Washington vs. Cleveland

George Washington

1st President of the United States
Served: 1789-1797Age during term: 57-65

Arena Experience: Annihilated Greg Brady in the first round. I mean, good God, it wasn't even close.

PROS: Washington took a bunch of under-fed, under-provisioned farmers, and not only turned them into a halfway decent Army, he took on the greatest military force in the world (at the time), and won. Not bad, George! He was also an imposing physical specimen who dabbled in boxing and wrestling, and had a notoriously short temper to boot.

CONS: Washington's military record, Revolutionary heroics aside, is actually pretty spotty. And, um... yeah.

Grover Cleveland
24nd President of the United States
Served: 1893-1897
Age during term: 55-59

Arena Experience: Grover Cleveland barely survived his 1st Round match, earning only 51.4% of the vote. That being said, Cleveland was pretty evenly matched; his opponent was himself. We imagine the Clash of the Clevelands looked a lot like George and Oscar Bluth fighting each other.

PROS: Cleveland the Elder has a history of winning, even when he loses (like in the Election of 1888). And while he was eight years older than his younger self, nothing makes a man feel younger than being married to a vivacious woman 27 years younger. Plus, he's bested himself, so you can think of that as figuratively defeating his inner-demons.

CONS: Cleveland isn't much of a fighter. In fact, the only reason why he advanced to the 2nd Round is because he was fighting himself. In other words, either Cleveland was guaranteed a spot in the 2nd Round regardless of the outcome of the fight. Also, the one who advanced also happened to have mouth cancer, so he's not in the best health.

The Fight
Tony: This is a tough one, I mean, on the one hand, you have a tall, lean, military badass who had experience with wrestling and boxing, and notoriously short fuse. On the other, you have a shortish, not-so-lean opportunist with a cancer-ridden body. I'm telling you, our voters certainly have their work cut out for them this time!

Okay- pop quiz time! In the preceding paragraph, was I being: a) sarcastic, b) sincere, or c) John Malkovich?

Choice C is looking pretty good.

Doug: d) a jerk. Not for anything that you said, in specific. There are some jerk undertones I can't help but notice. You also earn jerk points for making me add the correct choice, thereby trying to make me look like a jerk. So on second thought, the answer should be e) a double-jerk.

Tony: The only double jerk here is this delicious Jamaican chicken I'm munching on.

Doug: So if you're not a double jerk, are you saying you're a triple jerk? I wasn't going to say anything, but I was kind of thinking that double jerk wasn't quite telling the whole story. If you're comfortable with being a triple jerk, then who am I to argue?

Tony: Sigh. Well, I could do this all day, just go 'round and 'round in a pathetic circle jerk, but I'll just point out that it takes one to know one, and move on.

Doug: Then it's settled. You're not a triple jerk, you're a one-man circle jerk.

Tony: Why I oughta...

The Chief: Okay, seriously? Do not make me come over there.

Tony: *inaudible grumbling*

Doug: Anyway, Cleveland is tougher than you think. He kept his cancer a secret because he knew that if he had cancer, there would be panic. "If a toughie like Cleveland has cancer," I'd imagine an 1890s person would say, "what hope do I have?" So he kept quiet about the cancer and had it removed "while on vacation."

On a boat. Show me a guy who looks at the medical technology the 1890s has to offer and says, "Yup, give me oral surgery. Wait, let's make things interesting. Let's do this on a boat," and I'll show you an Arena contender.

He had his swim trunks and his flippie-floppies.

Tony: Wait, Cleveland didn't want there to be a panic? There must be something I'm missing in this scenario, because all I can think is that Adalai Stevenson was some sort of not-too-secret terrorist, meaning that Cleveland was the last line of defense against total anarchy.

The face of anarchy. Only not.

And no, I don't give Cleveland extra credit for having his surgery on a boat. Why should I? That's just reckless behavior, right there. He tries to pull the arena-equivalent of that move, and George Washington's going to kick him into oblivion.

