Hail to the Chief... to the Death Champion

In December 2010, we discussed some debate taking place somewhere in the ever-reaching expanses of the Internet about which U.S. President would do best in a free-for-all brawl. Days later, we decided to take it upon ourselves to figure this out once and for all and open this question up to the people. Only instead of a free-for-all, they would be organized into a bracket. And since there had been 43 presidents (44, if you count Cleveland twice), which was too many for 32, but not enough for 64... so fictional presidents were added.

We decided to "inaugurate" the blog on January 20, 2011, with the first fight starting Jan. 24. With one fight a week for 64 weeks (because they'd be curious about who would get 3rd place), we would get their answer on the seemingly distant date of April 13, 2012.

Well, now it's April 13, 2012.

And we here at the HttCttD Offices can't help but be overcome with a general anticlimatic feeling.

Jackson vs. Obama

Andrew Jackson	21 (39.2%)
Barack Obama	37 (61.8%)

Despite the odd feeling that comes with something we devoted a lot of time to is finally being over, we have to admit that we're surprised by the outcome. Neither of us thought Obama had a chance to get past the Quarterfinals, but as we noted before, it probably would have been boring if things turned out exactly as we had planned.

So no, you can't win with us.

It wasn't even close, either. Obama grabbed onto that lead Monday morning and never let go. Jackson may have tightened the gap a bit at some point, but not enough for it to count for anything.

The commentariat was decidedly pro-Obama as well.

We really can't argue with that kind of logic. Jackson may have been just filled the brim with blind fury, but once that fire went out, there was the young Obama who works out every day, waiting to counter-attack.

And in the end, there will be people in third world nations wearing this shirt:

And Doug is unsure how long he'll have the Big Effin' White Board (BEWB) hanging on his wall:

The new apartment gets nowhere near the same amount of natural light as last year's.

Now that the BEWB is complete, what now for the boys of HttCttD?

Oooh. A Doug vs. Tony fight? Give the fight promoters a taste of their own medicine and whisk them away to the Arena to entertain the presidents and the masses alike. How would they like that?

Doug: I wouldn't like that at all. I'm not, what they call, a fighter. Against Tony? I don't know. I grew up with a brother who was seven years older, and one thing I learned is how to defend myself against someone bigger. Tony's not bigger than me, but I seem to remember him saying he has a black belt in something, though I can't remember what. Also that was a while ago, so it may have turned into a gray belt at this point (HEY-O!).

All that being said, a good general gambling tip is never to bet on me to win a physical fight.

Tony: Well, I think it's pretty obvious that Doug would start such a fight out with some form of nut shot. So, I would have to counter that, somehow. Other than that? Eh... well, Doug's got some lank going for him, so he might have an advantage on reach, but... oh, right. My black belt. In Tae Kwon-Do, thankyouverymuch. Yeah, I'm not afraid to say that I'm pretty sure I could take Doug in a fight.

The Chief: Since we're closing up shop, we thought we'd award the Comment of the Entire Blog Award. For this one, we have to go back a little over a year to the Clash of the Clevelands. In the Wednesday post that week, we compared the numbers 22 and 24. Apparently, the video for Jem's 24 led Tony J to some sort of Internet trap. While his mind seemed to have taken him to some weird places, he did emerge with the that week's winner AND the Comment of the Entire Blog.

How did a comment that didn't win Comment of the Week end up winning Comment of the Entire Blog? Well, that's like asking how the St. Louis Cardinals managed to win the World Series without winning their division: Shut up. That's how.

So now that we're done, what did the HttCttD. Do our main staffers have any final thoughts?


Doug: Well, that was fun, though frustrating at times. I'm glad we were able to "edutain," assuming we actually were able to educate and entertain people out there.

Given the outcome some of these weeks, I'd have to say that it's a bit ironic that a forum where people voted for presidents almost made me question the tenet of democracy that allows just anyone to vote.

I'm also especially glad that no still-living presidents died in the past 15 month. It would have been especially bad if they died during the week they were fighting. I could just imagine some 24-hour news channel (which one would depend on which party the president was) picking up the story and speculating that we had anything to do with it. Although that probably would have led to more hits, which wouldn't have been terrible.

