Monday, October 3, 2011

Washington vs. Cleveland

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Annihilated Greg Brady in the first round. I mean, good God, it wasn't even close.

PROS: Washington took a bunch of under-fed, under-provisioned farmers, and not only turned them into a halfway decent Army, he took on the greatest military force in the world (at the time), and won. Not bad, George! He was also an imposing physical specimen who dabbled in boxing and wrestling, and had a notoriously short temper to boot.

CONS: Washington's military record, Revolutionary heroics aside, is actually pretty spotty. And, um... yeah.

Grover Cleveland
24nd President of the United States
Served: 1893-1897
Age during term: 55-59

Arena Experience: Grover Cleveland barely survived his 1st Round match, earning only 51.4% of the vote. That being said, Cleveland was pretty evenly matched; his opponent was himself. We imagine the Clash of the Clevelands looked a lot like George and Oscar Bluth fighting each other.

PROS: Cleveland the Elder has a history of winning, even when he loses (like in the Election of 1888). And while he was eight years older than his younger self, nothing makes a man feel younger than being married to a vivacious woman 27 years younger. Plus, he's bested himself, so you can think of that as figuratively defeating his inner-demons.

CONS: Cleveland isn't much of a fighter. In fact, the only reason why he advanced to the 2nd Round is because he was fighting himself. In other words, either Cleveland was guaranteed a spot in the 2nd Round regardless of the outcome of the fight. Also, the one who advanced also happened to have mouth cancer, so he's not in the best health.

The Fight
Tony: This is a tough one, I mean, on the one hand, you have a tall, lean, military badass who had experience with wrestling and boxing, and notoriously short fuse. On the other, you have a shortish, not-so-lean opportunist with a cancer-ridden body. I'm telling you, our voters certainly have their work cut out for them this time!

Okay- pop quiz time! In the preceding paragraph, was I being: a) sarcastic, b) sincere, or c) John Malkovich?
Choice C is looking pretty good.
Doug: d) a jerk. Not for anything that you said, in specific. There are some jerk undertones I can't help but notice. You also earn jerk points for making me add the correct choice, thereby trying to make me look like a jerk. So on second thought, the answer should be e) a double-jerk.

Tony: The only double jerk here is this delicious Jamaican chicken I'm munching on.

Doug: So if you're not a double jerk, are you saying you're a triple jerk? I wasn't going to say anything, but I was kind of thinking that double jerk wasn't quite telling the whole story. If you're comfortable with being a triple jerk, then who am I to argue?

Tony: Sigh. Well, I could do this all day, just go 'round and 'round in a pathetic circle jerk, but I'll just point out that it takes one to know one, and move on.

Doug: Then it's settled. You're not a triple jerk, you're a one-man circle jerk.

Tony: Why I oughta...

The Chief: Okay, seriously? Do not make me come over there.

Tony: *inaudible grumbling*

Doug: Anyway, Cleveland is tougher than you think. He kept his cancer a secret because he knew that if he had cancer, there would be panic. "If a toughie like Cleveland has cancer," I'd imagine an 1890s person would say, "what hope do I have?" So he kept quiet about the cancer and had it removed "while on vacation."

On a boat. Show me a guy who looks at the medical technology the 1890s has to offer and says, "Yup, give me oral surgery. Wait, let's make things interesting. Let's do this on a boat," and I'll show you an Arena contender.
He had his swim trunks and his flippie-floppies.

Tony: Wait, Cleveland didn't want there to be a panic? There must be something I'm missing in this scenario, because all I can think is that Adalai Stevenson was some sort of not-too-secret terrorist, meaning that Cleveland was the last line of defense against total anarchy.
The face of anarchy. Only not.
And no, I don't give Cleveland extra credit for having his surgery on a boat. Why should I? That's just reckless behavior, right there. He tries to pull the arena-equivalent of that move, and George Washington's going to kick him into oblivion.

Doug: Yeah, Cleveland didn't want there to be panic. That's just kind of the way things worked back then. For example, while William McKinley was in Buffalo — during the trip where he was eventually assassinated — he visited Niagara Falls and even went on the Honeymoon Bridge, but refused to step into Canada because he didn't want there to be panic. Apparently, we were thought to be more prone to panic back then.

Sure the idea of undergoing surgery on a boat to keep avoid a panic sounds dumb nowadays, but Cleveland did what he hand to do to get things done. The U.S. had order and he beat cancer. This time around, the Round of 16 will have Cleveland and he'll beat Washington.

Tony: This continued talk of "panic" still isn't making sense. Did McKinley think that if he stepped foot on Canadian soil, people were going to think he was defecting? I'll admit, having a sitting president defect to another country would definitely be newsworthy, but panic-worthy?

Doug: Don't ask me to explain the minds of the late 19th century American, but yes, McKinley didn't want word getting around that he left the country, even if it was for a few minutes. Yeah, it's silly. Whatever.

Tony: We're getting off point again. Seems like Cleveland's fear of panic led him to make some questionable decisions. What happens when he, himself is panicking? I only ask because once Washington starts throwing haymakers, whatever strategy Cleveland was thinking of using is going to be thrown out the window. Then, he's going to panic, and it's not going to be pretty.

Doug: Cleveland has no reason to panic. Let's not forget who Grover Cleveland faced in the 1st Round: himself! He was whisked away into the Arena only to see a younger version of himself. If I were ever in this situation, my first impulse would probably harmonize be to Queen songs with myself like this guy did. Cleveland didn't panic. He decided to be rid of his his other self, no questions asked, which would almost be the furthest thing from my mind. What would be the furthest thing from my mind? Orgy with a relative, like this guy did.

Imagine how difficult it is to win a fight against yourself. Your opponent knows all of your weak points and how to shut down your strengths. Cleveland won despite the perfect match, the cancer, the supposed reckless surgery and the fact that he had eight years on his opponent.

Cleveland won't panic. He's seen it all, and he knows the sooner he beats whomever shows up, the sooner he can go home to his super-young wife. 
Well played, Cleveland.
The Chief: Well, that was more bickering than usual. Even for you two. As always, polls close 9am Friday MDT. Vote! Comment! Your country needs you.

Washington vs. Cleveland


  1. Whether your the 22nd president , 24th or a gay puppet, no grover is safe fom GW!!!

  2. Grover is obviously the Lucky Pierre for Bert and Ernie.

  3. Gay means happy, right? Even though our blue childhood friend has a man's hand up his ass, I mean no malice towards Homosexuals (or as I like to call it 'homosensuals'). Grover Cleveland, however, is totally getting fucked up by a man - George Washington....and that's not meant homosensually.

  4. Paul Revere (still a-ringin' them bells)October 4, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    George Washington was once in a duel. His opponent missed, and he had all the time he wanted to take his shot. First, he sized up his opponent's head, then moved down. He considered his opponent's torso, but passed. Finally, he took careful aim and blasted the SOB right in the groin. He knew that instead of a quick and comparatively merciful death, the groin shot would indeed be fatal, but preceded by several agonizing days of pain and widespread infection.

    I'm frankly afraid to vote against such a brilliant tactical mind that doesn't hesitate to let his sadistic-freak flag fly.

    Source: I'm pretty sure I remember my eighth grade Social Studies teacher telling this story. And if we've learned nothing else from Fox News, it's that misremembered schooling and half-baked crap passed off as fact is the very bedrock of this great nation of ours.