Doug: Yeah, Cleveland didn't want there to be panic. That's just kind of the way things worked back then. For example, while William McKinley was in Buffalo — during the trip where he was eventually assassinated — he visited Niagara Falls and even went on the Honeymoon Bridge, but refused to step into Canada because he didn't want there to be panic. Apparently, we were thought to be more prone to panic back then.

Sure the idea of undergoing surgery on a boat to keep avoid a panic sounds dumb nowadays, but Cleveland did what he hand to do to get things done. The U.S. had order and he beat cancer. This time around, the Round of 16 will have Cleveland and he'll beat Washington.

Tony: This continued talk of "panic" still isn't making sense. Did McKinley think that if he stepped foot on Canadian soil, people were going to think he was defecting? I'll admit, having a sitting president defect to another country would definitely be newsworthy, but panic-worthy?

Doug: Don't ask me to explain the minds of the late 19th century American, but yes, McKinley didn't want word getting around that he left the country, even if it was for a few minutes. Yeah, it's silly. Whatever.

Tony: We're getting off point again. Seems like Cleveland's fear of panic led him to make some questionable decisions. What happens when he, himself is panicking? I only ask because once Washington starts throwing haymakers, whatever strategy Cleveland was thinking of using is going to be thrown out the window. Then, he's going to panic, and it's not going to be pretty.

Doug: Cleveland has no reason to panic. Let's not forget who Grover Cleveland faced in the 1st Round: himself! He was whisked away into the Arena only to see a younger version of himself. If I were ever in this situation, my first impulse would probably harmonize be to Queen songs with myself like this guy did. Cleveland didn't panic. He decided to be rid of his his other self, no questions asked, which would almost be the furthest thing from my mind. What would be the furthest thing from my mind? Orgy with a relative, like this guy did.

Imagine how difficult it is to win a fight against yourself. Your opponent knows all of your weak points and how to shut down your strengths. Cleveland won despite the perfect match, the cancer, the supposed reckless surgery and the fact that he had eight years on his opponent.

Cleveland won't panic. He's seen it all, and he knows the sooner he beats whomever shows up, the sooner he can go home to his super-young wife. 

Well played, Cleveland.

The Chief: Well, that was more bickering than usual. Even for you two. As always, polls close 9am Friday MDT. Vote! Comment! Your country needs you.

Washington vs. Cleveland

"I Lost," Jefferson Declared Independently

Thomas Jefferson must feel like this...

... because Thomas Whitmore blew it up in the Arena. Like a maniac.

Whitmore vs. Jefferson

Thomas J. Whitmore	18 (69.2%)
Thomas Jefferson	8  (30.8%)

You would think, in another world, these two would have plenty to pal around about. Both Toms have a really strong connection the Fourth of July. They would probably throw the biggest, baddest barbecue in the land.

Sadly, that's not what the Arena is all about.

It's about figuring out which presidents would respond to adversity by using the crane kick and which one would not. Sadly for Jefferson supporters, he is the latter.

Whitmore survives to see 2012 — coincidentally, the title of another Roland Emmerich film — and will face Kang from The Simpsons Jan. 2. Wait — the alien is going up against the alien killer? Great job, HttCttD voters!

Seriously. (Click for actual GIF-ness.)

Join us next week when George Washington faces Grover Cleveland (the elder).

Four More for Whitmore?

Doug: In Monday's post, Tony referenced an article at cracked.com, which states that Thomas Whitmore would never get re-elected because his pro-nuking Houston platform. I'm not convinced. Far be it from me to argue the finer points of a fictional universe — wait, that's all I do.

Tony: Seriously, Mr. "Let Me Tell You All the Inconsistencies within the Back to the Future Movies."


Doug: God, don't get me started. Like how Doc Brown took Marty and Jennifer to 2015 to help keep Marty Jr. from committing a robbery, thereby keeping the McFly Family heading on a downward spiral. Yet he didn't even warn Marty that he was less than an hour away from being involved in a car crash that would cause him to break his hand and thereby kill any musical aspirations he had. Wouldn't that be the starting point of the downward spiral. It would lead to Marty and Jennifer sleepwalking their lives in a crappy neighborhood. If Marty and Jennifer had a better life, then Marty Jr. wouldn't feel the need to commit the robbery to try to improve his family's station in life.