Tony: Yeah, to be honest, I kept waiting for a call from the Secret Service, to the tune of "WTF is this, then?" Thankfully, we stayed under the radar enough that that didn't happen, even though we picked up some Obama campaign staffers as Twitter followers. Also, some of the people who RT'd us had followers all over Washington. So, we got a little bit lucky, is what I'm saying.

Also: for the record? The fact that Marshall lost in the first round is, and forever will be, bullshit. I mean, FDR beating anyone is bullshit, but... I digress.

It was a hell of a ride, and despite our readers occasionally having strange opinions, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Except for the Marshall thing.

The Chief: Thanks again for reading. Join us next week when Vice President John Nance Garner takes on Vice President Selena Meyer, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the upcoming HBO series Veep, as we explore which vice president would make the ultimate fighter.

No, we're kidding. That's not happening.

For those of you wondering what Doug and Tony will be up to, well, they're probably the first to tell you that they're not sure, yet. But no matter what happens, they will probably pimp it on the HttCttD twitter feed, not to mention their own twitter feeds, so check those out if you're desperate for more of their ridiculous.

Thanks for reading!

Jackson vs. Obama

Of course by this point, you should have figured out that:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore
5th Round: 54% of 50 votes against George Washington

PROS: At this point, Jackson has to be recognized as the Ultimate Presidential Survivor. His early life was filled with war, famine, disease, imprisonment, and all manner of nastiness, and he survived. His adulthood was filled with more war, more disease, and added in some assassination attempts and duels, to boot. And still, he survived to become a juggernaut in the Arena. Add to that the fact that he was, to put it mildly, an ornery old cuss, and you have a man one bout away from being hailed as the Ultimate Commander in Chief.

CONS: Jackson was 62 when he made it to the presidency. That's kinda old! And again, he lived a hard life, so while he may have been 62, his Real Age was probably already into his 80s. That's not something you should discount so easily, especially when he's facing a relatively young, fit opponent.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.5% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson
2nd Round: 76.5% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson
3rd Round: 76.2% of 21 votes against David Palmer
4th Round: 53.9% of 701 votes against Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
5th Round: 55.1% of 69 votes against Theodore Roosevelt

PROS: Obama is a young guy who is in fantastic shape. He's athletic and although he doesn't have much mass to him, he's wiry. One probably doesn't think of "ultimate fighter" when one thinks of Obama, but someone recently has reminded us that he was a community organizer in the South Side of Chicago, which means, at the very least, he commanded a bunch of respect with the toughies.

CONS: We'd like to assume that he commanded respect by literally knocking heads together, but that's not likely. If FOX News was making a big deal about the fact that Obama hugged a "radical" law professor over 20 years ago, we'd be hearing about the time he beat up some neighborhood punks. The truth of the matter is that nothing has seemed to get Obama's ire up. Given his opponent this time around, rage-level may play a key role in this fight.

Pre-Game Analysis
Tony: If there's been one thing propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, it's probably been spite. Spite and fury. Wait, that's two things. If there's been two things propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, they've probably been spite and fury. Yeah. What's impressive about that is that Jackson has come this far with a big target on his back. He was the title fighter of the Jackson Bracket, after all, and that number one seed comes with expectations. Jackson never caved to the pressure. He rode his badassery all the way to this final confrontation.

And now? Now, he smells blood. He's carved through all manner of presidential fodder on his way here, up to and including the Father of our Freaking Country. Now, he faces a guy who can't get mad? Please. All you have to do to get Jackson mad is flash a $20-bill at him. "That portrait of me is abhorrent!" Jackson says, when confronted with such a denomination. "Also, what is this Federal Reserve nonsense?" And in a flurry of fists, the poor sap showing Jackson the bill is reduced to a fine red mist.

So yeah, you think Jackson is vulnerable here? I wouldn't bet on it.

Doug: Both of these guys are slim dudes, both standing at 6'1". That's probably the only thing these two have in common. Obama's cool, calm and collected while Jackson was so filled with rage that I'd imagine bile occasionally just shot out of his pores. Say what you will about cool vs. angry, both landed them into the Championship.

