Hit Your Interstate Highway System, Ike

Ike really knows how to make things interesting for us.

But Andrew Jackson saw to it that Eisenhower's luck would run out.

Jackson vs. Eisenhower

Andrew Jackson	23 (57.5%)
Dwight D. Eisenhower	17 (42.5%)

Eisenhower, whose 1st Round match had us scrambling to create a procedure in case of a tie, had Jackson on the ropes for most of the week. HttCttD staffers went to bed last night thinking another Eisenhower tiebreaker would be necessary, and with the commentariat split 2-2, the head offices would have had to have made an executive decision, which we hate to do. Ironic, since our blog is about chief executives of history and fiction. However, an overnight Jackson surge made this unnecessary, giving Old Hickory his first close call since the assassination attempt from Richard Lawrence.

Speaking of the commentariat, we would have to say that these were the best group of comments we've received in a while. As mentioned, they were split down the middle, all bringing up valid points.

This is a point we have made in the past. Say what you will about the Normandy invasion, Ike wasn't actually there mowing down Nazis himself.

While we bid farewell to Eisenhower, we would like to take a moment to recognize his delightful Twitter feed. He has been a following our blog since the beginning and we would like to note how much we appreciate his support and his entertaining tweets.

While some other Twitter campaigns for votes have irked us in the past, we were totally fine with DEisenhower34's self-promotion. Mostly because he didn't only speak up when it was his week, but he encouraged his followers to check us out regularly; unlike the mysterious flood of voters who visit only on weeks Bartlet is up.

So we'd like to thank Mr. Eisenhower for his tweets. We hope there are no hard feelings with this week's results, and we also hope you'll stick around to amuse us some more.

Andrew Jackson secures a quarterfinal appearance, which is scheduled for Feb. 20. Next week, Kang from The Simpsons will face Thomas J. Whitmore from Independence Day. This will be the only time a fictional president meets another fictional president in the Round of 16, and it is likely to be the last fictional meetup in the tournament.

Jackson vs. Eisenhower

Andrew Jackson
7th President of the United States
Served: 1829-1837
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience: Jackson cruised in the first round against William Howard Taft, and absolutely demolished Mars Attacks' James Dale in the second round.

Pros: Hella tough (lifetime of kicking ass and escaping various wars), and hella lucky (the whole "assassin jumps out and fires two pistols, both of which jam" event).

Cons: Somewhat aged by the time he reached the Presidency; also has questionable skills when robbed of his favorite beatin' cane.

Not surprisingly, the guy who told Jackson he couldn't take
his cane into the Arena got beaten with Jackson's cane.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
34th President of the United States
Served: 1953-1961
Ages during term: 62-70

Arena Experience: Eisenhower needed to take David Rice Atchison to a tiebreaker, but scored a more decisive win against Bill Clinton.

Pros: His middle initial does not stand for for "D-Day," though it totally could as he oversaw the Normandy invasion. He was also quite the athlete back in his day.

He had quite a kick, too.

Cons: "His day" had long since passed. And although his military experience was massively impressive, it included little hand-to-hand combat. He had heart problems and was suffering from Crohn's Disease.

Pre-game Analysis
Doug: I'd have to say that at first, I thought Jackson would have had this sewn up. Eisenhower doesn't nearly have the temper or the experience physically beating someone himself. Both were very successful generals and they were both the same age when they began they were in the White House.

On one hand, you have Eisenhower's heart that was ready to self-destruct. On the other hand, you have Andrew Jackson who reportedly rattled like a "bag of marbles" from the bullets of his duels still lodged in his body.

Eisenhower could pull this one out.

Tony: He could, but he won't. These two are actually fairly evenly matched in most areas... except for, you know, the stuff you pointed out. Like temper: the same edge that got Ol' Hickory into all these duels is the same edge that's going to win him this fight. Plus, like you even said, there's the experience factor? So, yeah, aside from the two rather large and glaring advantages for Jackson, they're practically the same guy!

The Chief: Readers, now it's your turn! As always, voting is open until 9am Mountain Time on Friday. We'll be back on Wednesday with more!

Jackson vs. Eisenhower

Ike Emerges Liked

Dwight D. Eisenhower made Bill Clinton look like Adlai Stevenson in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™ this week.

Though unlike Stevenson, Clinton will be spared from having to meet Eisenhower again.

