Monday, September 19, 2011

Monroe vs. Kang

James Monroe
5th President of the United States
Served: 1817-1825
Ages during term: 58-66

Arena Experience: Monroe battered his way past the Love Actually guy in the first round, picking up 63.6% of the vote along the way.

PROS: Spent the Revolutionary War being a total badass, then proceeded to tell Europe to keep their damn dirty hands off the entire Western Hemisphere. Dude was unaccustomed to taking shit from the old world, basically.

CONS: Monroe's presidential races were somewhat devoid of opposition, meaning he might not be used to challenges by the time he gets in the Arena. Also, he was kinda one of those "last of his generation" guys, and you never know if those guys are going to go out with a bang, or a whimper.

Elected President of the United States in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VII
Voiced by Harry Shearer
Age: Who knows?

Arena Experience: Kang obliterated James Buchanan in the 1st Round, earning 86.7%. Buchanan never really stood a chance.

PROS: He has years of experience observing the human condition, and he has a history of using this knowledge to his advantage. If he can rig an election, he could probably take one in a fight, and the fact that he's much bigger and has more limbs helps.

CONS: During his last fight, there was a question of whether or not Kang would be able to survive without his suit. He also once got spooked when he got chased by a bartender wielding a board with a nail in it.

The Fight
Doug: I believe our last debate on Kang ended in a deadlock. We couldn't agree on how he would fare without his space suit. All we know for sure is that while walking around Earth for extended periods without a space helmet, he will occasionally need to exchange long-protein strings with another Rigelian.
That may have been a cover-up for Bob Dole and Bill Clinton being seen
holding hands on multiple occasions during the 1996 presidential election.
Beyond that, it's up to our imagination. You theorized that he breathes with the help of some unseen technology, which would not be allowed in the ring, while I said it was possible that an unseen organ could serve as an air reserve, which would be allowed.

Since neither can be proved or disproved, we'll have to have the voters weigh in. And last time they did that, Kang slithered away with nearly seven out of eight votes. Kang knows how to rip apart a puny human before running out of air.

Tony: Yes, the voters had their say, but I think Kang is up against a somewhat more formidable opponent this time around. After all James Buchanan was an indecisive diplomat and academic. Monroe, on the other hand, spent a considerable chunk of the Revolutionary War kicking ass and taking names, and when he got into the White House, he didn't dither around. He grabbed Florida from Spain, and then told all of Europe to go hang.

Now, I'm not gonna say that Monroe is not going to freak out a bit when he first gets a look at Kang. However, once Monroe goes to battle, he's not going to back down until his foe is vanquished.

Doug: Granted, Monroe's going to make things more interesting than Buchanan did, but he's still no match against the Rigelian.

And I believe you may be giving Monroe a little too much credit about entering a ring and seeing Kang. He's going to freak out a bit when he sees himself on the Arena's JumboVision. Granted, he would have seen that in the previous round, but it's still just as shocking to him the second time around, I'm sure. Then he'll get a load of the 10-foot alien he's supposed to fight. He may need to change his knee breeches after that.

Tony: Well, I'm gonna say that you're probably giving too much credit to Kang's intimidation factor. After all, he did get scared off by the old "board with a nail in it" maneuver. I realize Monroe can't pull that same trick, but who's to say there aren't other weird things that Kang is scared of? Perhaps he's as terrified of his competitors as they are of him! His bravado is just a shield masking his insecurities! Monroe, ever the tactician, will sense this, and unleash a righteous whooping.

Doug: I can't really explain the board with a nail in it incident. Maybe it was first-time invasion jitters that are clearly out of his system by now. By this time, he has already enslaved humanity and vaporized the entire audience of The Jerry Springer Show.
Easily the best thing for humanity to ever occur during a taping of The Jerry Springer Show.
He's even a veteran of the Arena. There won't be a repeat of the board incident.

After studying humans for as long he has, he's not going to be terrified of James Monroe. Maybe worried that he'll get Monroe blood in his giant eye, but even that won't be a major problem for Kang.

Tony: Well, sounds to me like Kang is a guy with issues. And you know, I'll respect that. I mean, we've all got our foibles. I, for example, face many challenges on account of how unnaturally good looking I am. Kang's issues, however, seem to run pretty deep. I mean, if an angry bartender ran at me with a nail in a board, I would be unnerved, yes, and would attempt to extract myself from the situation as quickly as possible. Would I extract myself from an entire planetary invasion? Not so much.
Kang's mask of bravado is going to come undone in this next fight. You could say he's going to get… *sunglasses* Monrolled.
Doug: Yeah, I'd have to agree with Roger Daltrey and the Miami skyline on that one. That was a bit of a stretch.

The Chief: Tough crowd. As always, polls close Friday, 9am MDT.


  1. If Madison had the ability to break thick glass (if indeed kang's helmet is glass) then I think he could stand a chance. I've tried punching glass and it is not easy to break. I also think its an unfair fight because of said glass. Good luck jimmy!

  2. Don't blame me, I voted for KodosSeptember 21, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    Kang is too unpredictable for me to call it in his favor — not as in space-alien unpredictable, either. One minute Kang pinpoints the primary shortcoming of the US's adherence to the two-party system, the next, Kang is attempting to hitchhike to "Earth Capital."

    We just don't know which will step into the Arena: culturally literate Twilight Zone and War of the Worlds parody Kang, or "We have reached the limit of what rectal probing can teach us" Kang (actually Kodos, but I'll assume it was a shared sentiment). Only the former even has a chance at making this a fair fight, so the odds are already against him.

    It's almost as though from one appearance to another, different people are writing Kang's to speak.