Portrayed by Terry Crews
Age Served: Crews was 38 when Idiocracy was released
PROS: Fighting champion — Camacho is a five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion. That’s not a thing that exists now, but using deductive reasoning, it’s probably fair to say that to become a champion of the Ultimate Smackdown, you have to be pretty good at fighting. At the very least, be proficient at administering — as well as defending yourself against — smackdowns. And he’s the five-time champion, which means it wasn’t a fluke win. To put this in Wimbledon terms, this would make Camacho a Björn Borg, not a Richard Krajicek.
|1996: The Wimbledon where every seeded player completely choked.|
True. That could have been two decades prior. Maybe he’s really let himself go since then. But, no. He’s still a bad ass. You can just ask the rehabilitation officer named Burrito Supreme (just don’t ask me to explain that previous sentence).
Fearless — For what seems like the entire movie, Camacho is flanked by a gaggle of ladies. Even when he’s at the Rehabilitation Arena, he’s sitting in the crowd with what seems to be absolutely no security detail.
Maybe he’s fortunate to be living in a time when people are too dumb to formulate assassination plots. Or maybe he knows no one would dare come at him.
CONS: Product of his time — Camacho is president at a time when intelligence is not valued. Anyone who uttering a complete sentence free of grammatical errors is considered a “fag.” Babies are often named after products. To me, this shows a lack of intelligence on the parents' part, though it does explain two of Camacho's middle names. A popular show of the time is Ow, My Balls, in which a guy is hit repeatedly in the groin by different objects. The #1 movie in America that year is Ass, which is simply 90 minutes of a guy’s ass. It apparently won eight Academy Awards — tying films like My Fair Lady, Gandhi and Amadeus.
|Just three Oscars away from tying Titanic.|
This could mean that Camacho would be very easy to outsmart.
Not a problem solver — Economy in deep neglect. Though Camacho acknowledges that things aren’t going great. There was the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505. There’s the fact that buildings are crumbling, but the only thing done to fix that is to tie them to other buildings for support. One of the biggest problems is that the crops have been failing. Part of the reason why the crops are failing is because an energy drink is being used to water them instead of actual water.
|In case your thirst needs to be mutilated, which is pretty often.|
Well, the argument seems airtight to them, but the video shows a bigger problem: Camacho hasn’t picked a very intelligent Cabinet. And yes, you did see correctly. One of the Cabinet members is a kid. He was given the job because he won a contest.
This is made even worse by the fact that Camacho seems to be giving weight to the advice of his Cabinet members. Apparently, he can’t even come up with good ideas of his own, he has to follow the ridiculously horrible ideas of his idiot Cabinet.
So, he’ll be entering the Arena with pretty much no tactical ability whatsoever.
Ages during term: 55-59
PROS: The Great Humanitarian-- Herbert Hoover's pre-Presidential resume is pretty much about two things: mining, and feeding people. Both are important-- his work as a mining engineer gave him an international presence before World War I broke out. And once said war broke out? Hoover immediately went into organizational mode, first leading a team of volunteers who helped evacuate 120,000 Americans from soon-to-be-war-torn Europe. And he wasn't done there!
|He actually looks kinda mean, here. Although maybe it's just because someone squashed his hat.|
|When they start naming town squares in Belgium after you, you know you've done something right.|
Hoover's rep as a humanitarian organizer grew so great, that when large swaths of the Mississippi River flooded in 1927, the affected areas petitioned President Calvin Coolidge specifically for Hoover's aid, despite the fact that Hoover was Secretary of Commerce at the time, and that post had fuck all to do with flood relief. They knew that the man would get it done, and whaddaya know, he did!
|Of course, his plan did involve child labor... Nah, just messin' with ya.|
Good health, long life-- In 1948, former President Hoover appeared at the Republican National Convention as a special guest. It was to be his "goodbye" appearance, as the unspoken thought was that he would not live to see the next convention. Lo and behold, he was still alive in 1952, so they went through the whole thing again... and again in 1956... and again in 1960.
|No, they didn't bring him back for the 2008 convention, this is just C-SPAN killing time during that convention.|
Hoover was also clearly a survivor. Quick-- how do you outlast a survivor in a fight to the death? You don't.
CONS: Prone to Bouts of GREAT DEPRESSION-- Hoover was a major advocate of a kind of volunteerism, which called for cooperation between government and private business so that the former did not have to overly regulate the latter. While he always denounced full-on laissez-faire economic policies, he believed that government regulation was too burdensome, and that providing direct government assistance de-incentivized work. All that probably would've been well and good, except for that the absolute bottom fell out of the U.S. economy in 1929.
|Just in case you thought blaming the Mexicans was a new idea, or something.|
"I should've voted for Al Smith..."
Also? We feel this should be mentioned-- We said before that Hoover was called in to help organize relief efforts after disastrous flooding in 1927. During that time, however, things went somewhat poorly for the African-Americans who were affected, and yes, we're saying "poorly" even against the handicap of their already living in the Jim Crow south. African-Americans were forced into camps which they were not allowed to leave, unless they were being conscripted at gun point to work as laborers. Money that was supposed to go to black sharecroppers was funneled elsewhere.
|Yup, bringing these little guys back.|
Hoover proceeded to win the election in 1929 by courting, essentially, Southern racists. And once he was in office, he proceeded to do less for civil rights than he did to improve the economy. As a result, blacks shifted en masse to the Democratic party, an allegiance that largely remains in place to this day.
The only way Camacho's mental ineptitude will work in Hoover's favor is that Camacho will have no idea of that nonsense Hoover pulled with African-Americans in the South. Because you know who would get filled to the brim with rage about mistreatment of African-Americans? An African-American with a short fuse. Luckily for Hoover, it's doubtful that the schools of Camacho's time would cover 20th century history with all that much care.
|Facts may take a back seat in the future, as this comic predicts.|
The racial point here is an important one, I think, and given that Camacho probably won't know what's up, the edge goes to Hoover. I realize the 1930s were a substantially different time, but you have to be a tremendous asshole to pull what Hoover pulled. Like, "your picture is next to the word 'asshole' in the dictionary"-level asshattery. So when he goes up against an African-American in the Arena, Hoover's gonna think to himself "Oh, I am having none of this." And then, blammo.
As people have been getting dumber, so have their forms of entertainment. Wouldn't it make sense that people would still pack arenas to watch people beat the crap out of each other? Yes, of course. It would even make sense to say that to hold the audience's attention, the fighting would have to get meaner and more ridiculous; and in order for a fighter to succeed, he would have to be extremely tough and much better at fighting. In other words, while mankind was getting dumber, fighting techniques would have advanced.
So, while I'd agree that the average person in Camacho's America would fall for "look behind you," I am going to need convincing that an experienced fighter like Camacho would as well.
I'm also going to need convincing as to how organizing a food drive for Belgium would automatically make someone able to take hits from a world-class superfighter from the future. Because that's a bigger stretch than Camacho falling for a lame trick and then losing because of it.
|YEEEEAAA— Uh-oh! Ehh, I'm sure Superman's got this one.|
True, the sports you mention have been Nerfed a bit in the name of safety. For example, 19 people died as a result of playing football in 1905 alone. This year, the only notable death in football I can think of was music's and that was during the Super Bowl halftime show. HEY-O!
|This technical difficulty was a pleasant distraction from the horror caused by The Black Eyed Peas.|
Hoover's going to try that, but it won't work. And when things don't work, what does Hoover do? He tries them again and again until FDR runs against him and wins — or in this case, Camacho stands above him victorious.
Mister, the Arena sure couldn't use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
|Those might have been the days, but maybe it's time to move on.|