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

Dwight D. Eisenhower	34 (66.7%)
Bill Clinton	17 (33.3%)

We had a relatively high turnout this week, tying Reagan vs. Hayes for third-most votes in a week. However, the race came nowhere close to needing a tiebreaker. Even if it did, Ike had the solid support of the commentariat on his side. Leading the pack — both chronologically and, in our opinion, quality of comment:

While brilliant, we'd hate to nitpick and point out that Eisenhower, like all officers during World War II were in the older Lost Generation. However, we'll chalk this slight error up to madness from having ingested iocane powder.

And before you ask: yes, we're pretty sure the person Ike fought was Bill Clinton, and not his look-alike, Geroge.

Eisenhower is scheduled to return to the Round of 16 and face Andrew Jackson Dec. 26. We have to say that we're generally excited about this matchup. Get it? Because they were generals. HEYO!

Ahem.

Join us next week when James Monroe takes on Kang from The Simpsons.

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

Oops! Almost forgot:

We here at "Hail to the Chief... to the Death" intend that this blog be for entertainment and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence against any president, former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
34th President of the United States
Served: 1953-1961
Ages during term: 62-70

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Eisenhower needed a tiebreaker to beat "President for a Day" David Rice Atchison in the 1st Round. It's the closest match we've had yet.

PROS: He's a tough former athlete who excelled at military tactics; so much that he oversaw the largest amphibious invasion in history. A lot of Nazis died on his watch.

CONS: He's in his 60s, so his age isn't really on his side. There's also the fact that despite his great military career, he has little experience with hand-to-hand combat.

Bill Clinton
42nd President of the United States
Served: 1993-2001
Age during term: 46-54

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Clinton faced fellow Southern ex-governor Jimmy Carter in the first round, and walked out with 80% of the vote. Suck it, peanut-boy!

PROS: An elusive character, Clinton's political life has see him play the Roadrunner to his opponents' Wile E. Coyote. He's also a young and dynamic presence (well, relative to the HttCttD bracket), unlike his competitor.

CONS: A quick scan of Clinton's curriculum vitae indicates that he's not always thinking with the head you normally want to think with, so to speak. Add to that his alarming history of getting confused when presented with simple words, and you gotta worry about the guy.

The Fight

Tony: All right. I'll concede that militarily, Ike has an advantage. Clinton never served, and Ike's track record is obvious. If you're Ike, you're thinking, "I've got this whippersnapper right where I want him."

And that's just the problem. Everyone always thinks they have Clinton right where they want him, and then suddenly Clinton is speeding off into the distance, and they're running off the edge of a cliff, realizing that they've run off a cliff, and subsequently dropping to the canyon floor below, possibly after holding up a small sign reading: "Help!" Clinton's the ultimate master at getting himself out of trouble. Now, add the fact that he's sixteen years younger than Ike, and then add the fact that Ike could barely beat out David Rice Atchison last time he was in the ring, and I think it's fairly obvious who's gonna win this one: the man from Hope.

Doug: Yeah Ike barely got by the 1st Round. Let me remind you, he was fighting someone who 1) was 20 years younger than him, 2) whose "post-presidency" included leading and killing anti-abolitionists. So Ike had kind of a tough draw, but he prevailed.

On the other hand, Clinton faced the guy who — according to some — nearly lost a wrestling match with a cutesy-wootsy widdle bunny rabbit. Clinton is in serious danger of resting on his laurels. Now he's going to have to enter the ring against an actual fighter.

Tony: Tough draw? Tough draw? Ike should've swatted that one-day-only punk aside like he unworthy upstart he was! Instead, it was a knock-down, drag-out battle that probably messed Ike up, but good. Clinton's got all the momentum coming into this thing.

Once again, Ike is facing down someone younger than himself. This time, that person has a distinct ability to get through tight scrapes. This time, Eisenhower's luck is going to run out.

Doug: Yes, tough draw. I'll repeat it, since you repeated your question. Yes, tough draw. Atchison is the only one in the pool who went on to kill people after his "term," so he's a tough guy. Our voters were deadlocked, so they obviously thought he was as worthy of a fighter as Ike.

Bless you, Internet, for your bring us pictures of Dwight D. Eisenhower as a boxer. (Image courtesy of these folks.)

