Hail to the Chief... to the Death Champion

In December 2010, we discussed some debate taking place somewhere in the ever-reaching expanses of the Internet about which U.S. President would do best in a free-for-all brawl. Days later, we decided to take it upon ourselves to figure this out once and for all and open this question up to the people. Only instead of a free-for-all, they would be organized into a bracket. And since there had been 43 presidents (44, if you count Cleveland twice), which was too many for 32, but not enough for 64... so fictional presidents were added.

We decided to "inaugurate" the blog on January 20, 2011, with the first fight starting Jan. 24. With one fight a week for 64 weeks (because they'd be curious about who would get 3rd place), we would get their answer on the seemingly distant date of April 13, 2012.

Well, now it's April 13, 2012.

And we here at the HttCttD Offices can't help but be overcome with a general anticlimatic feeling.

Jackson vs. Obama

Andrew Jackson	21 (39.2%)
Barack Obama	37 (61.8%)

Despite the odd feeling that comes with something we devoted a lot of time to is finally being over, we have to admit that we're surprised by the outcome. Neither of us thought Obama had a chance to get past the Quarterfinals, but as we noted before, it probably would have been boring if things turned out exactly as we had planned.

So no, you can't win with us.

It wasn't even close, either. Obama grabbed onto that lead Monday morning and never let go. Jackson may have tightened the gap a bit at some point, but not enough for it to count for anything.

The commentariat was decidedly pro-Obama as well.

We really can't argue with that kind of logic. Jackson may have been just filled the brim with blind fury, but once that fire went out, there was the young Obama who works out every day, waiting to counter-attack.

And in the end, there will be people in third world nations wearing this shirt:

And Doug is unsure how long he'll have the Big Effin' White Board (BEWB) hanging on his wall:

The new apartment gets nowhere near the same amount of natural light as last year's.

Now that the BEWB is complete, what now for the boys of HttCttD?

Oooh. A Doug vs. Tony fight? Give the fight promoters a taste of their own medicine and whisk them away to the Arena to entertain the presidents and the masses alike. How would they like that?

Doug: I wouldn't like that at all. I'm not, what they call, a fighter. Against Tony? I don't know. I grew up with a brother who was seven years older, and one thing I learned is how to defend myself against someone bigger. Tony's not bigger than me, but I seem to remember him saying he has a black belt in something, though I can't remember what. Also that was a while ago, so it may have turned into a gray belt at this point (HEY-O!).

All that being said, a good general gambling tip is never to bet on me to win a physical fight.

Tony: Well, I think it's pretty obvious that Doug would start such a fight out with some form of nut shot. So, I would have to counter that, somehow. Other than that? Eh... well, Doug's got some lank going for him, so he might have an advantage on reach, but... oh, right. My black belt. In Tae Kwon-Do, thankyouverymuch. Yeah, I'm not afraid to say that I'm pretty sure I could take Doug in a fight.

The Chief: Since we're closing up shop, we thought we'd award the Comment of the Entire Blog Award. For this one, we have to go back a little over a year to the Clash of the Clevelands. In the Wednesday post that week, we compared the numbers 22 and 24. Apparently, the video for Jem's 24 led Tony J to some sort of Internet trap. While his mind seemed to have taken him to some weird places, he did emerge with the that week's winner AND the Comment of the Entire Blog.

How did a comment that didn't win Comment of the Week end up winning Comment of the Entire Blog? Well, that's like asking how the St. Louis Cardinals managed to win the World Series without winning their division: Shut up. That's how.

So now that we're done, what did the HttCttD. Do our main staffers have any final thoughts?


Doug: Well, that was fun, though frustrating at times. I'm glad we were able to "edutain," assuming we actually were able to educate and entertain people out there.

Given the outcome some of these weeks, I'd have to say that it's a bit ironic that a forum where people voted for presidents almost made me question the tenet of democracy that allows just anyone to vote.

I'm also especially glad that no still-living presidents died in the past 15 month. It would have been especially bad if they died during the week they were fighting. I could just imagine some 24-hour news channel (which one would depend on which party the president was) picking up the story and speculating that we had anything to do with it. Although that probably would have led to more hits, which wouldn't have been terrible.

Tony: Yeah, to be honest, I kept waiting for a call from the Secret Service, to the tune of "WTF is this, then?" Thankfully, we stayed under the radar enough that that didn't happen, even though we picked up some Obama campaign staffers as Twitter followers. Also, some of the people who RT'd us had followers all over Washington. So, we got a little bit lucky, is what I'm saying.

Also: for the record? The fact that Marshall lost in the first round is, and forever will be, bullshit. I mean, FDR beating anyone is bullshit, but... I digress.

It was a hell of a ride, and despite our readers occasionally having strange opinions, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Except for the Marshall thing.

The Chief: Thanks again for reading. Join us next week when Vice President John Nance Garner takes on Vice President Selena Meyer, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the upcoming HBO series Veep, as we explore which vice president would make the ultimate fighter.

