Monday, January 23, 2012

Palmer vs. Obama

::clears throat and breaks out the "reading the fine print" voice::

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment
and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence
against any president:  former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

David Palmer
Fictional president in the TV series 24 (2001-2006)
Portrayed by Dennis Haysbert
Age: Haysbert was 48-49 when his presidential episodes aired

Arena Experience: Palmer met up with William McKinley in the 1st Round and just got by with 54.2% of the vote. In the 2nd Round, faced Franklin D. Roosevelt with even closer results, finishing with 52.2%.

Pros: Palmer has survived two assassination attempts, one of which he bounced back and was able to win the presidential election. He just rolls with whatever you serve up and he gets by no problem.

Cons: A lot of Palmer's successes, both politically and survivability, have a lot to do with Jack Bauer's help. Bauer won't be here in the Arena. It's just Palmer on his own.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience: Faced Andrew Johnson in the first round, and won a resounding 90.5% of the vote. Fought fictional Tug Benson in the second round, and didn't do quite as well, winning with 76.5%.

Pros: Obama is an expert at defying long odds and proving his doubters wrong. He's also one of the most fit entrants in the entire bracket. Also, remember this? We had kind of forgotten about it, but it's still awesome:


Cons: Could possibly be accused of being a bit too thoughtful. Ability to get really, truly angry has been called into question; given that he hasn't broken the thumbs of everyone in Congress by now, this might be a valid point.

Pre-Game Analysis
Tony: The question here is not, "who will win" but rather, "how many pieces will Obama break Palmer into?" Will he merely snap Palmer in half, or will the rage that's been building up over all the bullshit he's had to face lead to some kind of psychotic break, leaving nothing left in the end but tiny pieces of Palmer jerky? I mean, really... Palmer can't be anywhere as tough as Tug Benson was, and Obama carved through him like... like.. oh, geez, I had something for this. Like a boss? Meanwhile, Palmer only got 52.2% of the vote against Captain Polio FDR. This fight will only be close when viewed through some grander perspective, like sitting at the center of the galaxy and saying that Pluto is relatively close to the Sun.

Doug: Well, from his brushes with death in the 24 universe to the ones he has had in the Arena, Palmer has managed to barely scrape by each and every time. Well, except for that time the sniper shot him in the neck. He does have that going for him. However, he's going up against Obama here. Obama is incredibly popular with our readers. Only four combatants have received over 90% of the vote at least once: George Washington (3 times), Theodore Roosevelt (twice), Andrew Jackson (once) and Obama. He's in this category tied with Andrew freakin' Jackson! As much as I enjoy close matches like last week's, I don't see it happening this week.

Yeah Palmer, good luck with that.

The Chief: Pfft! If Obama's so great, why couldn't he sing more than one line of that Al Green song? Polls close Friday 9am Mountain Standard Time.

Palmer vs. Obama


  1. Groupie, Groupier, GroupiestJanuary 23, 2012 at 9:36 AM

    I'm calling this matchup "Vote With Your Panties."

  2. Typically, I'd tell you why I'd vote for Palmer. Like, how "it's very bad to steal Jobu's rum." Or something to that effect. But this is 2012, and this great man, Barack (Omitted) Obama is up for real re-election. I am hereby giving my formal election endorsement of President Obama via the HttCttD wall post, and I am committing to his victory this week. (Why can't we say Hussein? Just because some scumabg Iraqi dictator ruined the name, why should he be ashamed of it? Just saying.) Oh, and when it's all said and done, Obama is gonna give Palmer the Mayhem treatment. Let's see if Palmer is "in good hands" when he's sent to the ER after the Cash for Clunking Obama is gonna deliver this week.