What if every president in America's rich history squared off in a no-holds-barred tournament of death? What if, in the interests of expanding the field to an easy-to-handle 64, the presidents were joined by a select group of fictional presidents, all vying for the title of Supreme Commander in Chief? This blog attempts to answer those questions with humor, irreverence, and hopefully without major bloodshed between the two authors.
PROS: Enlisted into the Navy shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor and soon became the youngest naval airman in the history of the force. He was no schlub, either. He earned a few honors, including the Distinguished Flying Cross. Later, he became the Director of the CIA. I may not have a proper grasp of the CIA, but I'd imagine being in the CIA means he knows how to kill s guy quickly and quietly.
CONS: Despite his military service, Bush had a hard time shaking a preppy image that came from graduating from the Phillips Academy and Yale University. As president, he also had a hard time identifying some dangers. He underestimated the problem with the economy and it eventually cost him the Election of 1992.
PROS: Kennedy was a WWII hero who pulled off a series of daring exploits in order to save the lives of his crew (and himself) after his boat was demolished in the South Pacific. He also won a Pulitzer for his post-war academic work, and showed himself to be fairly cool under pressure during the Cuban Missile Crisis, which thanks to said coolness, did not result in the world being reduced to a radioactive cinder.
CONS: Kennedy's body was in horrible shape by the time he made it to the Presidency, and had in fact been in poor shape for a while (the only reason he was in the Navy was because the Army took one look and said "thanks, but no thanks."). Also, Kennedy got a lot of mileage in life out of the connections he inherited from being rich as balls, so there's that.
Doug: I'm putting all of my money on the WWII-vet born from a rich New England family.
No, really folks. I want the voters to take a step back and not get drawn into the glitz and glamour of JFK. Yes, Camelot is way more interesting than Kennebunkport. Jackie Kennedy was graceful, elegant, and beautiful while Barbara Bush, ehh, less so. JFK had oodles of affairs, some still surfacing fifty years later. Bush... well, we'd rather not think about that.
Regardless, we're still going to put images in your head.
This isn't a contest to see who banged hotter babes. The blog isn't called Tail to the Chief... to the Death. The truth is that, even though Bush is two decades older, he's in way better shape the JFK.
Plus which, according to some of the conspiracy theories, the CIA assassinated JFK. So doesn't that kind of mean that Bush had already won this one?
Tony: JFK comes into this matchup in an interesting state. His body is like someone crossed the Millenium Falcon with the starship Enterprise*; looks great on the outside, but everything inside is being held together by various ramshackle methods of dubious quality. And yes, I just mixed franchises on everyone. Deal.
The Enterprise would win, by the by.
On the other hand, JFK dispatched a rather strong opponent in the last round, meaning that he's going to have a chance in every matchup he's thrown into. While it's impressive that Bush made it to this round of the tournament, he doesn't really have a signature win to his credit. He's defeated a couple of Harrisons, and that's it. Eh, I dunno. I could say I'm impressed, but it would be that condescending sort of impressed you get when old people do normal things. Not that surviving in the Arena is normal, per se... but I digress.
I think this one's close, but JFK comes out on top.
*-for this analogy, I will only accept the TOS and TNG versions of the Enterprise; don't even try to bring that prequel bullshit in here