Ike Emerges Liked

Dwight D. Eisenhower made Bill Clinton look like Adlai Stevenson in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™ this week.

Though unlike Stevenson, Clinton will be spared from having to meet Eisenhower again.

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

Dwight D. Eisenhower	34 (66.7%)
Bill Clinton	17 (33.3%)

We had a relatively high turnout this week, tying Reagan vs. Hayes for third-most votes in a week. However, the race came nowhere close to needing a tiebreaker. Even if it did, Ike had the solid support of the commentariat on his side. Leading the pack — both chronologically and, in our opinion, quality of comment:

While brilliant, we'd hate to nitpick and point out that Eisenhower, like all officers during World War II were in the older Lost Generation. However, we'll chalk this slight error up to madness from having ingested iocane powder.

And before you ask: yes, we're pretty sure the person Ike fought was Bill Clinton, and not his look-alike, Geroge.

Eisenhower is scheduled to return to the Round of 16 and face Andrew Jackson Dec. 26. We have to say that we're generally excited about this matchup. Get it? Because they were generals. HEYO!

Ahem.

Join us next week when James Monroe takes on Kang from The Simpsons.

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

Oops! Almost forgot:

We here at "Hail to the Chief... to the Death" intend that this blog be for entertainment and wise-ass only purposes. We do not condone, nor do we encourage, violence against any president, former or current, living or dead, real or fictional.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
34th President of the United States
Served: 1953-1961
Ages during term: 62-70

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Eisenhower needed a tiebreaker to beat "President for a Day" David Rice Atchison in the 1st Round. It's the closest match we've had yet.

PROS: He's a tough former athlete who excelled at military tactics; so much that he oversaw the largest amphibious invasion in history. A lot of Nazis died on his watch.

CONS: He's in his 60s, so his age isn't really on his side. There's also the fact that despite his great military career, he has little experience with hand-to-hand combat.

Bill Clinton
42nd President of the United States
Served: 1993-2001
Age during term: 46-54

ARENA EXPERIENCE: Clinton faced fellow Southern ex-governor Jimmy Carter in the first round, and walked out with 80% of the vote. Suck it, peanut-boy!

PROS: An elusive character, Clinton's political life has see him play the Roadrunner to his opponents' Wile E. Coyote. He's also a young and dynamic presence (well, relative to the HttCttD bracket), unlike his competitor.

CONS: A quick scan of Clinton's curriculum vitae indicates that he's not always thinking with the head you normally want to think with, so to speak. Add to that his alarming history of getting confused when presented with simple words, and you gotta worry about the guy.

The Fight

Tony: All right. I'll concede that militarily, Ike has an advantage. Clinton never served, and Ike's track record is obvious. If you're Ike, you're thinking, "I've got this whippersnapper right where I want him."

And that's just the problem. Everyone always thinks they have Clinton right where they want him, and then suddenly Clinton is speeding off into the distance, and they're running off the edge of a cliff, realizing that they've run off a cliff, and subsequently dropping to the canyon floor below, possibly after holding up a small sign reading: "Help!" Clinton's the ultimate master at getting himself out of trouble. Now, add the fact that he's sixteen years younger than Ike, and then add the fact that Ike could barely beat out David Rice Atchison last time he was in the ring, and I think it's fairly obvious who's gonna win this one: the man from Hope.

Doug: Yeah Ike barely got by the 1st Round. Let me remind you, he was fighting someone who 1) was 20 years younger than him, 2) whose "post-presidency" included leading and killing anti-abolitionists. So Ike had kind of a tough draw, but he prevailed.

On the other hand, Clinton faced the guy who — according to some — nearly lost a wrestling match with a cutesy-wootsy widdle bunny rabbit. Clinton is in serious danger of resting on his laurels. Now he's going to have to enter the ring against an actual fighter.

Tony: Tough draw? Tough draw? Ike should've swatted that one-day-only punk aside like he unworthy upstart he was! Instead, it was a knock-down, drag-out battle that probably messed Ike up, but good. Clinton's got all the momentum coming into this thing.

Once again, Ike is facing down someone younger than himself. This time, that person has a distinct ability to get through tight scrapes. This time, Eisenhower's luck is going to run out.

Doug: Yes, tough draw. I'll repeat it, since you repeated your question. Yes, tough draw. Atchison is the only one in the pool who went on to kill people after his "term," so he's a tough guy. Our voters were deadlocked, so they obviously thought he was as worthy of a fighter as Ike.

Bless you, Internet, for your bring us pictures of Dwight D. Eisenhower as a boxer. (Image courtesy of these folks.)

Clinton, however, dodged the draft. Do you think Ike helped mastermind the Normandy invasion so that snot-nosed kids like Clinton could avoid serving his country? No. Ike's not going to take that garbage.
Tony: Of course, Ike then went on to fight the Normandy invasion single-handed, right? Oh, wait. No, he didn't. In fact, he never really fought in combat. Since Clinton didn't do that, either, I'd call their military experience (or lack thereof) a draw. Sorry, Ike. Meanwhile, Clinton is younger, healthier (by virtue of having access to late 20th-century medicine, at least), and knows how to get out of trouble at the drop of a hat.

Clinton's entire strategy seems to rely on his opponents getting over confident, then making mistakes. He probably takes a few shots from Ike, just to lull the guy into a false sense of security. Then, whammo! He crushes Ike like a bug, exits the arena, picks up his saxophone, and serenades the crowd for an hour or two.

And you KNOW what happens next.

Doug: Precedent-based shenanigans!

When you argued for Ike in the 1st Round, it was Normandy, Normandy, Normandy and me on the other end pointing out the he didn't do any actual fighting. I lost that match, so the fact that he didn't see any of the combat wasn't an issue.

Okay, fine. Now when I try to mention Normandy, you're quick to point out that he didn't actually fight in that battle. So now it does make a difference after all? Or are we just switching it up for what ever is convenient for you?

Regardless of Ike's involvement, he also has experience playing football for West Point. When Clinton was that age, he was busy not inhaling (he can't even toke properly). We probably shouldn't forget that Ike used to box as a younger man, which means that he has even the slightest bit of knowledge about how to fight, which is more we can say for Clinton. Clinton doesn't even know how to fight his craving for Big Macs. By the way, you know what's not good for your health (and could hurt your ability to fight)? A McDonald's-heavy diet.

Tony: Precedent-based retort! When you argued for Atchison in the first round, you wrote, and I quote, "it should be noted that it wasn't Eisenhower himself who swam on the shores and defeated the Germans single-handedly. No, there were 175,000 Allied troops there." So wait, when you're arguing against Eisenhower, it's okay for you to point out his lack of actual combat activities, but when I do it, it's not? Or are we just switching if up for whatever is convenient for you?

Boom, roasted!

And yeah, Clinton liked himself some McDonalds. But did he ever have a heart attack? Well, no, thanks to that quintuple-bypass he underwent after leaving office, but that's not the point. Unlike Mr. Heart Attack McStrokey over here, Clinton's going to be in good shape for this fight.

Doug: So, either way you cut it, I am AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT. I'm okay with that.

Tony: Pretty sure that's not what I said, but go on.

Doug: I'm totally fine with the admission that Ike helped mastermind, but not fight, the invasion. Anyone with that ability to plan out such a battle could easily take care of Clinton before the heart attacks or strokes even become an issue.

The Chief: Okay! Well, whether or not you support the calling of shenanigans, it looks like we've got a fight on our hands, and the polls are now open! As always, you've got until 9am, MDT on Friday to vote. So, get to it! And let's hear some comments!

Eisenhower vs. Clinton

I Did Not Have a Physical Fight With That President

Bill Clinton feels Carter's pain.

And with good reason; Clinton really doled it out. (See what I just did there?)

Clinton vs. Carter

Bill Clinton	24 (80%)
Jimmy Carter	6 (20%)

Unlike the 1992 and '96 Presidential Elections, Clinton was able to get more than 50% of the vote. I guess it's a good thing that Ross Perot wasn't involved to muck things up.

This fight was marked with both an appreciated upswing in voters (welcome, new readers) and an interesting comment war.

This back-and-forth had everything: threats to alter Wikipedia articles to include lies, combatants faking anaphylactic shock, the infamous blue dress, cross-dressing, and icing people like characters from The Sims. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to call rules violations on these comments for a number of reasons. For example, the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™ doesn't allow participants to bring anything into the ring. This includes saxophones, epinephrine pens and materials for building a house. The dress, however, would be allowed, provided one of the combatants is wearing it.

Also, starting a fire in the middle of the ring — again, bringing materials to start a fire is verboten — would earn us a visit from the Fire Marshal, who will shut us down before we're one-eighth done with the 1st Round, which we don't want.

Besides, if you really want to off one of your Sims, everyone knows the best way of doing so is to get them into a swimming pool and take away the ladder so that they drown. I'd include a video, but it's pretty upsetting to watch Sims die, unless it's of old age and they've had a good life.



That's the way to go. The Grim Reaper shows up with some suitcases and some hula girls and you willingly head off into the unknown. Not burning alive in a Habitat for Humanity house while spectators cheer.

Bill Clinton moves on to the 2nd Round and is scheduled to face Dwight D. Eisenhower Sept. 12.
Stay tuned next week when James Monroe takes on the Unnamed President from Love Actually played by Billy Bob Thornton.

Clinton vs. Carter

Bill Clinton
42nd President of the United States
Served: 1993-2001
Age during term: 46-54

PROS: Elusiveness — I mean, the man could weasel out of anything. And I'm not just talking about various extra-marital affairs (though trust me, we'll get there). In the early stages of the 1992 Democratic Primaries, Clinton found himself sinking in the polls following charges of sexual misconduct (again, we'll get to that). After he and his wife Hillary went on 60 Minutes, Clinton's poll numbers rebounded enough that, even though he didn't win the somewhat-important Massachusetts primary, he came to be called "The Comeback Kid."

"And I'm only getting started."

Later, after Clinton's administration failed to pass a comprehensive overhaul of the nation's health care system, the Democratic party got clobbered in the 1994 elections and lost control of Congress. Was Clinton finished? Not at all! And was he finished when, in 1995 and 1996, the Federal Government was shut down for a total of 26 days due to Clinton playing a game of economic chicken with the then-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich? In fact, his approval ratings soared to the highest levels he'd seen since his inauguration! And finally, was he finished when he got impeached? Ha!

Actually kind of cool — Think about it — how many U.S. presidents have been legitimately cool? Not too many. But with Clinton, you got this:

Arsenio Hall couldn't quite believe what was going on.
Neither could America, for that matter.

You also got a moment in 1994, inexplicably missing from the Internet, where during an MTV-sponsored event where the President took questions from Young People, a giggling 17-year old asked the Leader of the Free World if he wore "boxers or briefs."

The point is this: Clinton was born in 1946, placing him firmly at the front of a little movement you've probably heard about: the Baby Boom. Clinton's election brought that generation into power; even though said generation used to define itself by its antipathy towards The Man, they could no longer escape the fact that they were now, very much, The Man now, Dog. Clinton's coolness, his personal charisma, marked him as the perfect leader for such a movement — otherwise, he'd have never been asked about his drawers. Now, how would that help him in the arena? Good question! But we'd wager it's hard to fight a guy you just can't stay mad at.

CONS: The slight inability to keep it in his pants — Yes, we're finally getting to it. What do Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and of course, Monica Lewinsky have in common?

That's right, ladies.

Now, okay, Clinton is hardly the first president in U.S. History to have stepped out of bounds while in office. What sets him apart is that his indiscretions led to his being impeached by the House of Representatives. Oopsie. In terms of the fight, we figure it would be tough to engage in hand-to-hand combat while in the middle of a case of "it burns when I pee." Food for thought.

Easily confused at times — I'm just going to leave this here:

I mean, I get that he was trying to be evasive and all, but... yeeesh.

Jimmy Carter
39th President of the United States
Served: 1977-1981
Age during term: 52-56

PROS: Lots of post-presidential mileage — Being president is stressful and Carter's term was particularly bad. Stagflation, energy crisis, hostages and he was getting blamed for all of it.

Despite this fact, he has the second-longest retirement of any president, which just passed 30 years last month. Only Herbert Hoover had a longer post-presidential life span at just over 31 years and 6 months.

Though we didn't know it at the time, Carter had a lot of life left in him in the late '70s.

He sees into the FUTURE — Instead of relying on foreign oil, which muddied up U.S. foreign policy, he wanted to wean us off relying on the Middle East. He got on TV and told everyone to turn the thermostat down and to put on a damn sweater. He also added solar panels to the White House, hoping to set an example to the rest of the nation.

Americans didn't want to hear that they'd have to alter their behavior. They elected someone who would ignore all of this nonsense and remove those stupid solar panels.

Reagan's Special Envoy to the Middle East, Donald Rumsfeld, shaking hands
with America's BF"F", Iraqi Dictator, Saddam Hussein

Thirty years later, the Middle East is still a mess and we're still depending on them for oil. The green energy move only started to really take hold a in the past few years, but only after Americans were forced to pay $4/gallon to gas up their inefficient and needlessly oversized SUVs.

Carter can either see the future, or he's sensible way beyond popular opinion. If it's the former, then he'll be able to anticipate his opponent's moves.

CONS: But let's all be honest, it's most likely the latter; sensible way beyond popular opinion.

Peaceful — The Independent reported that Carter is seen as a better man than he was a president. Say what you will about Carter's presidency, he was a peacemaker and a humanitarian. This, sadly, makes you a bad president.

It's hardly a leap to assume that these attributes would make him an even worse combatant in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™.