Clinton, however, dodged the draft. Do you think Ike helped mastermind the Normandy invasion so that snot-nosed kids like Clinton could avoid serving his country? No. Ike's not going to take that garbage.
Tony: Of course, Ike then went on to fight the Normandy invasion single-handed, right? Oh, wait. No, he didn't. In fact, he never really fought in combat. Since Clinton didn't do that, either, I'd call their military experience (or lack thereof) a draw. Sorry, Ike. Meanwhile, Clinton is younger, healthier (by virtue of having access to late 20th-century medicine, at least), and knows how to get out of trouble at the drop of a hat.

Clinton's entire strategy seems to rely on his opponents getting over confident, then making mistakes. He probably takes a few shots from Ike, just to lull the guy into a false sense of security. Then, whammo! He crushes Ike like a bug, exits the arena, picks up his saxophone, and serenades the crowd for an hour or two.

And you KNOW what happens next.

Doug: Precedent-based shenanigans!

When you argued for Ike in the 1st Round, it was Normandy, Normandy, Normandy and me on the other end pointing out the he didn't do any actual fighting. I lost that match, so the fact that he didn't see any of the combat wasn't an issue.

Okay, fine. Now when I try to mention Normandy, you're quick to point out that he didn't actually fight in that battle. So now it does make a difference after all? Or are we just switching it up for what ever is convenient for you?

Regardless of Ike's involvement, he also has experience playing football for West Point. When Clinton was that age, he was busy not inhaling (he can't even toke properly). We probably shouldn't forget that Ike used to box as a younger man, which means that he has even the slightest bit of knowledge about how to fight, which is more we can say for Clinton. Clinton doesn't even know how to fight his craving for Big Macs. By the way, you know what's not good for your health (and could hurt your ability to fight)? A McDonald's-heavy diet.

Tony: Precedent-based retort! When you argued for Atchison in the first round, you wrote, and I quote, "it should be noted that it wasn't Eisenhower himself who swam on the shores and defeated the Germans single-handedly. No, there were 175,000 Allied troops there." So wait, when you're arguing against Eisenhower, it's okay for you to point out his lack of actual combat activities, but when I do it, it's not? Or are we just switching if up for whatever is convenient for you?

Boom, roasted!

And yeah, Clinton liked himself some McDonalds. But did he ever have a heart attack? Well, no, thanks to that quintuple-bypass he underwent after leaving office, but that's not the point. Unlike Mr. Heart Attack McStrokey over here, Clinton's going to be in good shape for this fight.

Doug: So, either way you cut it, I am AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT. I'm okay with that.

Tony: Pretty sure that's not what I said, but go on.

Doug: I'm totally fine with the admission that Ike helped mastermind, but not fight, the invasion. Anyone with that ability to plan out such a battle could easily take care of Clinton before the heart attacks or strokes even become an issue.

The Chief: Okay! Well, whether or not you support the calling of shenanigans, it looks like we've got a fight on our hands, and the polls are now open! As always, you've got until 9am, MDT on Friday to vote. So, get to it! And let's hear some comments!

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

¡Ike Carumba!

Dwight D. Eisenhower went all Omaha Beach on David Rice Atchison.

Only it wasn't all that decisive.

Eisenhower vs. Atchison

Dwight D. Eisenhower	7 (50%)
David Rice Atchison	7 (50%)

For the first time, we had to employ some sort of tiebreaker. We had no official tiebreaker on the books, so much like when William Henry Harrison died while in office, we had to make a decision on the spot and hope that the electorate accepted it with as little civil unrest as possible. Only, for us, our decision wasn't as easy as just giving the vice president the keys to the Oval Office.

We decided to count comments. While the vote was split at 7, the comments section was decidedly in favor of Eisenhower.

And leading the charge of pro-Ike comments was Elsinore524:

Which begs a very important philosophical question: What is a sleeping racist without his mob?

In the meantime, the HttCttD Staff will work feverishly on getting tiebreaker rules on the books.

Now, about this low-voter turnout.

We here at HttCttD HQ would like to remind you that despite the fact that we're dealing with two people fighting each other mano-a-mano, this is NOT Fight Club. You CAN talk about Hail to the Chief... to the Death. To anyone.

Unfortunately, a Super Bowl ad was just a few million dollars out of our advertising budget, so we're pretty much depending on word of mouth.

Tell friends, tell co-workers and share our links. The more people who get involved the more fun it is for everyone.

That being said, thank you to our loyal readers and voters.

