Monday, January 2, 2012

Kang vs. Whitmore


Kang
Elected President of the United States in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VII
Voiced by Harry Shearer
Age: Who knows?

Arena Experience: Drew James Buchanan in the first round, and pounded the Earthling into submission with 86.7% of the vote. In the second round, he faced James Monroe, and had a tougher go of it, squeaking by with 55%. On the plus side, that last link goes to one of our better post titles, so.

Pros: Possesses more limbs than the average human, and has long studied the human condition. So that's a physical and a mental advantage, thankyouverymuch.

Cons: Ability to handle Arena conditions has remained an open question (though he's survived two matches thus far). Also, and this cannot be stressed hard enough, was once chased off Earth by a freaking board with a nail in it.
To Kang's defense, it was waved menacingly.

Thomas J. Whitmore
Fictional President of the United States played by Bill Pullman
Served: In the film Independence Day (1996)
Age during term: Pullman was 42 when the movie was released

Arena Experience: Whitmore's 1st Round win against James Garfield drew a record 113 votes, and he emerged with 64.6% of the vote. In the 2nd Round, Whitmore defeated Thomas Jefferson with 69.2% of the vote.

Pros: As if his fighter jet heroics during Operation Desert Storm weren't enough, Whitmore helped save humanity when he led a squadron against an alien invasion. Also, he's a young guy and he seems to be in good shape. He's up for a fight, and he seems like he could do a decent job in one.

Cons: Whitmore was once in a fight with the super nerdy David Levinson (played by Jeff Goldblum). There seemed to be no clear winner in that donnybrook. If Whitmore can't beat Levinson in a fight, what good would he be in an Arena?
It's not as if Capt. Steven Hiller had his back.
Also, we hesitate to use annoying keyboard shortcuts, but wtf is up with this pose?
Also, for reasons that aren't clear, he gets little respect from Americans. Though, I imagine that changed after the whole alien thing.

Pre-game Analysis

Doug: Yes, he was involved in a fight with some communications geek and didn't completely obliterate him. It's probably not fair to use to measure Whitmore's fighting abilities. That was some scuffle among acquaintances, not some free-for-all to the death. Outside of the Arena, Whitmore had to worry about consequences of pummeling Levinson. He could have been arrested. It could have ruined his political career. I'm guessing Whitmore held back.

Then there's the fact that his approval rating was in the shitter at the beginning of the movie. Maybe he was a lousy president. Who knows? Whatever the case may be, you can say what you will about him, there's one fact that you can't take away from him:

He kills aliens. In fact, it's the one thing we know he's good at.
The movie kind of glosses over the cataclysm caused by having dozens of massive ships like this hit the ground,
but that's not important. What's important is that Whitmore kills aliens.

Normally, this wouldn't be an issue. This time, however, he's getting ready to fight Kang, who has been an unstoppable force. But the freight train that is Kang has just rolled into Whitmore's comfort zone.

Tony: Yeah, but seriously. Whitmore's had trouble with opponents who are smaller and weaker than he is, and now he's going up against someone who is decidedly larger and stronger.
According to the Internet, Bill Pullman has two to four inches on Homer Simpson,
which still puts Whitmore as a disadvantage against Kang.

Whatcha gonna do now, Whitmore? Oh, right. Lose.

Because let's look at Kang. He's big, strong, and can grab hold of all Whitmore's limbs and still have limbs left over to tentacle-punch Whitmore in the face. He knows every trick that Earth's puny weaklings can come up with, and he knows how to top them all. Well, maybe not "all," but decidedly "most." The board-nail incident was embarrassing, but neither implement will be around in the Arena. Big advantage: Kang. Really, I think the only regret Kang is going to have after this match is that "Eagle one, Fox two" can't be turned into an easy burn line after Whitmore's death rattle.

Kang vs. Whitmore

3 comments:

  1. I vote for Whitmore because I support humanity. Besides, it goes right along with my 1955 support of the Paxton/Pullman treaty. Kang will be neutralized quicker than you can say "May the Schwartz be with you."

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  2. Chancellor of the ExchequerJanuary 2, 2012 at 7:19 PM

    Perhaps the best question is not whether Whitmore can beat Kang, but rather Kang can beat the aliens in Independence Day. Seeing as Whitmore has extensive experience in kerfuffles with alien life forms, I doubt he will have much trouble grinding Kang into dust, even without Will Smith.

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