Obama's the Cinderella story here. He was destined to go far in this tournament, but the last few rounds have been rather surprising. After beating the indestructible guy who fell out of an airplane in his 80s and the guy who survived two out of three assassination attempts, he went on to defeat the guy who averaged receiving 233 votes per fight and then sent Theodore Roosevelt packing. You may be saying, "Yeah, but this is Andrew Jackson." Let me remind you: Teddy Roosevelt!

If anyone could silence Old Hickory, it's going to be someone much younger and in much better shape. With the exception of Thomas Whitmore, Jackson hasn't really encountered that in the Arena. Obama could be the guy to finish Jackson off.

The Chief: And with that, let us begin our final fight. Who is the ultimate winner in Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH's Presidential Gladiatorial Arena? Let us know who you think would win this week's fight. Vote and leave a comment. Polls close 9am Mountain Time on Friday.

Jackson vs. Obama

Roosevelt Earns His Medal

Our voters gave Theodore Roosevelt the bronze treatment.

Rising from his Semifinal defeat, he struck back to take third place.

Washington vs. Roosevelt

George Washington	13 (44.8%)
Theodore Roosevelt	16 (55.2%)

I guess this makes George Washington the only combatant to lose twice. Wow, voters. Why do you hate America? (NOTE: Don't feel bad, I could have said that about most of these guys in the bracket and you possibly would have felt a little guilty... unless you actually did hate America.)

Of course, it seemed that some voters automatically gave it to Roosevelt because they couldn't believe that he lost to Obama in the Semifinals.

A thanks to Brett who, in the same comment, poked a few holes in our reality AND answered his own question.

We suppose another question would be how we managed to off still-living presidents without anyone finding out. That being said, we're really glad that no one has misconstrued this blog as us wanting to off still-living presidents. We've made it abundantly clear, but people have a tendency to be idiotic.

Speaking of still-living president, our current president, Barack Obama, remains very much alive in the HttCttD universe and will be fighting the very much dead since 1845 (but still alive in the Arena) Andrew Jackson next week.

Jackson and Obama will fight in hopes of being crowned Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH Champion!

Washington vs. Roosevelt

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round:  92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.7% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland (24)
3rd Round: 95.24% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren
4th Round: 67.86% of 28 votes against Jack Ryan
5th Round: 46% of 50 votes against Andrew Jackson

PROS: He's a really tall fighter who commanded an underfed army against a superpower. Then came out of retirement to help whip up the Constitution and to become the nation's first president. The dude doesn't know when to quit, so he doesn't.

CONS: His military record wasn't as amazing as we'd like to think.

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln
4th Round: 88.6% of 44 votes against John F. Kennedy
5th Round: 44.9% of 69 votes against Barack Obama

PROS: A spectacular physical and mental specimen, Theodore Roosevelt is the epitome of badassery. Or, well... he should be. And now, you know he's pissed.

CONS: Had a tendency to sulk like you wouldn't believe, and given that he lost last week, he might be in one of those sulks for this contest.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Washington came pretty close to winning his last fight, but it wasn't his first lost battle. As mentioned earlier, he had been defeated a few times during the Revolutionary War. The guy knows how to get back up, dust himself off, and get back fighting. If he wasn't able to do that, we'd have Elizabeth II on all of our money today.

If Washington can strike back and get Cornwallis and the British Empire to surrender, he could take care of Teddy Roosevelt. It won't be pretty, but he'll get the job done.

Tony: Oh, Teddy. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. How did you end up here? You were the chosen one! By me, anyway. I probably wasn't the only one, though. Sigh.

Look, TR is a man who can overcome all manner of obstacles. For example, he spent the first ten or so years of his life in a constant battle with his own body. He eventually won that battle, and went on to become the rootin'-tootin' presidential berserker we know and love. My point here is, he's not going to let his defeat in the last match slow him down. No, instead he's going to give George Washington the full Big Stick treatment*, then when he steps onto the third place podium at the HttCttD awards banquet**, he's going to turn to the man standing next to him, and start throwing haymakers. It isn't going to be pretty, but it's going to be damn amusing.

The Chief: Well, there you have it folks. Come Friday, one of these two will have done something that only one other Arena combatant can claim: win in his final match. But which one? We'll find out...

