polling place.

Polls close at 9am on Friday, Mountain Standard Time. Speaking of which, we hope you remembered to turn your clocks back an hour. If not, you've probably been showing up to everything an hour early.

Benson vs. Obama


  1. Doug, I think your math is a little fuzzy. The number of Bensen lightsaber duels = the number of Obama lightsaber duels:

    See how Obama goes in for the kill, murdering the evil sith lord fencing instructor who is attempting to invade his home (I can only assume that's what is going on in this picture)? Obama will do that and more to Benson.

  2. Damn. I should really Google this sort of thing before I make a sweeping generalization like that.

  3. Holy shit. That's fantastic.

  4. Chancellor of the ExchequerNovember 8, 2011 at 1:57 PM

    As much as I am loathe to pass fake presidents on to the next round, it seems that Obama will be no match for this indestructible octogenarian. We also know that Lloyd Bridges is an avid user of cigarettes, alcohol, toxic glue, and amphetamines. As long as he doesn't pick the wrong day to stop doing these, he will be impervious to Hope and Change, Obama's two fists.
    Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

  5. Obama wins on counts of strength, stamina, and the added protection I will afford him when — against all reason and physical impossibility — I break through the Arena wall like the Kool-Aid man and climb the President like a tree.

  6. Wouldn't that hinder him, though? I think you're doing this wrong...