Monday, December 19, 2011

Kennedy vs. Camacho

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
35th President of the United States
Served: 1961-1963
Ages during term: 44-46

Arena Experience: Kennedy faced off against faux-faux-President Dave Kovic in the first round, and walked away with 73.3% of the vote.

PROS: Kennedy spent World War II in bad-ass mode. I mean: getting your boat sawed in half by a Japanese destroyer? Check. Leading your men to safety through shark-infested water? Check. Towing a wounded comrade by your teeth? Check. Later on, the Russians found out just how tough JFK was when they went eyeball-to-eyeball over Cuba, and the Russians ended up blinking. He was also an astute historian and analyst, and had netted a Pulitzer Prize before he became president.

CONS: Kennedy suffered back problems all his life, and by the time he was president, he was in constant pain. He also suffered from Addison's disease, which we'll admit, we don't understand. It dosen't sound good, though. In addition, Kennedy was very much part of the 1%, and many of his pre-presidential accomplishments were made in part because of his connections.

Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Served as fictional President of the United States in the 2006 film Idiocracy
Portrayed by Terry Crews
Age Served: Crews was 38 when Idiocracy was released

Arena Experience: Camacho defeated Herbert Hoover with an unimpressive 55.6% of the vote in the 1st Round.

PROS: Prior to being elected president, Camacho was crowned as Ultimate Smackdown champion five times. With those titles alone, it's safe to assume that he can handle himself pretty well in a fight. It was also noted that throughout the movie, a team of scantily-clad women were surrounding Camacho. Why would he forgo a security detail? Either because he knows he could handle anyone coming after him, or he knows no one would dare come after him.

CONS: Not very bright. In Idiocracy, the human population has gotten dumber over the centuries. The American people didn't elect Camacho on merit, but on the fact that he was an fighting champion and a porn "superstar." The country was in terrible shape, but he had absolutely no ideas. Instead, he just followed the terrible ideas of his idiotic Cabinet -- which included a boy who was about 12 years old. Point being, while he's got lots of muscle, he probably won't be going in with a lot of strategy.

The Fight
Tony: Okay, I want everyone to sit back, close your eyes, and imagine a world in which JFK wasn't a complete and total badass. What would that world be like? Okay, everyone come back, now. What did you imagine? Did you imagine a planet full of radioactive craters? Because if you didn't, you're doing it wrong. A world without JFK is a world in which some other dumb schmuck would be stuck grappling with the Russians during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and that wouldn't end well for anyone. The moral? JFK gets it done.

Also, I'm not sure I like the odds of someone who only barely squeaked out a win against Herbert Freaking Hoover. Camacho may have been an Ultimate Fighter, but in this match, he's going to be an Ultimate Loser.

Doug: Yeah, that's great and all, but the Cuban Missile Crisis wasn't settled with a wrestling match between JFK and Krushchev. Not to take anything away from JFK's ability as president, because he handled that pretty well. JFK's not going to lose his cool, no. He's not going to lose any of his major health concerns either, which should be considered.
And yeah, I can't really say it makes sense that the guy played by Terry Crews almost lost to Hoover. I mean repeat the sentence to yourself a few times and you'll realize how ridiculous it is if you haven't already.

Tony: I bring up the Cuban Missile Crisis, because a) holy shit, and b) it was a battle of wills for those involved. JFK, having already proved his physical prowess during the war, showed that he wasn't going to be bluffed like some chump. He has the mental fortitude to come up with a strategy and see that strategy through, negotiating whatever pitfalls he might encounter. What's Camacho's will like? I'm really asking, because I have no idea. I can't imagine he's that mentally tough. He's probably used to getting his way quickly, and when JFK proves a tougher customer, Camacho's going to have no idea what to do with himself.

Doug: I'll have to admit, Camacho's will and ability for strategics may be eclipsed by JFK. But JFK's physical prowess was waning by the time he got to the White House. It was so bad that in addition to his legion of doctors, he was seeing another doctor in secret. That doctor's only job was to prescribe pain medication. No long-term plans for health and wellness, just "make the pain go away." Sounds dangerous. Actually, it kind of sounds like a Michael Jackson-Conrad Murray situation.

So, JFK will either be doped up or in massive pain. It sounds like Camacho will know exactly what to do with a foe like that.

Tony: All you're telling me about JFK's secret painkiller addiction, is that he was ahead of its time. Also, considering that the man clearly maintained control of his faculties whilst doped up, you'll have a hard time convincing me he's going to be that weak when Camacho rolls around. Plus, he'll likely still be partying when he steps into the Arena. Simply put, JFK is holding all the cards. He's winning this.

Doug: Well, he put of the appearance of someone who maintained control of his faculties. The real story about his health problems didn't become public until years after his death. Who knows what was really going on? My guess is that if daily life was a painful struggle for him, I would imagine him stepping into the Arena against a title-winning fighter much bigger than him would look more like a Bay of Pigs than a Cuban Missile Crisis.

JFK might as well open the fight by declaring "Ich bin ein Goner."

The Chief: It's the final match of the 2nd Round. As always, we need your votes and comments, so tell us who should have the final spot in the Round of 16. Polls close 9am Mountain time on Festivus Friday.

Kennedy vs. Camacho


  1. Although I think we can all agree that JFK was one of the most badass presidents of all time and Comancho was dumber than Dubya, even without any sort of strategy all Dwayne needs is one lucky hit and that will cause a chain reaction of pain to radiate throughout Kennedy's already weak body, crippling him and giving Comancho the opportunity to finish the job.

    Were this a battle of wits, JFK would win hands down, but this is hand to hand combat we're talking about.

  2. Two hits: me hitting you, you hitting the floorDecember 20, 2011 at 10:10 AM

    Come, now, we all know this scene. It's the scene from the 80s movie in which the good-looking, popular protagonist tries to talk his way out of conflict with the big bruiser he slighted at the bar. Spoiler: the pretty boy gets flattened before completing his first ultra-smooth friendly chuckle.

    Poor John, never knew what hit him. Er, again.

  3. Terry Crews was in White Chicks.....done done and DONE!!!!!!

    Seriously.....Have you seen President Camacho?? JFK would be all "ask not what your....." as President Camacho catapults him out of the ring.

  4. Here is how it goes down:
    *they enter the ring*
    JFK: "Look! A distraction!" *points*
    DEMDHC: Where? *turns around*

    Then Kennedy attacks from behind.

    This repeats until Camacho dies from pummeling/confusion.