No one will notice a flying DeLorean on a suburban street on a Saturday morning.

Doc could have just told Marty not to take part in a drag race about to occur, thereby avoiding having to show Marty and Jennifer their future and thereby breaking his rule that people shouldn't know too much about their future.

Tony: *ahem*

Doug: Oh. What was I saying?

Tony: Whitmore? Re-election?

Doug: Oh right. I'd have to disagree with the article. Dropping the bomb on U.S. soil or not, Whitmore would have to screw up pretty badly to lose re-election. I wouldn't normally say that for someone who orders a nuclear strike on our own cities. If Obama were to nuke Houston today, he could probably not count on re-election.

However, the person or people behind creating this poster wouldn't be surprised.

However, Whitmore was trying to destroy an alien craft hovering over the city. No, the plan didn't work and Houston was destroyed. What this article posits is that if Whitmore sat tight and waited for a drunken crop duster to accidentally figure out how to destroy these crafts ONLY AFTER a fighter pilot and a cable technician flew an alien craft to the mothership and uploaded a virus to its computer system, Whitmore wouldn't have had to order a strike on Houston.

That's a pretty big if. Also, what do you suppose these alien crafts were doing in Houston to begin with? If past experience is any indication, they weren't just passing through. If Whitmore sat back and did nothing, Houston was going to be destroyed anyway.

Though, I imagine any of Whitmore's opponents would still harp on the Houston decision. I suppose we can't really blame them, either. On paper, without thinking of the context of such actions, it sounds horrible. Yeah, and filling Houston with radiation was probably not good. Maybe Whitmore would have to make do without Texas' electoral votes.

If Whitmore is a Democrat, he probably wasn't expecting Texas anyway.
But bombing an Ohio city would probably be a bad political move.

But think of the good that he did during that whole mess. He, personally, took part in the destruction of an alien craft. That's got to win him some votes.

Who would run against him, anyway? It's not like there was anyone in Congress with any better ideas. No governor stepped up with a clear solution to defeating the invasion. The only person in Whitmore's Cabinet who might take issue with the way Whitmore handled things would be Secretary of Defense Albert Nimzicki, and he wanted to bust out the nukes sooner.

"I've been telling you to drop bombs on U.S. soil for years, Mr. President."

Tony: History shows that there's always some asshole out there who thinks they can do a better job, even if that incumbent is, say, FDR during World War II. So, who would run in the post-Independence Day America? Well, part of the answer depends on who you think would survive the alien invasion. While Washington D.C. was destroyed in the initial assault, that probably didn't do as much to take out Congress as you might think. Remember, this was around the Fourth of July, and if there's one truth about Congress, it's that Congress will seize any excuse it can to take some time off.

Oh sure, the old "giant fireball has consumed the U.S. Capitol" excuse again.

So, Congress was probably in recess, meaning its members were back in their home districts. Not all of those home districts survived, obviously, but most of the destruction took place in America's cities, leaving all those congresspeople from the 'burbs and agricultural districts, which usually house some powerful figures (Tom Daschle, for example).

Thus, once all the dust clears, you can bet all these congressmen (to hell with the gender-neutral pronoun, it'd be men) would come popping out of their holes, and they'd run platforms along the lines of "Look, I know Whitmore had a good run against the alien invaders. But those alien invaders aren't around any more! I think it's time for new leadership in New Washington D.C.!"

Doug: Well sure, I suppose someone would run against him. Every Abraham Lincoln has a George McClellan. And they get obliterated in the election. Think about FDR. He not only had Republicans against him, but he also had Democrats who didn't believe anyone should be president longer than three terms. But it didn't matter, because FDR easily won his elections.

If people think of Thomas Dewey, they think of this and not how he got his ass handed to him by FDR in 1944.

Under normal circumstances, no one is going to be able to give Whitmore that much of a challenge. Now, imagine a significant amount of the would-be talent is now dead. No one is left.

Tony: I dunno. The thing is: I wonder if we've lost our ability to fall in love with politicians, any more.  Not to get all socio-philisophical on you, or anything, but we tend to give politicians a super-short leash these days, and it seems like the "bump" that presidents give for their victories lasts all of two seconds. So the question we have to ask is, how long would it be before Whitmore ran again? The movie came out in 1996, which was obviously an election year (unless the Independance Day universe is like the West Wing universe, and elections are held in our midterm years for reasons no one ever mentions). You have to wonder: if the film was intended to be set in 1996, would Whitmore's America even be capable of holding elections five months after the film?

If there's too long of a gap between ID4 and the election, Whitmore's chances start to fade. This is the "Bush in '92" scenario, again: everyone loved him after the Gulf, but the economy tanked, and then he was vulnerable. If Whitmore can't point to significant progress post-invasion when the election rolls around, voters might take their frustrations out on him, heroics be damned.

Doug: Yeah, we don't know what year this takes place. All we know is that Whitmore has been in office long enough for the honeymoon period to be over, but it's not an election year, because that would have been mentioned four months before November. I would even go so far as to guess that it wasn't time for midterm elections, as that didn't get any mention either, putting this at 1995 (or the year before an election year).

Of course, part of that theory is based on the idea that a Hollywood blockbuster movie full of explosions would spend a considerable time discussing the political implications of said explosions.

"What do you suppose this means for the European Union?"
— No one watching Armageddon

If Operation Desert Storm had been 16 months later, it would have been a smooth election for Bush. The stakes for Whitmore are much higher though. Bush helped get the dictator of a nation the size of California out of a neighboring nation the size of New Jersey over 6,000 miles away. Whitmore helped save mankind.

"Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today ..."

Which brings me to the point that Whitmore has been known to whip up an inspirational speech or two. There was the one before the last dogfight before he suited up. Then there are the ones we don't know about, like the one that said, "Hey, I know I'm insanely young, but you should elect me anyway."

His speeches worked before. I don't know why it wouldn't work again.

The Chief: Well, regardless of whether or not you believe Whitmore could get re-elected, the main question this week is, "could he beat Thomas Jefferson in a fight?" Whitmore vs. Jefferson rages on, so be sure to be a part of the action: vote, comment and spread the word!

Whitmore vs. Jefferson

Thomas J. Whitmore
Fictional President of the United States played by Bill Pullman
Served: In the film Independence Day (1996)
Age during term: Pullman was 42 when the movie was released

Arena Experience — Whitmore beat James A. Garfield with 64.6% of the vote in his 1st Round appearance. While that percentage may not seem all that impressive, it should be noted that we had an all-time record number of voters that week. And given that a lot of the new voters were brought in from an unbiased source — as opposed to other weeks with abnormally high voting — we could assume that the sample size was large enough to paint a more accurate picture.

PROS: Whitmore's a young guy — possibly entered office in his 30s — who is also a twice-over war hero. He fought in the Persian Gulf War, and he led a squadron fighting off the massive alien invasion in which millions upon millions of people died. Yes, as president. So, he's ready for a fight when needed.

CONS: His pre-Arena fighting experience is less-than stellar and includes a fist fight with uber-nerd David Levinson, who survived without any permanent injuries. Also, Whitmore has a hard time commanding respect; or at least he did before he helped beat the aliens.

Thomas Jefferson
3rd President of the United States
Served: 1801-09
Ages Served: 57-65

Arena Experience — In a light-voting week, Jefferson gained about 61% of the vote against the fictional Mackenzie Allen from the show Commander In Chief. Rowing enthusiasts everywhere wept at the result.

PROS: As President, Jefferson is something of a loose cannon, as evidenced by his handling of the whole Louisiana Purchase situation, and the subsequent taxation of the United States' newest (un-represented) citizens.

CONS: Jefferson's fighting ability (outside of the arena) is about nil. He was an amazing writer, a passionate lover, but a fighter? Not so much.

The Fight

Tony: You know, on paper, this may not seem like anything of a match. On the one hand, you have Whitmore: destroyer of aliens. On the other, Thomas Jefferson, all-around smarty pants. Brains vs. brawn, only in a format that only rewards the abilities of brawn. Case closed, right? Wrong!

First, let's call Jefferson what he is: a nerd. Yes, the third president of the United States was a big ol' nerd, a nerdy mcNerditroid to the max, as it were. What's Whitmore's track record with nerds? Oh, that's right-- they punch him out. Jefferson and Whitmore are going to get into the arena. Whitmore's gonna think he has easy pickings. Then Jefferson is going to deliver a wicked one-liner, probably in French, and Whitmore will be studying his own ass, having received it from Jefferson just moments before.

Doug: Whoa! Whitmore has never, to our knowledge, gotten punched out to anyone. The story goes that David Levinson got the element of surprise on Whitmore and punched him and Whitmore punched him back. No one claimed to punch anyone out. The fight probably ended early because someone broke it up. Had they been in the Arena, things would have been different — and Levinson wouldn't have the luxury of uploading a virus to Whitmore via some mid-'90s laptop.

"Aww, crap. Give me a minute and let me Force Quit."

Jefferson was very fortunate the first time. We don't know how America's Bookworm defeated an athlete in the 1st Round, but that luck is going to end at the fighter pilot.

Tony: Well, see, that's just what Whitmore wants you to think. He's a macho fighter pilot! He's not going to want to admit he got slapped around by the Fly! So he downgrades the whole experience to "oh, we just traded punches and then it got broken up." Pride = saved. And since he didn't face another nerd in round one, he was home free!

This time, however, he faces not only a nerd, but a gangly nerd at that. Will Jefferson's lank come into play, here? Actually, I have no idea, since Whitmore isn't exactly a heavy lourde himself. Whatever. Jefferson's got this.

Doug: Oh, I see. You're saying Levinson mopped the floor with Whitmore, and now Whitmore is downplaying the fight as an elaborate cover-up. Quite the controversy EXCEPT we've never heard Whitmore even mentioning the fight. Levinson was the one downplaying the severity of the fight. If Whitmore is trying to keep the fight secret, it's because he doesn't want word getting out that he's a nerd-beater. Nerds have a pretty high voter turnout rate, and it would be political suicide to run on the "I fight nerds" platform.

And not everyone will understand their protest signs.

And are you suggesting that Whitmore does very well against Civil War major generals, like James Garfield, but fighting nerds is somehow beyond him? I'm curious as to how that works.

Tony: I can't really get in Levinson's head about the whole fight fiasco. I mean, all I know about that guy is that he's handy with an old school MacBook, and that he thinks you must go faster. Oh, and he thought he was part of something special. But I digress.

It's true that Whitmore beat Garfield like a drum. However, I would like to posit the following: for every Achillies, there is a heel. For every Superman, there is a kryptonite. For every well-placed hunter trap, there is a stealthed rogue. What I'm driving at is that everyone has a weakness. Whitmore's weakness could very well be nerds, and that's not going to go well for him.

Another weakness? Planning ahead. Which is my awkward transition to a recent article by the fine folks over at Cracked, pointing out that Whitmore might not be able to win reelection. This guy is going to beat a Founding Father in the Arena? Not bloody likely.

Doug: Okay, I suppose there is a possibility that Whitmore's weakness is nerds. But there's no real proof this is true and since we're pulling something out of thin air, I'm going to go ahead and posit that Jefferson's weakness (aside from the complete lack of fighting of experience, which history has already proven) could be widowers.

Ehh, it kind of makes sense. Jefferson's a widower, so he's knows what Whitmore is going through, so he holds back. I don't know. It makes more sense than "Fighter pilot can't beat up nerds."

As for the Cracked article, this proves nothing. Whitmore wasn't worried about re-election, he was worried about getting rid of the aliens. If he didn't get rid of the aliens, there wasn't going to be another election. He did what he could to win this war with the aliens. The only people he killed by nuking Houston were the ones who stayed in one of the nation's remaining populated cities — despite what was happening to other major metropolitan areas around the world — who were about to get vaporized anyway. So this only proves that Whitmore will do whatever he can to win.

Jefferson is Houston. And he has a problem. And I'm not talking about the abysmal Astros.

HEY-O! They were terrible this year. And I'm a Met fan, so I know terrible baseball.

The Chief: You realize the original quote was "Houston, we've had a problem," and not "Houston, we have a problem," right?

Ugh. Damn pop culture-obsessed jerks don't even know the real quote. They just go with what was in the movie. Lousy kids — Anyway, polls close Friday at 9am, MDT.

Whitmore vs. Jefferson

Crushing Defeat for Some, Miniature American Flags for Others!

Okay, "crushing" is maybe a bit of a reach, but still, there will be partying in the streets of Earth Capital this weekend as Kang celebrates another victory.

Party details are minimal, as no one knows where Earth Capital is.

Monroe vs. Kang

James Monroe	9  (45%)
Kang	11 (55%)

Voting was close all week, with Monroe hanging tough, but never quite breaking through. In the end,  Kang eked out a victory, and a trip to the third round. Interestingly, the commentariat was solidly behind Monroe:

Yes... so to speak.

Kang will be ringing in 2012 with his Round of 16 appearance Jan. 2. Join us next week when Independence Day's Thomas J. Whitmore will face Thomas Jefferson — Two Tumultuous Toms.

The Office of Statistical Overinformation

What could be more fun than imagining an alternate reality where 64 presidents — most dead, some of them fake, a few animated, one not even ever president and two doubles — were entered in a tournament to fight each other? Analyzing the results from the 1st Round of said tournament, naturally.

These figures reflect only the 1st Round. Don't worry, the Round Two's fights will get their day of statistical fun. Or possibly, several days, depending on how many Wednesday posts we need to fill out.

Out of the 19 fictional characters entered in the pool, 10 (53.6%) moved on to the 2nd Round.

Out of 30 of the 32 fights, the older combatant won in 18 fights, or 60% of the time. We left out two fights: Kennedy vs. Dave and Kang vs. Garfield. We don't know how old Dave is, but it's very close to JFK's age, so there's no way of even estimating that. We don't know how old Kang is and ditto about even estimating that. Also, would that be in Earth years? How does that translate to Kang's species? Yeah, we'll never know.

Ronald Reagan beat Rutherford B. Hayes, who was nearly two decades younger when he was in office.

The president who served later won 62.5% of the time. Interestingly enough, the president who served latest, Nixon's Head — who served in the early 31st century — lost, while the earliest president, George Washington — 1789-1797 — won.

When it comes to statistics, it's nice to be able to weed out the extreme cases.

The taller president won 82.1% of the time.

Jed Bartlet, the shortest winner at 5'7", beat a six-foot John Tyler.

There are a few missing from this figure. There were a few instances where this could not be calculated. For example, Grover Cleveland was probably the same height as his opponent: Grover Cleveland.

Hmm, looks about the same.

Did someone ask for pie chart madness?

Combatants going into 1st Round, by Party:

Democrat    19    29.69%

Democrat-Republican    4    6.25%

Federalist    1    1.56%

Republican    20    31.25%

Unaffiliated    3    4.69%

Unknown    13    20.31%

Whig    4    6.25%

Going into the second round, things look like this:

Democrat    13    40.63%

Democrat-Republican    2    6.25%

Federalist    0    0.00%

Republican    8    25.00%

Unaffiliated    1    3.13%

Unknown    7    21.88%

Whig    1    3.13%

The Republicans went from 20 to 8? Well, damn.

Most important of all? The combatants argued by Tony won 62.5% of the time.

When reached for comment, Tony had this to say:

Doug's reaction, meanwhile, was slightly more understated:

Exit polls showed that both fared about the same in terms of getting their fictional presidents to win. Tony won 4 out of 7 (57.1%) in getting them to win, while Doug went 6 for 12 (50%). When we start discussing real presidents is when Doug really stunk it up. Tony went 16 for 24 (64%), while Doug only managed to get 6 out of 20 (30%).

