Get Tafted!

Last Christmas, one of the best gifts I got was a shirt that had William H. Taft's face on it and reads "I've been Tafted!" It's a bit of an inside joke. A few months ago, my friends came up with the idea of substituting profanities the word "Taft." (ex: "Get the Taft out of here.")

On a whim, a friend looked up "Tafted" in Urban Dictionary — a seemingly unmoderated site where contributors define slang terms. She found that not only was it in there, it's a somewhat intelligent definition, too, which is odd for that site.

I am in full support of this definition.

EXCEPT

He served as the head of the executive and judicial branches, but never served in the legislative branch. Robert Taft was senator for 14 years, but Robert's dad, William, was never in Congress or even in any state legislature.

It's a shame, really. Because had he served in all three branches in government, his name would be the perfect for getting screwed over in three different ways.

And really, by Urban Dictionary standards, this is a pretty intelligent entry. For starters, it references a former president — one who 1) hasn't served in the past 30 years and thereby isn't in the collective consciousness of your average Urban Dictionary contributor and 2) isn't Washington or Lincoln.

So what if it's not accurate? This person tried to write a good entry named after a lesser-known president.

I'm going to try my hand at this:

Taylor — v. — to exhume someone's remains long after they died because someone has a theory that there was foul play in that person's death, only to find out that that theory is most likely wrong. Named after the 1991 exhumation of Zachary Taylor.

In Jesus Is Magic, Sarah Silverman jokes about Tayloring her nana.

Arthurs — n. — a set of sweet muttonchops. Named after Chester A. Arthur's interesting facial hair.

I really dig the Arthurs you have growing in, but you're an ironic T-shirt and a fixed-gear bike away from me really hating you.

Pierce Promise — n. — a proclamation to get drunk. Named after Franklin Pierce's reported quip after leaving office in 1857: "There's nothing left to do but get drunk."

I realize it's only 11 a.m., but I'm having a rough day, so I'm putting in my Pierce Promise.

McKinley Journey — adj. — a trip or vacation, usually to Buffalo, N.Y., that ends horribly.

How was your time off?
Oh, it was terrible. They lost our luggage and we missed our connecting flight. It was an utter McKinley Journey.

Interestingly enough, while searching for real Urban Dictionary entries that involve presidents, I came across the term "Fillmore Fudgepop." The definition itself is upsettingly disgusting and involves freezing feces to be later be used as a sexual aide. However, I mention it here because the contributor threw in "Named after the thirteenth president, Millard Fillmore, member of the whig party," into the definition.

There's no explanation as to why that would be named after Fillmore, but I mention it here because the guy — I can only assume it was a male — made sure to include it in the definition.

As far as I know, Millard Fillmore never engaged in this behavior. It's possible I was out sick that day Fillmore was covered in my Sexual Kinks of the American Presidency class.

The poll for the Jackson vs. Taft fight is still open and will be until Friday morning. If you haven't already, go to the previous post and vote.