Monday, February 6, 2012

Roosevelt vs. Lincoln

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience: Probably has the most impressive Arena résumé to date. Having pitched shutouts against both of his previous opponents. He shut out Baxter Harris, then went on to blank Mays Gilliam. Solid.

PROS: Is Teddy Roosevelt, American Badass. Oh, you want more? Fine. Roosevelt was an avid outdoorsman for most of his life. And when we say "outdoorsman," we mean it-- hunting, mountaineering, general expeditioneering, he did it all. Also, during his attempt to run for a third term in office, Roosevelt was shot before delivering a speech. He stayed to finish said speech, and only went to the hospital afterwards. BAD. ASS.

CONS: Teddy's vigor was a way of making up for being hella sick as a child. Could that come back and bite him in the ass? Possibly. Also, Teddy was a man who could fall into a serious funk. Relevant? Eh, maybe.

Abraham Lincoln
16th President of the United States
Served: 1861-1865
Ages Served: 52-56

Arena Experience: Lincoln met with Zachary Taylor in the 1st Round and finished him off with 84.5% of the vote. Moving on to the 2nd Round, he met his own general and close friend, Ulysses S. Grant. Lincoln earned 62.5% of the vote, getting him a ticket to the Round of 16.

PROS: As a boy, Lincoln figured out that the only way out of a life of the poor farmer was some fancy book learnin'. Since he couldn't afford an education, he taught himself. From there, he hoisted himself out of a life of having to survive horse kicks to the head and milk poisoning and into the life of being a lawyer. So, while he's a hard enough worker to pull himself out of a life of manual labor, he's still tough enough to survive milk poisoning and a kick to the head from a horse.

CONS: Lincoln was kind of a one-man failure parade for most of his life. Oh sure, in the beginning of his law career, he quickly became well-respected, and in the last five years of his life, he pulled off an unlikely presidential election win and had a presidency that is still regarded as one of the best in our history. But between that was a series of failed businesses and lost elections. Also, there's evidence that he may have been depressed, even suicidal.

Pre-Game Analysis
Doug: Wow! Talk about an unlucky draw for Lincoln. War hero in the 1st Round. In the 2nd Round? Another war hero. So, he's done with war heroes, right? No. In the Round of 16, he has to face the guy who resigned his cushy job serving under a Cabinet member to become a war hero.

I'm pretty sure if it was a 9-year-old Lincoln facing off against a 9-year-old Roosevelt, Lincoln would mop the floor with the rich asthmatic city boy. However, this is President Roosevelt against President Lincoln.
These two have spent the last several decades just staring at each other.
I'm glad Roosevelt is finally matched up with someone worth fighting. Lincoln's tough, but I don't know if he's tough in a "would be able to handle Roosevelt" sort of way. I can say, with great confidence, that this will be Roosevelt's closest match yet. That's like saying the Madonna Super Bowl Halftime Show was going to be better than the Black Eyed Peas', but not as good as Springsteen's. That's a wide, attainable range.

Tony: Yeah, Lincoln's going to be doing well for himself if he even convinces anyone to vote for him. But as for beating Roosevelt? I'm just not seeing it. Which isn't to say that Roosevelt should be overlooking the ol' Union Splitter, but let's list some facts: TR was a war hero. Lincoln was not. TR was a Nobel laureate. Lincoln? Not so much. TR had the blood of long forgotten gods coursing through his veins. Lincoln? Just had the red stuff.

Okay, so I may have made that last bit up. But then, there's this:
Yes. Oh, yes. Source
I think someone tipped us off to this last time TR was around, but I can't find said tip, so... thanks, anonymous Internet person! And if you need any more proof of TR being amazing, Kate Beaton has your back.

Bottom line? TR may be tested here, but he's gonna sail into the next round.

The Chief: Well, readers... now, it's up to you. Or down to you. One of those, certainly. Whatever, the point is, it's voting time. You know what to do!

Roosevelt vs. Lincoln


  1. Ok, so we know it's the 150th Anniversary of the Civil War these next couple years, but 2012 is also the 100th Anniversary of TR's infamous Bull Moose campaign for the Presidency. That's right, TR was such a badass he gave both major partys a kick in the ass in 1912, allowing Wilson to back into the Oval Office. Best way to look at this fight; an author had to create a fictional account to make Lincoln a badass, TR's actual biography does just fine. TR>Lincoln. #LetTeddyWin! #unnecessaryhashtag

  2. This one's really close, because both are incredibly tough and badass, but there's one thing to consider: Since we're talking about the terms in office, because Roosevelt was an avid boxer, he actually detached a retina and went blind in one eye while in office... that loss of depth perception, and the ease with which he could be blinded totally, make him a vulnerable fighter, especially with someone with the reach of an Abraham Lincoln. I have to give this fight to the Great Emancipator, instead of the Great Get-Shot-In-The-Chest-And-Give-A-Speech-While-Blood-Seeps-Into-Your-Jacket-...-ator

  3. Niki informed me that Roosevelt was not only a rough rider but also rather opportunistic. I argued that Lincon had a just cause on his side.

    We settled on Roosevelt.

  4. We here at the Chancery Court were torn between the Hero of San Juan and the Rail-splitter from Sangamon. Figuring that perhaps Lincoln's wiry frame could help him out against TR, some leaned toward Abe. Then a picture crossed my desk of Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose. I figured the beast let Teddy ride him out out of respect, it was all the proof I needed.

  5. Lincoln was a champion wrestler and was incredibly strong even at death. His doctors marveled at his muscular build. And even at age 56, he could hold an axe straight out by its handle for minutes, never shaking or quivering.

    He would take out TR quite quickly.