Monday, March 12, 2012

Roosevelt vs. Kennedy

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln

PROS: Theodore Roosevelt took exactly zero shit from anyone, including his own body, which he worked into peak condition after a frail childhood. He was hella manly, and he was one of the youngest presidents ever. Also, there was the time he got shot before a speech, proceeded to give said speech, and did not go to the hospital until said speech was concluded.

CONS: Roosevelt could get into funks like few before him and few since. Also, his physical condition was built upon a body that seemingly could not actually sustain it, which is not what you want when fighting for one's life. Also, as a commenter pointed out in his last time around, Roosevelt had a penchant for getting his retina detached during boxing matches. Hmmm.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
35th President of the United States
Served: 1961-1963
Ages during term: 44-46

Arena Experience
1st Round: 73% of 15 votes against Dave Kovic
2nd Round: 56% of 25 votes against Dwayne E.M.D.H. Camacho
3rd Round: 53% of 30 votes against George H.W. Bush

PROS: While serving in the Navy during World War II, when JFK's ship sank, he swam for hours in shark-infested waters while towing an injured crew member by his life jacket with his teeth. If that's not a clear enough sign of him being able to handle pressure, he got us through the Cuban Missile Crisis. And to show that he's well-rounded, he also picked up a Pulitzer Prize.

CONS: By the time he made it to the White House, JFK was suffering from a number of ailments, including Addison's Disease and chronic back pain. His body was pretty much ready to self-destruct, so it's safe to assume his "towing someone with his teeth" days were far behind him.

Pre-fight Analysis
Doug: What is JFK still doing here? He beat someone who was his age but was in perfect health, a five-time "Ultimate Smackdown Champion," and a guy who enjoyed jumping out of planes so much, he did it well into his 80s. How is any of this even possible? The man was no slouch, but he was in terrible shape.

Is he getting votes because he had mistresses? That shouldn't be the basis for advancing in the Arena. If it was, then Warren G. Harding should have gotten past the 1st Round.

One would think that this week will be all Roosevelt -- it should be -- but who knows?

Interesting thing that we should remember about Roosevelt's detached retina. Roosevelt challenged that other guy to the boxing match while he was president. It's almost as if this Arena was built for him.

Tony: Roosevelt is going to come into this fight confident, but not too confident. He's had a relatively easy go of it so far, of course, up to last round, but when he spies his opponent, he's going to know he'll have to bring his best stuff. After all, JFK and Teddy Roosevelt aren't too dissimilar in age. Granted, Roosevelt won't have any way of knowing that JFK isn't in as prime condition as he might appear.

So they're probably going to circle each other, warily, until one of them makes the first move. After that, it's going to be all Roosevelt. Which is sad, because I can imagine the two of them getting along very well, in a weird sort of way. Bully for them both! But mostly for Roosevelt.

The Chief: Bully, indeed. Voters, it's time to have your say! Which of these two illustrious Presidents will move on to the Rushmore Four? You've got until 9 a.m., MDT, to vote. We'll be back Wednesday!

Roosevelt vs. Kennedy


  1. Inept Arena security directorMarch 12, 2012 at 10:07 AM

    The question is not, "Will Teddy Roosevelt win?" The question is, "Will Teddy Roosevelt win with enough energy left over to engage in a follow-up bout with Teddy Kennedy in the parking lot?" Sweet Jesus, let it come to fruition.

  2. OH MY GOD THE BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE. (In the impossible event that this ends a tie, this is obviously tally for Teddy.)

  3. And obligatory: