Monday, September 5, 2011

Jackson vs. Dale

 A Special Message from
Greetings loyal readers and welcome to 2nd Round action at HttCttD. Since all of the combatants have been formerly introduced, we'll be doing things slightly different from now on. But, the rules of the Arena, and the voting system, are still the same.

Let the 2nd Round begin!

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Jackson whooped up on William Howard Taft in their first-round matchup, earning 86.8% of the vote, and barely broke a sweat doing it.

PROS: Jackson was extraordinarily tough, and extraordinarily lucky. He survived a tough childhood, numerous wars and battles, and when faced with a dual-pistoled assassin, he got out unscathed (because both guns jammed).

CONS: Jackson was of rather advanced age by the time he got to the Presidency. And his trusted cane (the one he used to beat the crap out of the assassin we mentioned above) is not allowed into the Arena. Could be a problem.

James Dale
Served as President of the United States in the 1996 film Mars Attacks!
Portrayed by Jack Nicholson
Age Served: Nicholson was 59 when the film was released

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Dale defeated Warren G. Harding in the 1st Round with 57.1% of the vote. No word if Harding's wife helped Dale with a good old-fashioned poisoning.

PROS: Dale showed no fear and an unflappable spirit in the face of a large-scale alien invasion. He was ready to go hand-to-hand against an alien and acted cool under pressure.

CONS: Dale also shows a history of taking the worst advice available and being far too trusting his foes. It didn't help him in the movie and it certainly won't help him out here.

The Fight
Tony: So, I don't think Ol' Hickory has much to worry about, here. I mean, sure, you could argue that Dale is all fearless and brave and whatnot. I'd argue that Dale is just stupid. Either way, he doesn't have an edge on Andrew Jackson. I mean, after everything Jackson has dealt with in his life, do you think he's going to be quaking in his boots at Mr. "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"? Please. And this is besides the fact that even though Dale was all gung-ho about taking on aliens, he didn't exactly survive the invasion. Meanwhile, anyone who tried to step to Andy got a whoopin'. This is no contest.

Doug: If we want to use a Mars Attacks! analogy, Andrew Jackson would kind of be like Jack Black's character. Only much, much older. Oh sure, Jack Black's character (Billy-Glen Norris) is a military man ready to kick ass, but he doesn't last very long. To his credit, he isn't killed immediately, but it's pretty early on. True, Dale died too, but that was after surviving another fight with an alien.

Jackson has a bit more experience under his belt, but his luck isn't going to last forever. Both guns jammed? C'mon, he's on borrowed time as is. Which is doubly true when you consider he's well into his 60s in the 1830s.

Tony: Wait, Jack Black was in that movie? Wasn't that from before he was famous?

Doug: Yes, he was. It was the same year he appeared in movies like The Cable Guy and Bio-Dome (with Kyle Gass). 1996: apparently a big year for Jack Black.

Tony: Nice work by the casting director! But, I digress.

Anyway, I'm not precisely sure if your little analogy there holds weight. I mean, I get it, Dale survived longer than your younger Jackson stand-in, but isn't there also a little matter of how they died, and whether those methods of death would be available in the Arena. I mean, if Jackson can't have his cane, then Dale can't show up with a disruptor or a flag that impales people. No, this fight is about strength vs. strength, and Jackson (even at his advanced age) has strength oozing out of his pores. Dale is gonna get… oh, wait, it's not pun time, yet. Carry on.

Doug: And the point of my little Jackson=Jack Black analogy was to point out that it doesn't matter how much guts or bluster you have. That may work when you're storming New Orleans or committing horrible acts of genocide, but in a one-on-one battle, it doesn't really matter. All bark and no bite. Okay, Jackson doesn't have no bite. He's got a considerable amount of bite, but it's nothing Dale hasn't seen before.

Tony: I dunno, sounds like Dale is being a little cocky going into this match. He thinks he can handle Jackson; it's no big deal. He couldn't be more wrong! Jackson won the Battle of New Orleans. He stole Florida from the British. He survived starvation and sickness as a P.O.W. during the American revolution. Dale… punched out an alien? Yeah, okay. When the two of them face off in the Arena, Dale, is gonna get… *sunglasses* chipped.
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAwait, that's not what I had earlier. What was it? I swear I had something for this…


Doug: Yeah, Jackson has been to hell and back. By the time he was in the White House, he was a tired and sick old man who was quickly falling apart. In fact, his Wikipedia article says "Jackson was one of the more sickly presidents..." The same article devotes one sentence to his retirement. I imagine that bit about his retirement is so short on information because his retirement was probably devoted to yelling at slaves and waiting for Death to find him.
"What the hell took you so long?"
Yessir, King Andrew is going to get jacked.

The Chief: And that wraps up the first matchup of the 2nd Round. As always, polls close 9am Friday. Vote! Comment! Tell your friends! And have a Happy Labor Day.

Jackson vs. Dale


  1. Important question: Are the contestants completely fresh and healthy, or are they carrying the wounds from their first-round battles? This could make a huge difference in some of the matchups.

  2. Even in the midst of annihilation, Dale seemed cool and collected - which can be good in thinking up the right thing to do, but I doubt it will help him in this fight. I think Jackson still has enough pent up aggression from his long, hard life to result in turning Dale into pulp.

  3. Although I'm still incredibly bitter about my bad draw and getting stuck with A.Jackson in the first round, it's pretty clear this fellow is a juggernaut. Jackson is probably the favorite to win the whole goddamn thing. Now go get me a goddamn snack ala Rex Ryan!

  4. just look at jackson's face! there be wisdom behind dem eyes!