Monday, December 12, 2011

Bush vs. Harrison

First, let's get our fine print on:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment
and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence
against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.
Moving on.

George Herbert Walker Bush
41st President of the United States
Years Served: 1989-1993
Ages during term: 64-68
Arena experience: Ol' H.W. doubled up on Benjamin Harrison in the first round.

PROS: Bush was an incredibly accomplished prep school kid who dropped everything to enlist in World War II. He spent the war in the Pacific bombing the shit out of freedom's enemies, then survived his bomber being hit-- and by "survived," we mean he had to bail out of his plane. This instilled a love of bailing-out-of-planes that the now ex-president indulges in to this day. He entered into politics with a wealth of connections, which means he knew folks who could get things done, dammit.

CONS: Bush spent his time in national office dodging question after question about how tough he was. He also proved adept at ignoring calamities that were unfolding right under his nose, which would prove unfortunate when the economy tanked under said nose, and Bush did nothing, leading to his defeat in 1992.
William Henry Harrison
9th President of the United States
Served March 4, 1841 - April 4, 1841
Age during term: 68

Arena Experience: Harrison defeated George W. Bush with 60.9% of the vote, though we suspect that the voters allowed their politics to play too big of a role in deciding that one.

PROS: Harrison was in the U.S. Army and served as a major general in the Indiana Territory militia. While in the militia, he kept Tecumseh and company at bay during the War of 1812 and went on an all-out land grab to claim Indiana for the U.S. The guy doesn't back down.

CONS: The guy doesn't back down. Even when it comes to things like putting on a coat when he's about to give a long inaugural speech during a winter storm. Even when it comes to taking it easy when he has pneumonia. Things like that lead to sort presidential terms, and even shorter fights.

The Fight
Tony: Okay, time for straight talk. You and I both know that William Henry Harrison, he of the one month presidency, had no business surviving his first round fight. He was just lucky to go up against someone with a lower approval rating than cancer. Well, now he's going up against George Herbert Walker Bush, and he's going to get his face caved in. Let's look at the facts:
  • H.W. is hardcore
  • The Bush family have a habit of sticking up for one another; witness Dubya wanting to kick Garry Trudeau's ass for saying mean things about his dad.
  • Harrison dispatched Dubya in the Arena.
Thus, we can conclude that H.W. is going to want to exact revenge on Harrison, and Harrison? Well, he's going to be in absolutely no position to defend himself. 

Doug: You realize this is a two-way road, right? You say H.W. is going to exact revenge on W.H.H. for knocking his son out in the 1st Round. And how do you think Harrison's going to treat the guy who beat his grandson? "Oh, that's quite all right, good chap. All in the good name of friendly fisticuffs, then. Tally-ho, and may the best man live to see the 'morrow!"

No, of course not. And I don't know why I made Harrison sound like a fancy British gentleman, because he wasn't one. In fact, he spent his military career in the Indiana wilderness, removing the people who had been there for generations, which proved quite the challenge.

Point being, Harrison is no slouch himself. And he too has the taste for revenge.
Tony: He may be no slouch, but will he be conscious? Let's face it, Harrison enters this match at a serious disadvantage. There is no point during his administration that he was not dying. And now he's supposed to survive the Arena? Not seeing it.

Then there's Bush. Think Bush is a wimp? Ask Noreiga how that turned out. Or, ask all the people with whom Bush has voluntarily jumped out of planes. They'll tell you-- Bush is one bad mother.

Doug: Shut your mouth!

Tony: I'm just talking about Bush!

Doug: Then I can dig it.

But seriously, on paper, this may not be the best of circumstances for Harrison. In reality (actually, that should read "in 'reality'") though, he has already beaten a pretty fit and athletic president in the Arena. Clearly, the voters see something in Tippecanoe that you may be overlooking.

You want me to ask Noriega (the School of the Americas graduate and the guy who worked with the CIA, even when G.H.W. Bush was heading it) about Bush's wimpitude, or should we ask Shawnee chief Tecumseh about William Henry Harrison's? Because there's no common link between Harrison and Tecumseh before they met on the battlefield, unlike Bush and Noriega. It's not like Tecumseh learned his military techniques through Americans only to be deposed by an American president, which seems to be the case with Noriega.

Maybe "wimp" isn't the word with this dealing with Noriega. Maybe "shady" is a better word.
Tony: Again, I think the context of Harrison's previous victory is extremely important here, because if there's one thing our voters have shown, it's that popularity often matters more than actual fighting prowess. Harrison went up against George W. Bush; thus I think it's safe to say his victory has very little to do with him. Either way, he's about the run up against the juggernaut that is George H.W. Bush. Say buh-bye, William!
Doug: I'm totally against the voters ignoring who would actually win in a fight and just going with the guy they like. It kind of defeats the purpose of this blog, but that's what they're doing and there's no way for us to stop it. Are these same voters who disliked W going to be totally cool with the guy who gave us W? It totally sucks, yeah.

They would be ignoring the fact W.H.H. is going to hit H.W. like a log cabin.

The Chief: Now it's up to the readers to decide which of these two cats will end up not copping out even when the danger of the Arena is all about. Vote and comment! Voting closes Friday at 9am Mountain time.

Bush vs. Harrison


  1. Chancellor of the ExchequerDecember 13, 2011 at 2:00 PM

    GHWB is far tougher than WHH. What y'all got to remember is that ol' William Henry only attacked the Shawnees at Tippecanoe after Tecumseh had left for a trip down south to visit the badass Creeks and Seminoles. Had he been around with his badass buddies, there wouldn't have been any "Tippecanoe and Tyler, too" it would've just been "Tyler." I think GHWB is going to teach William Henry some things that he learned in the CIA.

  2. All I really need to know about US history, I learned from public school and SNL rerunsDecember 14, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    If there was ever a scenario in which Elder Bush's go-to tactic — being ineffectual while waiting expectantly for the problem to resolve itself — proves the surest way to victory, my guess is that entering in hand-to-hand combat against a man who's just contracted a killer respiratory disease is it.