Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Here's the Story of a President Named Brady

When Tony and I were first working out the details of this blog, one of the first things we had to do was come up with fictional presidents to round out our bracket to an even 64. The two of us sat down and went through a Wikipedia article listing every fictional character who had served as President of the United States. That's when we learned of the existence of The Brady Bunch in the White House.

A little more investigation taught us that, in this movie, Mike Brady became president and named his own wife, Carol, to be vice president.

The mere existence of this movie brought a few questions to mind:

Mike Brady was really president?
How awful is this movie that we had never heard of it?
How the hell does Brady become president?
And seriously, he names his wife VP?

Well, I'm here to answer these questions.

Yes, he really became president. And the movie goes beyond awful to the point where it actually kind of gets closer to slightly enjoyable. And then it veers off to major suckage and it keeps going in that direction at a break-neck pace until the ending credits roll.

The last two questions need a bit of an explanation.

It all started when Bobby, Brady's youngest son and member of the Safety Club, went into a seemingly abandoned warehouse to rescue a cat. Bobby was successful in rescuing the cat, but not before finding a lottery ticket inside a wallet found on a musty old mattress. He took the ticket home, already planning on how to spend the winnings.

Yes, Bobby may have stolen from a homeless person. Okay, maybe this person isn't homeless; just someone who would sleep on a musty mattress with sheets, blankets and pillows in an abandoned warehouse.

The ticket ended up being a $67-million winner. Mike, being the beacon of honesty he is, insisted that the ticket be returned to its rightful owner. After an exhaustive search, the ticket's owner didn't show up. There was a good reason for that. The guy who bought the ticket was on death row and was on his way to being put to death just as the news was covering the story of the Bradys.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE CORNER: How did someone purchase a lottery ticket, get arrested, convicted, sentenced to death AND put to death all within such a short space of time? I'd worry about the justice system being a little too quick, but given where his wallet was found, he's probably a poor person. And we all know poor people doesn't deserve as much justice, right

Brady eventually donated the $67 million for a program that builds homes for homeless architects and their families. I can't think of a single cause more worthy.

"Thanks for nothing, asshole."

At the same press conference where President Lawrence Randolph recognized Brady's donation, he denied any link to a particular scandal. He even went so far as to say this if anyone were to prove this wrong, he would resign. Yeah, that seems like a good political move.

Also on the agenda: Randolph's running mate. Vice President Marshall Ross had recently announced that he would not run with Randolph for re-election. Who would run in his place? Randolph mentioned that he's looking for someone honest and with an unblemished history. Brady's wife, Carol, asked, "Why not Mike?" A member of the press repeated the question and that was pretty much the president needed to hear. Running mate chosen.

VOICE OF REASON CORNER: I'll tell you why not Mike. Randolph knows nothing about him or what he stands for. What if Mike believes in mandatory abortions to cut on population growth? What if Mike thinks we should spend half of our budget for drilling for oil on Mars? What if Mike is totally unprepared for interviews and claims to read all of the newspapers and that Alaska is important to foreign policy because of its proximity to Russia? It would totally tank your campaign. That's why not Mike!

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened next. Randolph-Brady won and Randolph, it turned out, WAS linked to that scandal. Randolph resigned at his inauguration and Brady became president.

As soon as Brady was named president, everyone wanted to know: Who will be vice president? I don't know why this would be an issue The post has been vacant 18 times in our history, for various reasons. And I'm not talking a day here and a day there. I mean if you combine all 18 times, it adds up to almost 38 years.

Speaker of the House Sal Astor, who had wanted to be Randolph's running mate, tried to weasel into the post. However, Brady's own wife had her eyes on the vice presidency, and unlike Astor, Carol was able to make Mike sleep on the couch until he agreed to give her the job.

No, really. That was Carol's entire argument.

CONSTITUTIONAL LAW CORNER: I don't know the constitutionality of a president picking a spouse as vice president. I don't think the issue is explicitly addressed, and it's possible that it's not. Through a technicality of the 12th Amendment, two people from the same state can't be on the same ticket, which means Mike and Carol Brady couldn't run together unless one of them claimed residency in another state. However, Mike was already president, so it seems that so long as she was confirmed by Congress, it's okay. They just can't run for re-election.

Congress was a little skeptical at first, but Carol calmed their woes with a song-and-dance routine accompanied by the Brady kids.

Still not convinced? What if they have a big finish?


And that's the way they all became the Brady-Brady Administration.

My guess is the second Brady leaves office, Congress will rush an amendment banning husband-wife teams for the presidency and vice presidency, along with choreographed and costumed speeches in the Capitol.

This road to the White House covers almost half of the movie. From this point, the movie takes a violent turn into Crapsburgh and somehow manages to get worse.

I've told you the important parts. Take my advice and avoid this movie.

It may not be face-meltingly bad, but why take that risk?

Be sure to vote in this week's fight, Washington vs. Brady.


  1. This ranks right up there with the 23 minute long review of "Human Centipede" by Daniel Tosh.

    Thanks for falling on the grenade for all of us.