Keep reading.
Keep voting.
And keep commenting.

Dwight D. Eisenhower's 2nd Round fight is scheduled to take place Sept. 12.
Stay tuned next week as two Southern Democrats from the late 20th century enter the arena. Bill Clinton vs. Jimmy Carter.

Eisenhower vs. Atchison

Dwight D. Eisenhower

34th President of the United States
Served: 1953-1961
Age During Term: 62-70
PROS: He stopped the freaking Nazis. Shouldn't that be enough for you? No? Well, how about...

Toughness — Eisenhower's military career started in 1911, when he enrolled in West Point. After failing to make the baseball team, he walked onto the academy's football team. Keep in mind this was a full 5 years after Teddy Roosevelt bullied the sport into accepting the forward pass as a way to prevent people from dying while playing. Eisenhower became one of the cadets' stars, managing to tackle Jim Thorpe in a 1912 contest. And you know the deal about Thorpe...

Tactics and Tact — Following his graduation from West Point, Eisenhower kicked around the Army a little bit, studying military history and tactics wherever he could. He eventually wound up discussing tank warfare tactics with none other than George S. Patton. Their ideas would initially find little purchase with the upper echelons of the Army, but would become crucial during that little dust-up called the Second World War. And about WWII... He started the war as part of the team drawing up the official Allied Battle Plan for both the European and Pacific theatres. Before long, he was leading that unit. This turned out to be the template for him throughout the entire war: show up somewhere, wind up in charge. He let this wave ride him all the way up the chain until he was basically running the entire Allied show in Europe. No small feat, considering the amount of people he had to finesse, all while preparing for and executing the largest amphibious invasion in history. Bottom line: Ike got shit done.

Cons: Age? — It would be hard for most people to win a fight to the death at 62 years old, although it should be pointed out that such age is hardly uncommon in this tournament. Still, his opponent has 20 years on him, so Ike is going to need to tread carefully.

Lack of combat experience — Though his career began around the same time as World War I, Eisenhower was never deployed in that particular scrap. Since shooting engagements were few and far between in the mid-war period, Eisenhower ended up leading the Army despite having precisely no combat experience. That lack of experience clearly didn't hurt then — might it hurt in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™?

Also — how do you get from "Dwight" to "Ike"? Can someone explain this?

David Rice Atchison
"President of the United States for One Day"
Served: March 4, 1849
Age during term: 41

HttCttD NOTE: As James K. Polk's term ended on March 4, 1849, Zachary Taylor was scheduled to take office that day. However, since that was a Sunday, Taylor refused to hold the inauguration on that day. Since Taylor and his vice president, Millard Fillmore, did not take the oath, it is believed by some that the President pro tempore of the United States Senate would have been considered president until Taylor took the oath. And that was David Rice Atchison.

PROS: Youthful and stress-free — Atchison may be the youngest one in the pool.

Also, you know how they say one four-year term ages a president 10 years? Atchison didn't serve four years. He "served" one day. Maybe, in keeping with that logic, it could be argued that he aged 2 1/2 days on that day. However, he later told a St. Louis newspaper that he spent much of the day catching up on sleep. Doesn't sound like much of a stressful term in office.

Post-"presidential" badassery — Most post-presidential careers involve retiring quietly. Atchison's retirement wasn't all that quiet. He killed people after his "term."

When Kansas was to be admitted into the Union and the question of it being a slave or a free-soil state would be put up to the voters, Atchison recruited an armed mob known as the "Border Ruffians." Their mission statement was quite clear: "to kill every God-damned abolitionist in the district." When the state legislation was up for its first election, the ruffians seized control of polling places and cast fraudulent votes for pro-slavery candidates.

He also served as a general in the Missouri State Guard when the Civil War broke out.

CONS: No back-up, weapons or motivation — We're yet to see how Atchison handles fighting when he's not surrounded by an angry, armed mob. Also, he only seems interested in fighting to keep slaves. Maybe he can psych himself into believing that his opponents in the arena are abolitionists.

Disqualification? — A lot of people don't consider Atchison to have served as president for one day. Himself included.

This was back in the day when the president, vice president and members of Congress took office on the same day. So, while Taylor and Fillmore didn't take the oath, neither did Atchison as the President pro tempore of the United States Senate of the 31st Congress.

So did we have no government? Just plain ol' anarchy for 24 hours?

