Monday, February 20, 2012

Jackson vs. Whitmore


Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower

PROS: Jackson comes into the Arena as a veteran of both wars, and assassination attempts. He's the ultimate survivor.

CONS: By the time he gained the presidency, Jackson was somewhat removed from his fighting peak. Could be a problem. Granted, it hasn't been so far, but you never know.

Thomas J. Whitmore
Fictional President of the United States played by Bill Pullman
Served: In the film Independence Day (1996)
Age during term: Pullman was 42 when the movie was released

Arena Experience
1st Round: 64.6% of 113 votes against James Garfield
2nd Round: 69.2% of 26 votes against Thomas Jefferson
Round of 16: 73.9% of 23 votes against Kang from The Simpsons

PROS: Whitmore's a young guy and a fighter pilot flew in Desert Storm. When the aliens came to destroy Earth, instead of hiding in some underground bunker, hoping things would shake out with mankind on top, Whitmore suited up and lead the charge against the aliens. And we won! So he's fearless and he gets the job done.

CONS: Before entering the Arena, we know of one fist fight that Whitmore was involved with. It was with David Levinson (played by Jeff Goldblum), who survived the fight without any visible scars or loss of limbs. Granted, that was outside of the Arena, so he was bound by local statutes banning aggravated assault and the like. Still, the fact that Levinson didn't flinch being in Whitmore's presence means that he didn't get much of a fight.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Whitmore has a few things going for him here.

1) Age: He's about a quarter-century younger than Jackson.
2) His chest cavity is not full of bullets that rattle around like a bag of marbles, unlike Jackson
We're not saying Jackson was the real-life inspiration for "Operation," but... you never know.
I'd have to say that that last one is a half-blessing, half-curse. Having multiple bullets lodged in one's body doesn't sound all that good for the health. However, if the bullets haven't stopped Jackson yet, what will? Probably not Whitmore.

Tony: True enough, Jackson's age is the real wildcard in the equation that is this fight... or at least, it would be if Jackson wasn't an inhuman rage machine that ran on pure bile. Now, okay, it's possible that Jackson was, in fact, a regular-ish person just like the rest of us, but having looked at Jackson's c.v., I'm, not convinced. I mean, the man survived war, famine, disease, war, poverty, war, duels, war, assassination attempts, war, and being alive in the 1800s.
"Suck it, haters."
I understand that Whitmore's got "surviving aliens" going for him, which is nice, but I don't think he's going to stand much of a chance against Ol' Hickory.

The Chief: Well, it's time for the readers to decide! Who will prevail in our first quarterfinal matchup, Andrew Jackson, or Thomas Whitmore? Vote now!

Jackson vs. Whitmore


5 comments:

  1. These two badasses have a lot in common. They're both war veterans, widowers who took revenge on those they blamed for the deaths of their beloved wives (Witmore killed aliens, Jackson conquered the political opponents who slandered Rachel), and let's not forget, both fighters in this match-up have taken out their fair share of aliens: http://sharpwriter.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3cq0aj

    The only difference I see is that Witmore needs a fighter jet to take out his enemies while all Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson needs is a stick. Did TW ever thwart his own assassin? No. Do we have any record of him fighting anyone but Jeff Goldblum? No. Witmore might be a formidable threat in the cockpit, but Jackson is experienced in more up close and personal forms of combat. He's been fighting his whole life, and I doubt he'd lay down for a pretty-boy like Witmore. Despite AJ's age, I think he'll have no problem dispatching Witmore.

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  2. This is bare-knuckled-brawl to the death, not shoot-a-missile-at-a-target-twenty-miles-away-with-a-thirty-million-dollar-plane-to-the-death.

    That said, with America destroyed, President Whitmore might not get waited on quite so hand-and-foot. He chops a few logs, he's got twenty-five years on Jackson... maybe he pulls it out. But then I think of the psychology of a fight to the death and "inhuman rage machine that ran on pure bile," kind of just feels like the bet to make.

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  3. As someone who nearly dispatched 'Old Hickory," allow me to comment. Thomas, he's a beast of a man. He'll kick your ass six ways to Sunday, or whatever the actual expression is. It's common sense to say, "go for the groin," but Jackson defies common sense. (He may, or may not have actually pissed on Thomas Paine!) No, Jackson's so #BatShitCrazy, he'd cut it off like Dieter Von Cunth from MacGruber just to laugh in your face, and beat you with the now detached wangage. Mr. Whitmore, it was nice knowing you, Will Smith cannot save you now.

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  4. Jackson all the way. Sure, Whitmore fought pretty well against some aliens. But if Jackson had still been President at the time, the aliens would have taken one look at the planet and decided to get the fuck out of there instead of messing with this badass.

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  5. Chancellor of the ExchequerFebruary 23, 2012 at 11:07 AM

    For some reason, this seems to me that this matchup should be most lopsided of the whole tournament so far. Its like when a 12 or 13 seed has pulled off some upsets but then receives its long postponed reckoning at the hands of Kentucky, North Carolina, or Lew Alcindor. I think Bill Pullman's character from Spaceballs would have had a better chance against Jackson. Old Hickory walks into the arena, sees Whitmore, laughs, tells him he doesn't believe in aliens or that the world is round, and proceeds to disembowel him.

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