|"Curse you, Twilight! Currrrrrrrse yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!"|
Cast: Armageddon clearly had access to more of the Hollywood A-list. I mean: Bruce Willis! Ben Affleck (and pre-backlash Affleck, at that)! Liv Tyler! Billy Bob Thorton! Steve Buscemi! Deep Impact? Well, there's Morgan Freeman, of course, and then there's... Robert Duvall! Tea Leoni! Um... Elijah Wood! Vanessa Redgrave... in all of two scenes! And... and... Laura Innes? Yes, with an extraordinarily bad haircut!
|Seriously, what the hell?|
Then you have the:
Plot and associated holes: Call this the believability factor. The plot in Armageddon is purely ridiculous. I mean... Turns out that NASA screens the movie to candidates in its management training program; the candidates are supposed to document as many impossible things as they can. The record? 168 impossibilities. NASA, sadly, hasn't published the list yet, so we'll just have to lie back and imagine the stuff they're griping about. Or, you can just watch the movie with your brain turned on, leading you to ask things like "Wait, why are there machine guns on that drill rig? And how can the bullets tear through the titanium skin of this super-shuttle?"
|I love that they included the guns in the official Hot Wheels version.|
Let us pause to consider that this was back when landline phones still existed. Which is an important point, because as he drives down the mountain (hilltop) that his observatory is perched on, Dr. Wolf is also frantically dialing his cell phone, attempting to get through to someone. We don't know exactly whom, and we never find out, because Dr. Wolf, in his manic race down the hill, manages to side-swipe a semi truck, and tumble through the guard rail and down said hill. Oh, and his Jeep pretty much immediately bursts into a ball of flame. Which, one would think, might spell doom for the disk.
But, surprise! When the comet is revealed to the world a year later, it's known as "Wolf-Biederman." Wait, what? How did that happen? The only person who actually knew about the stupid thing was killed before his discovery could be shared with anyone. Yet somehow, the name managed to live on.
ANYWAY. Let's finish up with the main point, the:
Types of Movies: Look, Armageddon is a flat-out action/disaster movie. It's big and dumb, and over its course, you have:
- A space shuttle blowing up in orbit
- Meteors peppering New York City
- Paris getting obliterated
- A horrible, horrible Aerosmith song
- Shanghai getting obliterated
- Assorted asteroid hijinx
|How the asteroids manage to hone in on Earth's population centers, we'll never understand.|
|Quick, try and spot the extras who were not given the proper motivation for this scene!|
The fundamental problem with Deep Impact is that in order to jam all those storylines into a two-hour movie, each individual story gets shortchanged. Is there any reason we should end up caring about Elijah Wood's character? Or Tea Leoni's, for that matter? Well, no, there's not. President Beck is barely a character; we know nothing about him save for his ability to go on TV and be reassuring. Deep Impact's fatal flaw is that it wants to show the human side of a disaster, but then refuses to show us any three-dimensional humans. Whoops.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system... have you voted, yet? Well, why the hell not? Polls are open until Friday, 9 a.m. MDT. Show your support for Nixon or Beck, and we'll see you Friday with the winner!