No. Even though Taylor didn't take the oath that Sunday, he became president. Had Taylor or Fillmore been incapacitated that day, then, yes, Atchison would have become president. That's not the case here.

So, how did he get into the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™?

I don't know. Look at his tombstone.

Though, there's no presidential seal.

The Fight
Doug: Granted, Eisenhower was a brilliant military mind. Having him as general during World War II was like playing Risk where your dice only roll fives and sixes. However, as was already pointed out, his history of hand-to-hand combat is lacking.

You also forgot to mention Eisenhower's health issues. He suffered a heart attack in 1955 which led to a few other problems, including a stroke in 1957. Even if he's fighting at the beginning of his term, Ike doesn't seem to have much of a fight in him.

Tony: Okay, here's my thing on Atchison: he never considered himself a "real" president. Wouldn't it stand to reason that, upon being thrown into a death match for presidents, he would get a little huffy? Maybe start pouting a bit? I think Eisenhower seizes on that weakness and steamrolls him.

And, yeah, Eisenhower had health problems, natch. However — you know who else has health problems? All the Nazis Eisenhower killed. Really, I don't think we can overlook this.

I will grant that Atchison may have a higher upside than Eisenhower, in terms of battle and whatnot, but Eisenhower is someone who already knows what he can do. You don't have time to discover yourself in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™.

Doug: I imagine Atchison would be bewildered to learn that he was included in this Oval Office Battle Royale. He may protest the idea and remark at how silly it is (actually, I imagine most of the presidents would find this silly). However, once he found himself in the ring, I can't imagine he'd stand idly by while some 60-something-year-old dude starts swinging at him. Aww, hell no!

Especially once Atchison learns Eisenhower's record with civil rights.
"What? You personally proposed and signed the first Civil Rights Act since 1875? And helped implement racial integration of public schools?"

Atchison would then become blind with fury. Suddenly, he's not in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™, he's in Kansas, circa 1855. And he's not seeing Dwight D. Eisenhower, legitimate former President of the United States. He's picturing some damned abolitionist who wants to make it illegal to own another person as property.

Tony: Yeah, what happened to the last people who tried to bust about nonsense about racial superiority around Eisenhower? MOTHERFUCKING NORMANDY. Seriously, you might as well call Ike a real-life Ark of the Covenant.

Meanwhile, who exactly is going to be whispering Eisenhower's record into Atchison's ear? Did someone in the crowd put heavy money on the one-day wonder? Did they need to make sure he got whipped into a frenzy?

Look, there are some fundamental differences between the two, but I think it comes down to this: Atchison was a regressive. He didn't like change. Especially when that change involved giving up the right to keep others in bondage. Eisenhower, meanwhile, was all about progress and modernity. Aside from the Civil Rights initiatives you referred to, he championed the Interstate Highway system, and helped get a little thing called NASA started.

At the same time, he wasn't afraid to get dirty, as all of this little CIA programs showed. Atchison better watch himself. I mean, I assume he was going to, given the circumstances, but... I'm just saying.

Doug: Okay, maybe it's time we get real about a few things. D-Day was possibly one of the finest military offensives of the 20th century, if not ever. And, yes, it was engineered in part by Eisenhower. But for the most part, people's faces did not melt.

Not Eisenhower's doing

And it should be noted that it wasn't Eisenhower himself who swam on the shores and defeated the Germans single-handedly. No, there were 175,000 Allied troops there.

I suppose we never got into if competitors have an opportunity to learn about their enemies before a fight of if they're roused from bed, get a pillow case thrown over their heads, taken straight to the arena and told to fight the other person. I imagine it's somewhere in the middle. If Atchison doesn't get to learn about Eisenhower's record, then Ike shouldn't be privy to Atchison's abolitionist-killing ways.

Either way, Ike can't hide behind Allied troops or the CIA. It's just him. And he has to stop a pissed off 41-year-old who doesn't know how he ended up in this arena.

Tony: Okay, you've lost me. Next thing I know, you'll be telling me that Ronald Reagan didn't single-handedly defeat Communism! What a silly jest that would be!

To be serious, of course Eisenhower didn't Captain America the Third Reich into dust. His record, though, shows he was someone who could turn any situation to his advantage, and good tactics are usually a good foil for blind frothing rage.

I kind of like the idea of neither combatant knowing who the hell they're dealing with. They only know they must kill. So diabolical!

Eisenhower vs. Atchison