Up north, our Canadian friends celebrate Thanksgiving which, like here, includes a big meal and watching football. This gives them nothing to do on the fourth Thursday in November. Might we suggest Cabot Day?
|He looks like he could probably be genocidal as well.|
The HttCttD Staff, though dedicated workers, are not ones to squander an excuse for a large meal — regardless of how decidedly un-American it may be. The Chief allowed staffers to eat a big Thanksgiving dinner while catching some Canadian Football League action, as long as they did something which "embodied the spirit of Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH" while "loafing, Canadian-style," as he put it. He wasn't very specific as to what he meant, but the staffers figured out a fun Canada-centric activity:
(Does the PM have a song? We don't even know.)
|Three separate occasions.|
|Serving at the age of 74, that puts him in "Reagan territory."|
Paul Martin vs. Joe Clark — Clark is the youngest in the pool, but he squeezed in a win against the people who just voted for Martin because he was so recent.
Lester "Mike" Pearson vs. Clark McDonald from the 1995 film Canadian Bacon, portrayed by Wallace Shawn — No one remembered Canadian Bacon, so everyone just imagined Vizzini in the ring. That didn't turn out so hot for him.
|It also tanked in the box office.|
Pearson vs. Clark — Clark may be young, but Pearson was an athlete and a war hero. Also, Canada's largest city's airport is named after him AND he held office in the 1960s. He's like Canada's JFK, only in better physical condition. Pearson won.
|Maybe next time, Uncle Louis|
|Talk about apron strings.|
So, we thought it was fitting to do this "the Canadian way," which meant setting up a large panel to discuss who would win. It was down to:
Pearson, whose success we already followed.
Pierre Trudeau, who beat out Wilfrid Laurier in that bracket's finals. Trudeau's supporters have come up with the rallying cry of "Just watch me... kick your ass!"
|"My message to the Front de libération du Québec? |
'Hey FLQ, Fah-Q!'"
John Diefenbaker, who defeated William Lyon Mackenzie King in that bracket's finals. One of Diefenbaker's nicknames was "The Chief," so he seemed like the obvious choice. Plus, his willingness to stand up to JFK shows he could probably be a spirited fighter in the Arena.
|We'd say "Hail to the Dief," but that would probably piss him off.|
While a discussion like this would work well in Canada, Americans are a bit more bloodthirsty with a need for definitive answers. Plus, we tend to get distracted with other things.
|"Wait, a football team could finish a game with only one point? How does that happen?"|
By that point, staffers were tired from the big meal and getting bored with the whole Canada thing. We thought it would be fitting — given that Canadian history seems to be one anticlimactic story after another — that three winners would be crowned.
If there could be 36 "original Fathers of the Confederation," then there could be three winners in this thing, right?
Meanwhile, back in the States, the fight between Ronald Reagan and Martin Van Buren rages on. Vote, because unlike our failed Canadian experiment, there will only be one winner.