No, we're kidding. That's not happening.

For those of you wondering what Doug and Tony will be up to, well, they're probably the first to tell you that they're not sure, yet. But no matter what happens, they will probably pimp it on the HttCttD twitter feed, not to mention their own twitter feeds, so check those out if you're desperate for more of their ridiculous.

Thanks for reading!

Jackson vs. Obama

Of course by this point, you should have figured out that:

We here at Hail to the Chief... to the Death intend that this blog be for entertainment

and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence

against any president: former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience
1st Round: 86.8% of 38 votes against William Howard Taft
2nd Round: 94.7% of 19 votes against James Dale
3rd Round: 57.5% of 40 votes against Dwight D. Eisenhower
4th Round: 69% of 29 votes against Thomas Whitmore
5th Round: 54% of 50 votes against George Washington

PROS: At this point, Jackson has to be recognized as the Ultimate Presidential Survivor. His early life was filled with war, famine, disease, imprisonment, and all manner of nastiness, and he survived. His adulthood was filled with more war, more disease, and added in some assassination attempts and duels, to boot. And still, he survived to become a juggernaut in the Arena. Add to that the fact that he was, to put it mildly, an ornery old cuss, and you have a man one bout away from being hailed as the Ultimate Commander in Chief.

CONS: Jackson was 62 when he made it to the presidency. That's kinda old! And again, he lived a hard life, so while he may have been 62, his Real Age was probably already into his 80s. That's not something you should discount so easily, especially when he's facing a relatively young, fit opponent.

Barack Obama
44th President of the United States
Serving: 2009-Present
Age in office: 47-49

Arena Experience:
1st Round: 90.5% of 21 votes against Andrew Johnson
2nd Round: 76.5% of 17 votes against Thomas "Tug" Benson
3rd Round: 76.2% of 21 votes against David Palmer
4th Round: 53.9% of 701 votes against Josiah "Jed" Bartlet
5th Round: 55.1% of 69 votes against Theodore Roosevelt

PROS: Obama is a young guy who is in fantastic shape. He's athletic and although he doesn't have much mass to him, he's wiry. One probably doesn't think of "ultimate fighter" when one thinks of Obama, but someone recently has reminded us that he was a community organizer in the South Side of Chicago, which means, at the very least, he commanded a bunch of respect with the toughies.

CONS: We'd like to assume that he commanded respect by literally knocking heads together, but that's not likely. If FOX News was making a big deal about the fact that Obama hugged a "radical" law professor over 20 years ago, we'd be hearing about the time he beat up some neighborhood punks. The truth of the matter is that nothing has seemed to get Obama's ire up. Given his opponent this time around, rage-level may play a key role in this fight.

Pre-Game Analysis
Tony: If there's been one thing propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, it's probably been spite. Spite and fury. Wait, that's two things. If there's been two things propelling Jackson through the rounds of this tournament, they've probably been spite and fury. Yeah. What's impressive about that is that Jackson has come this far with a big target on his back. He was the title fighter of the Jackson Bracket, after all, and that number one seed comes with expectations. Jackson never caved to the pressure. He rode his badassery all the way to this final confrontation.

And now? Now, he smells blood. He's carved through all manner of presidential fodder on his way here, up to and including the Father of our Freaking Country. Now, he faces a guy who can't get mad? Please. All you have to do to get Jackson mad is flash a $20-bill at him. "That portrait of me is abhorrent!" Jackson says, when confronted with such a denomination. "Also, what is this Federal Reserve nonsense?" And in a flurry of fists, the poor sap showing Jackson the bill is reduced to a fine red mist.

So yeah, you think Jackson is vulnerable here? I wouldn't bet on it.

Doug: Both of these guys are slim dudes, both standing at 6'1". That's probably the only thing these two have in common. Obama's cool, calm and collected while Jackson was so filled with rage that I'd imagine bile occasionally just shot out of his pores. Say what you will about cool vs. angry, both landed them into the Championship.

Obama's the Cinderella story here. He was destined to go far in this tournament, but the last few rounds have been rather surprising. After beating the indestructible guy who fell out of an airplane in his 80s and the guy who survived two out of three assassination attempts, he went on to defeat the guy who averaged receiving 233 votes per fight and then sent Theodore Roosevelt packing. You may be saying, "Yeah, but this is Andrew Jackson." Let me remind you: Teddy Roosevelt!

If anyone could silence Old Hickory, it's going to be someone much younger and in much better shape. With the exception of Thomas Whitmore, Jackson hasn't really encountered that in the Arena. Obama could be the guy to finish Jackson off.

The Chief: And with that, let us begin our final fight. Who is the ultimate winner in Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH's Presidential Gladiatorial Arena? Let us know who you think would win this week's fight. Vote and leave a comment. Polls close 9am Mountain Time on Friday.

Jackson vs. Obama