*- Not a sexual euphemism. I think.
**- I may have just made this event up.

Washington vs. Roosevelt

Obamacare Sends Roosevelt to the Death Panel

We have to admit that we thought Teddy Roosevelt was a shoe-in for the HttCttD Championship. Even as late as early this week.

But Barack Obama closed the gap midweek and pulled ahead in the final day of voting, earning him a spot for the final match.

Obama vs. Roosevelt

Barack Obama	38 (55.1%)
Theodore Roosevelt	31 (44.9%)

Obama is the second fighter to get double-digit votes against Roosevelt, which leads us to believe that Teddy's weakness could be politicians from Illinois.

As we stated, we thought Roosevelt was going to the end. In the past two weeks, we've revealed our personal picks for the entire tournament, and Roosevelt was the one thing we could agree on in the finals.

Are we surprised that he didn't make it after all? Of course.

Are we upset? Well, that sound you hear is Tony rocking back in forth in the corner, curled up in the fetal position as both of his finalists have gone down. But hey, if we had gone through all of this trouble of maintaining this blog for 62 weeks only to have things turn out exactly as we had planned, that would have been kind of boring. So it's kind of nice that we're getting a surprising finale.

That being said, we're still glad it's not Bartlet.

That's something we didn't even consider. Teddy may have been rugged, but he was a fancy pants born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Obama came from the South Side. He looks cool calm and collected, but maybe he's probably got some inner-agitation just waiting to get out. He could step into the Arena, see Roosevelt on the other end and bust out his best Tim Meadows from Mean Girls.

"Hell, no! I did not leave the South Side for this!"

The rest would be HttCttD history!

Obama will meet Andrew Jackson for the HttCttD Championship April 9. Join us next week when Roosevelt takes on George Washington for the battle for 3rd Place.

Obama vs. Roosevelt

It should be noted:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.48% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson
2nd Round: 76.47% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson
3rd Round: 76.19% of 21 votes against David Palmer
4th Round: 53.88% of 701 votes against Josiah "Jed" Bartlet

PROS: He's young, athletic and in great shape. He's got smarts and he's a cool customer. He also doesn't back down from a challenge, even if he is an underdog.

CONS: He maybe has a tendency to be too thoughtful. This is a good thing when you're in the Oval Office, trying to come up with a way to revamp the nation's health care system. It's not so good in the Arena.

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
Served: 1901-1909
Ages during term: 42-50

Arena Experience
1st Round: 100% of 19 votes against Baxter Harris
2nd Round: 100% of 21 votes against Mays Gilliam
3rd Round: 73% of 37 votes against Abraham Lincoln
4th Round: 88.6% of 44 votes against John F. Kennedy

PROS: Was an avid adventurer and all around physical specimen. Survived an assassination attempt in spectacular fashion. Was Teddy Effing Roosevelt.

CONS: Physical fitness was mostly a ruse to cover up being physically dubious. Boxing matches while president had a tendency to leave him slightly blinded.


Pre-Fight Analysis
Doug: Roosevelt's going to be a tough one for Obama. While Obama is quite athletic and keep good care of his body, Roosevelt is, well, Roosevelt. He stormed San Juan Hill. He hung out in the Badlands. He hunted big game. And yes, he once gave a speech, despite the fact that he had just been shot in the chest.

Being a Chicago politician, Obama is prone to the occasional voter irregularity in the Arena...

In case you don't feel like scrolling up a bit.

... I believe that this was more of an anti-Bartlet movement and less of a pro-Obama movement.

So, although Obama has plenty going for him, this is going to be Roosevelt's show.


Tony: By now, everyone knows that TR was my choice to win the entire tournament. So, I obviously have a little skin in this game. But man, this is gonna be a tough one for ol' Ted. He's been holding his own against some tough competition, but Barack Obama is definitely the toughest opponent he's faced to this point. Like JFK, Obama is relatively young. However, unlike JFK, Obama is physically sound. Will that be enough to make a difference?

Well, considering the last time Theodore Roosevelt faced a young and able competitor, he won with 73% of the vote, I don't think Obama is going to fare much better. It's gonna be tough, but TR will make it through to the championship. Obama's consolation will be a third-place matchup, and an education into how a true Progressive fights. Roosevelt for the win!

