Monday, February 13, 2012

Bush vs. Kennedy

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment
and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence
against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

George H.W. Bush
41st President of the United States
Years Served: 1989-1993
Ages during term: 64-68

Arena Experience: Bush has been in the Arena twice and both times, he had beaten a Harrison with two-thirds of the vote. In the 1st Round, he beat Benjamin Harrison. In the 2nd Round, he met up with Benji's grandfather, William Henry Harrison.

PROS: Enlisted into the Navy shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor and soon became the youngest naval airman in the history of the force. He was no schlub, either. He earned a few honors, including the Distinguished Flying Cross. Later, he became the Director of the CIA. I may not have a proper grasp of the CIA, but I'd imagine being in the CIA means he knows how to kill s guy quickly and quietly.

CONS: Despite his military service, Bush had a hard time shaking a preppy image that came from graduating from the Phillips Academy and Yale University. As president, he also had a hard time identifying some dangers. He underestimated the problem with the economy and it eventually cost him the Election of 1992.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
35th President of the United States
Served: 1961-1963
Ages during term: 44-46

Arena experience: JFK's road to the round of 16 was paved with the blood of fictional presidents. By which we mean, he took down Dave Kovic from Dave with 73.3% of the vote, and then squeaked by Dwayne (interminable series of middle initials) Camacho with 56%.

PROS: Kennedy was a WWII hero who pulled off a series of daring exploits in order to save the lives of his crew (and himself) after his boat was demolished in the South Pacific. He also won a Pulitzer for his post-war academic work, and showed himself to be fairly cool under pressure during the Cuban Missile Crisis, which thanks to said coolness, did not result in the world being reduced to a radioactive cinder.

CONS: Kennedy's body was in horrible shape by the time he made it to the Presidency, and had in fact been in poor shape for a while (the only reason he was in the Navy was because the Army took one look and said "thanks, but no thanks."). Also, Kennedy got a lot of mileage in life out of the connections he inherited from being rich as balls, so there's that. 

Pre-Fight Analysis
Doug: I'm putting all of my money on the WWII-vet born from a rich New England family.

No, really folks. I want the voters to take a step back and not get drawn into the glitz and glamour of JFK. Yes, Camelot is way more interesting than Kennebunkport. Jackie Kennedy was graceful, elegant, and beautiful while Barbara Bush, ehh, less so. JFK had oodles of affairs, some still surfacing fifty years later. Bush... well, we'd rather not think about that.
Regardless,  we're still going to put images in your head.
This isn't a contest to see who banged hotter babes. The blog isn't called Tail to the Chief... to the Death. The truth is that, even though Bush is two decades older, he's in way better shape the JFK.

Plus which, according to some of the conspiracy theories, the CIA assassinated JFK. So doesn't that kind of mean that Bush had already won this one?

Tony: JFK comes into this matchup in an interesting state. His body is like someone crossed the Millenium Falcon with the starship Enterprise*; looks great on the outside, but everything inside is being held together by various ramshackle methods of dubious quality. And yes, I just mixed franchises on everyone. Deal.
The Enterprise would win, by the by.
On the other hand, JFK dispatched a rather strong opponent in the last round, meaning that he's going to have a chance in every matchup he's thrown into. While it's impressive that Bush made it to this round of the tournament, he doesn't really have a signature win to his credit. He's defeated a couple of Harrisons, and that's it. Eh, I dunno. I could say I'm impressed, but it would be that condescending sort of impressed you get when old people do normal things. Not that surviving in the Arena is normal, per se... but I digress.

I think this one's close, but JFK comes out on top.

*-for this analogy, I will only accept the TOS and TNG versions of the Enterprise; don't even try to bring that prequel bullshit in here

Bush vs. Kennedy


  1. Papa Bush puked on the leader of Japan! Many would say that it was disgraceful, but I call that balls. There is no denying that JFK's many affairs were also ballsy, but not in the sense that would serve him well in the arena. All Papa Bush needs to do is dress up like a woman a la Bugs Bunny and get JFK into a compromising position for a takedown. I say GHWB (those initials would never work as his moniker) takes this is a very cross-dressing cakewalk. And speaking of cake...lay off the sweets Barb! JFK will go down faster than that intern's virginity. (Too soon?)

  2. Poppy's taking this one. Honestly, if he wants to fight dirty, he can just ask Kennedy what time it is, and when the drug-addled, moderate, budget-busting, mediocrity who only became a liberal icon because he hadn't stayed president long enough to drown in a pool of civilian blood and Agent Orange, and because he had some kickass brothers, looks at his watch... he will throw his back out.

    JFK is overrated as a president, as a protector of the downtrodden, and as a death-match fighter. George H.W. Bush beats him on all three fronts.

  3. Wait, GHWB was a protector of the downtrodden? I think I missed that. JFK in a rout.