Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Two Mysterious Presidential Deaths

This week marks an unimpressive HttCttD first. Unimpressive because it's only our second week, but that's besides the point.

Both of this week's fighters have something in common — they both died while in office and both deaths leave a few questions at the feet of women who were in their lives.

As we learned earlier in the week, Harding died from a heart attack or stroke caused by 57 years of being Warren G. Harding. Add to that one of the most stressful jobs on the planet and a cross-continental train voyage in the summer.

On the other hand, James Dale died during an alien invasion; which is reasonable given the circumstances. Movies and TV will have us believe that aliens up to no good high-tail it to Washington, D.C., and go after the president. General Zod tore shit up at the White House in Superman II. In Independence Day, the aliens send three ships to the U.S., New York, Los Angeles and the third one is parked over the White House. Even Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons tried to hitchhike to "Earth Capital" at a misguided attempt at who knows what.

Their lack of research is our gain

So, what's the big deal? With the presidency comes a few risks. It's a stressful job and sometimes, aliens will target you.

The Harding's heart attack or stroke diagnosis didn't come from the U.S. Surgeon General, even though he was traveling with Harding. AND Harding's widow refused an autopsy. That seems awfully fishy, doesn't it? Especially if they couldn't pin down if it was a heart attack or stroke.

I know someone who would have taken a crack at this mystery.
He only charges a quarter, though he probably would have suspected Bugs Meaney, who has an air-tight alibi.

There are a lot of theories going around saying that Harding was poisoned by his wife. There are a number of reasons: revenge for his extramarital affairs, to save him embarrassment from the many scandals involving corruption that were popping up. One even says that she was acting along with a bunch of people who had been burned by him.

A book was written on the subject in 1930, which was later largely discredited. However, a few historians put some stock in the theories.

As for Dale's death, it's pretty straight forward, as most alien invasions are or any invasions for that matter.

The only difference here is that it could be argued that Dale had too much flag.

The question here is what happens to the U.S. Constitution?

There are strict guidelines regarding the line of succession if in the event the president dies. Next would be vice president, who we never see, but was most likely disintegrated with the rest of Congress, along with #2 and #3 in the line — Speaker of the House and President pro tempore of the Senate. Next in line would be the Secretary of State and the rest of the Cabinet.

Oh, maybe the Secretary of State was on the floor of Congress when it was vaporized. And so was the rest of the Cabinet.

Nope. Whenever all of the leaders are gathered like that, there is one member of the Cabinet who is the "designated survivor." That person is kept in a secure and undisclosed location far away. That way if the unexpected happens and everyone in that building dies, there's one person in Cabinet who would be still living and that person would become president.

And that person would be in charge of handing out the Medal of Honor, not the daughter of the recently slain president.

Not that I would ever complain about coming into close contact with Natalie Portman.

There would have to be some straight-up King Ralph shit to happen for the president's daughter — who is under 35, by the way, and therefore ineligible to hold office — to take her seat in the Oval Office. Clearly, she claimed the presidency illegally, otherwise, it would be someone else decorating the heroes.

So there you have it. Florence Harding and Taffy Dale: Ruthless Ladies of the White House.

If you haven't already, be sure to vote in the Dale vs. Harding fight in the previous post.

1 comment:

  1. A vote for James Dale is a vote for Natalie Portman.....have you seen The Professional??????

    Little known fact.....a man approached Andrew Jackson and claimed the "Beautiful Girls" was the best Natalie Portman movie.......Jackson beat the man with his cane screaming "Anywhere But Here was crappy movie but a tour de force perforrmance by Natalie"