Monday, January 9, 2012

Washington vs. Van Buren

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Stomped Mike Brady's face to smithereens in the first round. Gave Grover Cleveland what-for in the second round. Neither match was particularly close, with Washington winning 90+% of the vote in both rounds.

PROS: Is George Effing Washington. More specifically, the Champ what Chopped the Cherry Tree has a keen tactical military mind, and is a fine physical specimen, to boot.

CONS: Didn't win every single battle ever, I guess?

Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States
Years Served: 1837-1841
Ages in Office: 54-58

Arena Experience: Van Buren met Nixon's Head from Futurama in the 1st Round and walked away with 61.9% of the vote. Next, he was able to beat Ronald Reagan with 68.8% of the vote in the 2nd Round.

PROS: He was nicknamed the Little Magician because of his ability for political machinations, which eventually got him into Andrew Jackson's good graces, and into White House. And according to an episode of Seinfeld, there's a street gang named after Van Buren that still terrorizes Manhattan.

CONS: Only part of the nickname "Little Magician" was literally true, and it's not the part that could serve him well in the Arena. Also, another reason why he was paired with Jackson on the 1832 Democratic nominee was because he was about as opposite of Jackson one could get while still remaining a Democrat, which means he was the opposite of a bad ass.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: I would say it's quite the miracle that Van Buren even made it this far. He's lucky that he was paired up with a severed head in the 1st Round. As for him beating Reagan? That's all part of the leftist slant the our voters tend to take. Personally, I thought Reagan could have had it.

And now Van Buren's luck has ran out in the worst way. He's up against George Washington.

I could point out that in the fictional universe of Seinfeld, the Van Buren Boys have taken over New York, a city Washington was forced to retreat from during the Revolutionary War as general. If the Van Buren Boys have such an easy time keeping hold of New York, why couldn't Washington? I'm kind of grasping at straws at this point.

Let's hope Van Buren has a major trick up his sleeve.

Tony: Lemme just say this: you've gotta be some kinda badass to warrant a memorial like this:
Look at that thing. I mean, look at it. Now ask yourself, "is there a Martin Van Buren monument anywhere?" And the answer is, there's this:
Oh. Huh. That's... something, I guess. It's, uh... okay, but it's no:

*drops mic*

The Chief: Of course, the monument leaves itself open for juvenile jokesters
But Washington probably doesn't let stuff like that get him down.

Polls close Friday at 9am.

Washington vs. Van Buren


  1. William Howard TaftJanuary 9, 2012 at 10:25 AM

    If GW doesn't win this round I'm going on a tofu diet.

  2. Normally, I'm all for rooting on the underdog...but this is, as the great patriot Sam Jackson would say, George Motherrf*ckin Washington! Granted he lost more battles than he won, he was the Randy Moss of the Presidency: in that he brought is A-game during primetime and he wasn't opposed to the occasional mooning. (Just read his journals from Dorchester Heights and you'll see he had his men moon the Brits out of Boston!) I say Washington goes to the Final Four, easy! George is the Georgetown of this tourney, VanB is the Vanderbilt. (Side note: How come I couldn't have drawn Marty Van Sideburns? Damn you Andrew Jackson!!!) And when it’s all said and done, to adopt the Washington Nationals’ fans rally cry…Let Teddy Win!!! Go TR!

  3. Chancellor of the ExchequerJanuary 10, 2012 at 12:31 AM

    I agree with Ike. George is going to snort up some of his homemade cocaine and ride his pocket full of horses all the way to the finish line. The future beware. He's coming.