Monday, December 5, 2011

Grant vs. Lincoln

Ulysses S. Grant
18th President of the United States
Served: 1869-1877
Ages during term: 46-54
Arena experience: Grant defeated President Breyer of Venture Brothers fame in the first round, taking 75% of the vote for a resounding victory.

PROS: Grant is a highly-regarded soldier, who rose from the very bottom of the ranks to command the Union army during the Civil War, which, as American wars go, was kinda important. He balanced that out by being a highly-regarded and internationally renowned diplomat.

CONS: So while there were many avenues in which Grant was a great success, there were many, many more in which he was a complete and abject failure. There are a few reasons for this, but it mainly boils down to the fact that Grant was a) a drunk, and b) really bad at most things. Grant also had such a single-minded focus on his battles that most of his victories ended up in the "Pyrrhic" category.

Abraham Lincoln
16th President of the United States
Served: 1861-1865
Ages Served: 52-56

Arena Experience: Abraham Lincoln gave Zachary Taylor a walloping he won't soon forget, getting 84.6% of the vote. Taylor's no slouch. He was a pretty badass Mexican-American War general. On the other hand, he was killed by cherries.

PROS: Lincoln taught himself everything he knew, taking him a life as poor farmer to an oft-sought out lawyer to a brilliant orator and one of the best presidents in U.S. history. He was a tough president with a rebellion to quash, and quash it he did. Tyler Durden, the guy who likes fighting so much he started his very first Fight Club, wanted to fight Lincoln. Clearly, that's saying something.

CONS: He kind of loses a lot. He lost a U.S. Senate seat in 1854 and again in 1858. In 1856, he broke up the monotony of losing Senate elections by placing second in the race for the vice presidency. In 1860, he went for broke and ran for presidency. Yes, he won, but only because the vote was split with two Democratic nominees. Going into 1864, he was convinced he was going to lose his bid for re-election. On top of this, he is often believed to have suffered from depression and he wrote poetry about suicide. Let's hope he keeps those thoughts in control while in the Arena.

The Fight
Doug: I'm just going to start things off by addressing the elephant in the drawing room; Grant is going up against his own former Commander-in-Chief. AWK-ward.

Tony: Actually, given that Lincoln and Grant were both Republicans, I'd say there are two elephants in the drawing room! Wakka wakka!

Doug: Whatever. Lincoln has defeated his own general before. Just ask George McClellan about the Election of 1864 and the Great Staring Contest of 1862.
Fifteen seconds later, Lincoln made a funny face and McClellan laughed.
No, but seriously folks, this won't be a problem for Lincoln. He has beaten generals before in the Arena, this will just be standard operating procedure. If Lincoln the boy can withstand a horse-kick to the head, I'm afraid to even guess what would take down Lincoln the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena combatant. Short of cowardly sneaking up behind him while he's enjoying a play and shooting him, the man is unstoppable.

Tony: Er, yes. Look, don't throw any George McClellan at me. If he had known what to do with his army from the get-go, there would've been no need for Grant to come along, would there? So really, the fact that Lincoln has defeated his own general before means nothing, because Grant is fifty times the badass McClellan was. Q.E.D.

Grant, meanwhile, has proven that he will disregard logic, human decency, and all manner of obstacles to pursue victory. So what if Lincoln's noggin can withstand a horse kick? He'll have non-theater-related weaknesses elsewhere. Grant will find them, and turn his CIC to RIP.
Doug: Granted, Grant is a badass. I wouldn't want to get into a scrape with him. Does he really compare to Lincoln? How many South Dakotan mountains has Grant been carved into for all eternity? Speaking of Mount Rushmore, did you know that they put Lincoln next to Roosevelt because they were afraid that the Roosevelt head would come alive and start trouble with Washington and Jefferson? They knew that Lincoln would be able to keep Roosevelt in line.
They don't teach you that in school for some reason.
Tony: Yeah, but on the other hand, Lincoln is on what… the five-dollar bill? Meanwhile Grant's sweet mug is plastered all over the $50. So that means Grant is worth ten times' Lincoln's worth.

And what the hell is Rushmore-Lincoln gonna do if Roosevelt starts to step? Sneeze on him? Dude's got no arms, is what I'm saying. Nor torso, nor anything else that would be useful, save for that schnoz. Besides, Lincoln may be carved into rock, but Grant? IS Rock. Or have you not heard of Grantite?
Doug: Grantite? Wasn't that the stuff the peacenik, treehugger-types were saying should be used as an environmentally friendly alternative to Unobtainium in Avatar?

No, Grant being on the fifty doesn't mean he's ten times better than Lincoln. It means he's more obscure. You probably have Lincoln in your wallet right now, maybe even multiple Lincolns. How many Grants do you have? When was the last time you had a Grant? Better yet, go to a 7-11 and try to spend that Grant. They don't accept anything larger than a $20-bill. They don't want Grant around. Lincoln's cool to have around because he preserves the union among the smaller bills in the cash register.

People don't want Grant around. Tyler Durden would be another example. He'd rather fight Lincoln because he's a skinny guy with quite the reach. Grant going to go back to his tomb.
Tony: This just means Grant has a more refined, select group of supporters than Lincoln does. I mean, Lincoln's cool and all, but he's a bit too mainstream. That's right: Grant is the Hipster President. And like most hipsters, he's going to stick around far longer than anyone wants him to.

Besides, what it really comes down to is this: Grant survived the Civil War. Lincoln? Not so much. Time for Unconditional Surrender to notch another victory.
The Chief: Actually, the Civil War ended April 9 and Lincoln died on April 15... but that's less than a week.

Grant or Lincoln? Get your votes and comments in and tell your buddies to do the same. Polls close Friday 9am Mountain time.

Grant vs. Lincoln


1 comment:

  1. Chancellor of the ExchequerDecember 8, 2011 at 12:08 AM

    Going to be all size advantage here. Lincoln would have towered over Grant, probably would've pummeled him with the medieval mace he carried in that stove-pipe hat. Also at the time of Grant's presidency, he became quite the portly fellow, not a match for the spindly rail-splitter from Springfield.

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