The Chief: I'm sure, at this point, you understand the concept of Semifinals; the winner of this match goes on to the Championships. So make it count. Be heard! Vote and comment. Voting closes Friday at 9am Mountain Time.

Obama vs. Roosevelt

Two Generals Walk Into The Presidential Gladiatorial Arena...

George Washington may have won our independence from Britain, but Andrew Jackson won a spot in the HttCttD Championship.

As expected, it was the closest match either of them had been in, and it's not going to get any easier from here.

Jackson vs. Washington

Andrew Jackson	27 (54.0%)
George Washington	23 (46.0%)

Though the voting numbers were slightly in Jackson's favor, our commentariat was leaned towards Washington heading to the Championship.

Good point. Washington took 100% of the electoral vote. Twice! Even James Madison, who ran unopposed in 1820, couldn't even manage that.

Though Washington was defeated, he will return to the Arena April 2 and attempt to gain the 3rd Place spot.
Jackson will return April 9 for the HttCttD Championship.
Join us next week when Barack Obama and Theodore Roosevelt vie for the chance to go up against Jackson for our final fight.

Jackson vs. Washington

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore

PROS: Jackson's entire life was spent getting kicked in the teeth in various ways. He not only overcame all that adversity, he thrived off of it. And we are once again obligated to mention the whole Richard Lawrence assassination attempt thing, which... seriously.

CONS: Jackson was not exactly a spring chicken by the time he made it to the presidency... but that's about all we've got. Oh, except also, there was the genocide. Don't want to overlook the genocide.

George Washington
1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797
Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience
1st Round:  92.5% of 40 votes against Mike Brady
2nd Round: 93.7% of 16 votes against Grover Cleveland (24)
Round of 16: 95.24% of 21 votes against Martin Van Buren
Quarterfinals: 67.86% of 28 votes against Jack Ryan

PROS: Washington took a ragtag army with very little supplies and took on one of the biggest superpowers. And he freakin' won! He also knew how to fight and box as well. So he has the tactics, the ability and the physical stature of a fighter.

CONS: Though he led the colonies to the win, it was a pretty sloppy victory. Like imagine a quarterback throwing four interceptions, but winning anyway. Only instead of football, it's a war where the general almost got himself captured and where New York City fell under British control.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: Hoo boy, this is a tough one. But I'm definitely going to have to go with the experienced general who is a Pisces.

Ha! See what I did there? It's funny because they're both... okay, I'll move on.

Both of these guys are ready to fight, but I'm guessing Jackson will go the "flailing wildly while blind with anger" route where Washington would be a bit calmer. Not to say that Jackson's style wouldn't do any damage, but it would probably tire him eventually. So while this kind of fighting worked fine against the likes of William H. Taft or even Thomas J. Whitmore, it may not work as well against Washington, who doesn't know how to give up.

Washington's been in the shit. He froze his ass off in Valley Forge while his soldiers were dropping like flies around him. He knows how to turn things around and end up on top. Washington will be a bloody mess, but just when Jackson thinks he's in the homestretch, that's when George comes alive and brings the pain onto the fatigued Jackson.

Tony: Here's a practical question: when has Jackson's blind-rage bezerking ever failed him? Oh, how about never. On the other hand, George Washington has a career fighting record that is distinctly less than 100%. What's up with that?

Here's the thing, though: Jackson wasn't just a wrecking ball filled with bile, he also represented a new wave of American politician, one that valued the "common man" over the elites favored by Jeffersonian Democracy. Now, obviously, you could rightly argue that the man who best represents the values of Jeffersonian Democracy was... Thomas Jefferson. He's obviously not in the picture at the moment. But, I'm guessing George Washington would make for a pretty good stand in. Thus, this fight isn't between two of America's great leaders, but a battle for the future of the country itself. A battle for the soul of Democracy. With those stakes, Jackson isn't going to back down easily.

Besides, Washington isn't going to be able to bottle Jackson up at Yorktown and hope that he gives up before hurricane season. Jackson's going to send Washington to the great Mount Vernon in the sky.

Does Sky Mount Vernon have slavery?

Jackson vs. Washington