After he left the White House, he continued doing whatever makes you a bad president but a good person. In the past decade, he's won a Nobel Peace Prize, criticized British Prime Minister Tony Blair for blindly following the U.S. into a war in Iraq and, in 2008, called for the next president to apologize for torture that allegedly occurred at Guantanamo Bay.

Carter has always had a "Shit, you assholes hate me already. What the fuck do I care what you think of me now?" approach, except he's way too nice to put it that way.

No Fighting Experience — The very idea of engaging someone else in a fight is as about anti-Carter as one could get brings up the point that his fighting experience is lacking.

He had a brief career in the Navy, and he saw his future working in the fledgling nuclear submarine program. However, he left the Navy when his father died.

That's about as warlike as Carter got and it was short-lived.

The Fight

Doug: First, let's disregard the fact that these people have met several times and have even worked together on humanitarian efforts. Jimmy Carter will enter the arena with a major advantage — the element of surprise. C'mon, who is Carter going to hit? No one. And everyone knows that. Some presidents would take advantage of this fact. Jackson, I'd imagine, would show no mercy. Bill Clinton, however, is not a raging dick — okay, poor choice of words.

Who could hit the peacemaker who exudes kindness, anyway? Clinton will go in thinking he can go easy and then...

Carter lays one into Clinton.
"What is this?" Clinton thinks, only he has no idea what the meaning of "is" is. Then:

Carter has gotten two, well-placed hits. I don't know. Carter could totally bring it to the arena.

Tony: Here's the thing with Carter: what fuels him? What drives him to transform from a global crusader for peace and justice into a cold-blooded gladiator? Here's what: nothing. I mean, maybe he'd be pissed off at not winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 1978? Except then he won one in 2002, so I don't know how that tracks. Maybe he'd be fueled by fear that the Olympians he screwed over in 1980 were tracking him down?

Someone like this guy, for example.

But, whatever, let's say Carter does manage to get in a few cuts. He's going against THE COMEBACK KID! I don't think Clinton's gonna let a couple jabs from some lousy peanut farmer derail him. He's gonna come strong and he's gonna come hard.

I... could have phrased that better.

I think this match comes down to two words: Swamp Rabbit. If Carter couldn't defend himself from one of those, he's got no chance in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™.

Doug: You know what fuels Jimmy Carter? He's sick of everyone saying that he was attacked by a swamp rabbit. If you believe that Carter was attacked by a swamp rabbit, then you probably also believe that Al Gore said the words, "I invented the Internet."

Here's what actually happened. Carter was solo fishing in a boat in Plains, Ga., (which means he was sitting in a boat and he probably had Secret Service men on the shore) when he noticed some a rabbit swimming towards his boat making strange hissing noises. Carter splashed it with a paddle and the rabbit turned around. End of story.

He returned to Washington, told the story to a few people as kind of a "Hey guys, you'll never believe what happened. Blah blah blah, swamp rabbit. Isn't that weird?" story. White House press secretary told someone from The Associated Press, who put the story on the wire. Then, newspapers ran a story saying that this happened:

And the whole world went on thinking that the president was attacked by a bunny, and to this day, people still believe he was unable to defend himself against a rabbit. If that's not enough to piss him off, then how about the fact that everyone seems to think that he said that there was a feeling of "national malaise," when he never said that.

This is Carter's chance to set the record straight, and he's going to do so with his fists.

Tony: Listen, I read the rabbit thing in Doonesbury, and if it's in Doonesbury, it's got to be true. QED.

I'll give you the national malaise thing, but this leads to another point in Clinton's favor. Carter may have never uttered the words "national malaise," but it's not like his years as president were really Party Times for America. Stagflation? Not a pleasant time for the economy. Compare and contrast to the Clinton years, which featured the longest period of economic growth for the country in history. That? Is gonna give you a swagger.

Pictured: Swagger, personified.

Carter may open strong, and he may open with a bout of righteous fury, but Clinton's got the power and endurance to win this bout. Hands down.

Okay, now before we turn this over to the voters, first, a word from...

Doug & Tony: The Chief!

THE CHIEF descends

The Chief: Thanks as always, boys. Now, I just wanted to take a moment, since this is our first match featuring not one, but two presidents who are both real, and still living, to clarify the point that we at HttCttD do not condone actual violence against any president, real or fictional, living or deceased. Given that, for this week's match, we ask for you not to envision these men in a fight to the death, but rather that they will battle to place one another into a very long, deep, and restful sleep.

Now, readers, go forth and vote! Remember, once you've voted, drop us a line in the comments to let us know why you voted the way you did. Your comment could end up being a tiebreaker!

Clinton vs. Carter