Monday, March 19, 2012

Jackson vs. Washington

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore

PROS: Jackson's entire life was spent getting kicked in the teeth in various ways. He not only overcame all that adversity, he thrived off of it. And we are once again obligated to mention the whole Richard Lawrence assassination attempt thing, which... seriously.

CONS: Jackson was not exactly a spring chicken by the time he made it to the presidency... but that's about all we've got. Oh, except also, there was the genocide. Don't want to overlook the genocide.

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round:  92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.7% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland (24)
Round of 16: 95.24% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren
Quarterfinals: 67.86% of 28 votes against Jack Ryan

PROS: Washington took a ragtag army with very little supplies and took on one of the biggest superpowers. And he freakin' won! He also knew how to fight and box as well. So he has the tactics, the ability and the physical stature of a fighter.

CONS: Though he led the colonies to the win, it was a pretty sloppy victory. Like imagine a quarterback throwing four interceptions, but winning anyway. Only instead of football, it's a war where the general almost got himself captured and where New York City fell under British control.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Hoo boy, this is a tough one. But I'm definitely going to have to go with the experienced general who is a Pisces.

Ha! See what I did there? It's funny because they're both... okay, I'll move on.

Both of these guys are ready to fight, but I'm guessing Jackson will go the "flailing wildly while blind with anger" route where Washington would be a bit calmer. Not to say that Jackson's style wouldn't do any damage, but it would probably tire him eventually. So while this kind of fighting worked fine against the likes of William H. Taft or even Thomas J. Whitmore, it may not work as well against Washington, who doesn't know how to give up.

Washington's been in the shit. He froze his ass off in Valley Forge while his soldiers were dropping like flies around him. He knows how to turn things around and end up on top. Washington will be a bloody mess, but just when Jackson thinks he's in the homestretch, that's when George comes alive and brings the pain onto the fatigued Jackson.

Tony: Here's a practical question: when has Jackson's blind-rage bezerking ever failed him? Oh, how about never. On the other hand, George Washington has a career fighting record that is distinctly less than 100%. What's up with that?

Here's the thing, though: Jackson wasn't just a wrecking ball filled with bile, he also represented a new wave of American politician, one that valued the "common man" over the elites favored by Jeffersonian Democracy. Now, obviously, you could rightly argue that the man who best represents the values of Jeffersonian Democracy was... Thomas Jefferson. He's obviously not in the picture at the moment. But, I'm guessing George Washington would make for a pretty good stand in. Thus, this fight isn't between two of America's great leaders, but a battle for the future of the country itself. A battle for the soul of Democracy. With those stakes, Jackson isn't going to back down easily.

Besides, Washington isn't going to be able to bottle Jackson up at Yorktown and hope that he gives up before hurricane season. Jackson's going to send Washington to the great Mount Vernon in the sky.
Does Sky Mount Vernon have slavery?

Jackson vs. Washington


  1. need to vote for Jackson !!!!

  2. I'd take Carved In Stone Rushmore Washington Jawbone over Not On Rushmore Jackson Jawbone all day. However comparing the entirely less badass jawbone from the Washington portrait to Jackson's -- likely more true to reality at the time of their respective presidencies -- made my decision very easy. In a match like this, I'm not sure what else to base my opinion on.

  3. Jackson was a bad ass.....done no more discussion.

    Washington was lucky.....really lucky.

  4. Sometimes you have to take back the country and sometimes you have to kill everyone. Andrew Jackson is that guy.

    Tony is right. Jackson would see killing Washington as the right thing to do for America, so he would get the job done.

    Also, I hear Washington was a cannibal ( Do you know who else probably heard that rumor? AJ. Do you know what would piss AJ off? High society folks eating the common man. As far as I'm concerned, Washington is a dead man walking.

  5. Battle of the Redheads! (Or, Ginger Factor Cancels Out)March 21, 2012 at 12:39 PM

    I'll grant you a "career fighting record that is distinctly less than 100%," but I'll trump it with Washington's stand-alone achievement of being elected President with 100% of the electoral college vote. The intermediate stuff falls away, Battle < War, and the like.

    In practical terms, a couple of wild, inebriated swings are not going to change the outcome: younger, fitter GW is about to upend an old bag of marbles.

  6. It's the final rounds of the challenge, some Presidents may get a little loose with the rules. I see George sneaking a hatchet into the arena in his boot, and burying it in the skull of Old Hickory. What, you're gonna get George Washington for breaking the rules? He's George monkey-fighting Washington! He makes the Monday to Friday Rules!