and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence
against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.
Age in office: 47-49
PROS: Never tell him the odds — As late as 2006, it's fair to say that not many people had heard of Barack Obama. Granted, he had already served in the Illinois state senate, and would win a U.S. Senate seat in November, but nationally, Obama hadn't made much of an impact beyond a keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and an appearance on "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" (who got some mileage over the fact that some guy with a goofy name was going into politics).
|Chances are, if you're reading this blog, you're already somewhat conversant with things like "Who won the 2008 presidential election, and thus is president at the current moment"|
Yes. Yes, he is.
CONS: Thinks too much — One of the trademark styles of the Obama administration is that Obama doesn't rush into anything without giving it some serious thought, first. Depending on your politics, this is either an indication of someone who can't make up his damn mind, or it's a refreshing change from... let's just say from previous administrations.
|"Hello, Domino's? Is your refrigerator running? Then you'd better let 'im out! Heh heh heh."|
|Okay, that's... that's a start, I guess.|
17th President of the United States
Ages in office: 56-60
PROS: War Democrat did his own thing, which seemed to work for him — Johnson was kind of in the middle of the road on the whole slavery issue. He thought preserving the Union was more important. When Tennessee seceded, he was on the only senator from a seceded state to continue service in Congress. As a result, President Abraham Lincoln appointed Johnson to be the military governor of Tennessee. Johnson did a pretty decent job quashing the Confederacy in that state, and spoke out for black suffrage.
As a way of broadening their base, Republicans joined forces with the War Democrats to form the National Union Party in 1864. Lincoln ditched his Northern Republican vice president from the first term and picked War Democrat Johnson as his running mate.
While Lincoln spoke about being lenient on the rebellion, Johnson talked about hanging traitors like Confederate President Jefferson Davis, which the Radical Republicans LOVED. The Lincoln-Johnson ticket won in 1864 and a month after becoming vice president, Johnson became president following Lincoln’s assassination.
It should be noted that the night John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln at Ford’s Theater, there was a conspiracy to off Johnson, Secretary of State William Seward and lieutenant general Ulysses S. Grant as well. Seward was attacked at him home, but survived a stabbing. Grant decided not to go to the theater with Lincoln, so he was safe. George Atzerodt, the guy who was supposed to kill Johnson, lost his nerve. Probably because Johnson was mean looking.
|"Hey you conspirators, get off my lawn!"|
No one took him down — Okay, so the actual presidency didn’t quite come up Milhouse for Johnson. If Johnson were a cop in a movie, there would be a few scenes where the chief (in this case, Congress) calls him into his office to have the “one more stunt like that, Johnson, and I’ll have your badge and gun so quickly, your goddamn head’ll spin “ talk.
|"You're a loose cannon, Johnson!"|
The first attempt came in 1867 and failed. The following year, when Johnson violated the recently enacted Tenure of Office Act, Congress saw this as another opportunity to impeach Johnson. This time there was enough support to impeach him, but the Senate failed to convict him by one vote. If it’s any consolation to Johnson, the U.S. Supreme Court eventually found the Tenure of Office Act unconstitutional nearly 60 years later.
Point being, Johnson’s up for a tough fight, and he’ll end up on top.
CONS: All bark, no bite on Confederacy — I hope that the irony of a Confederate sympathizer assassinating the president, making way for another president who used talk about hanging traitors wasn’t lost on any members of the conspiracy. Especially to Atzerodt, who chickened out and spent that night getting drunk.
|"Shit, I guess I hadn't thought of that."|
He even halted talk on allowing blacks to vote. He also vetoed the first Civil Rights act, on grounds that approving such major legislation when almost one-third of the country was without Congressional representation seemed like a dick move.
Okay, maybe he did this for the good of healing the wounds of the secession and the Civil War. After all, preserving the Union had always been his top priority. He never gave up on that, even if it meant having the Republicans turn on him, getting impeached and being remembered for being a shitty president.
Still though, for the purposes of this blog, he could have helped himself by having a higher body count.
Not much of a fighter — Even before his presidency, he didn’t have a body count. He was elected as alderman at the age of 20 and mayor of Greeneville, Tenn., four years later. Which is an impressive beginning of a life in politics.
But again, for the purposes of this blog, couldn’t have more taken after another 19th century Tennessee Democrat named Andrew?
|I'm sorry Mr. Jackson.|
You're not up yet.
Doug: How long did it take you to find that picture of Obama looking angryish? Did you have to use the word "angry" in the search? You know what you need to do to find a picture of Johnson looking pissed off? Just Google "Andrew Johnson." He has two looks: mean and younger/slightly less mean.
|"No, I'm serious. Get off my lawn."|
No, maybe he didn't storm San Juan Hill, but he's got some "cranky bastard" in him and I'm sure he's not afraid to use it.
Tony: See, but as angry as Andrew Johnson ever was, where did that get him? Nowhere! Well, I mean, granted he managed to leverage said meanness into the presidency, after a fashion. I'll give him that. But after that? He was about as mean as a tired kitten. "Confederacy? Oh, yeah, I'll get right on that... purrrrrrr..."
|Someone's just cranky we didn't take the opportunity to use a sleeping kitten picture.|
Point being, he has a reputation of not wanting people to fight. I'm sure Obama knows this, he knows his stuff. Johnson could probably start off with trying to talk things out with Obama. Maybe there's a way around the barbaric rules of the Arena. "Hey Barack, let's settle this over a beer." Obama likes this idea.
|Whenever a professor and a police officer get in a tizzy, Obama is there with a beer.|
|Also, because no one could stop the unstoppable force that was Horatio Seymour.|
Except for maybe a wildly popular Civil War general.