Hey, lookit, a new kind of chart!

Help us generate more data for statistical analysis fun by voting in this weeks match between James Monroe and Kang from The Simpsons. We'll see you Friday!

Monroe vs. Kang

James Monroe
5th President of the United States
Served: 1817-1825
Ages during term: 58-66

Arena Experience: Monroe battered his way past the Love Actually guy in the first round, picking up 63.6% of the vote along the way.

PROS: Spent the Revolutionary War being a total badass, then proceeded to tell Europe to keep their damn dirty hands off the entire Western Hemisphere. Dude was unaccustomed to taking shit from the old world, basically.

CONS: Monroe's presidential races were somewhat devoid of opposition, meaning he might not be used to challenges by the time he gets in the Arena. Also, he was kinda one of those "last of his generation" guys, and you never know if those guys are going to go out with a bang, or a whimper.

Kang
Elected President of the United States in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VII
Voiced by Harry Shearer
Age: Who knows?

Arena Experience: Kang obliterated James Buchanan in the 1st Round, earning 86.7%. Buchanan never really stood a chance.

PROS: He has years of experience observing the human condition, and he has a history of using this knowledge to his advantage. If he can rig an election, he could probably take one in a fight, and the fact that he's much bigger and has more limbs helps.

CONS: During his last fight, there was a question of whether or not Kang would be able to survive without his suit. He also once got spooked when he got chased by a bartender wielding a board with a nail in it.

The Fight
Doug: I believe our last debate on Kang ended in a deadlock. We couldn't agree on how he would fare without his space suit. All we know for sure is that while walking around Earth for extended periods without a space helmet, he will occasionally need to exchange long-protein strings with another Rigelian.

That may have been a cover-up for Bob Dole and Bill Clinton being seen
holding hands on multiple occasions during the 1996 presidential election.

Beyond that, it's up to our imagination. You theorized that he breathes with the help of some unseen technology, which would not be allowed in the ring, while I said it was possible that an unseen organ could serve as an air reserve, which would be allowed.

Since neither can be proved or disproved, we'll have to have the voters weigh in. And last time they did that, Kang slithered away with nearly seven out of eight votes. Kang knows how to rip apart a puny human before running out of air.

Tony: Yes, the voters had their say, but I think Kang is up against a somewhat more formidable opponent this time around. After all James Buchanan was an indecisive diplomat and academic. Monroe, on the other hand, spent a considerable chunk of the Revolutionary War kicking ass and taking names, and when he got into the White House, he didn't dither around. He grabbed Florida from Spain, and then told all of Europe to go hang.

Now, I'm not gonna say that Monroe is not going to freak out a bit when he first gets a look at Kang. However, once Monroe goes to battle, he's not going to back down until his foe is vanquished.

Doug: Granted, Monroe's going to make things more interesting than Buchanan did, but he's still no match against the Rigelian.

And I believe you may be giving Monroe a little too much credit about entering a ring and seeing Kang. He's going to freak out a bit when he sees himself on the Arena's JumboVision. Granted, he would have seen that in the previous round, but it's still just as shocking to him the second time around, I'm sure. Then he'll get a load of the 10-foot alien he's supposed to fight. He may need to change his knee breeches after that.

Tony: Well, I'm gonna say that you're probably giving too much credit to Kang's intimidation factor. After all, he did get scared off by the old "board with a nail in it" maneuver. I realize Monroe can't pull that same trick, but who's to say there aren't other weird things that Kang is scared of? Perhaps he's as terrified of his competitors as they are of him! His bravado is just a shield masking his insecurities! Monroe, ever the tactician, will sense this, and unleash a righteous whooping.

Doug: I can't really explain the board with a nail in it incident. Maybe it was first-time invasion jitters that are clearly out of his system by now. By this time, he has already enslaved humanity and vaporized the entire audience of The Jerry Springer Show.

Easily the best thing for humanity to ever occur during a taping of The Jerry Springer Show.

He's even a veteran of the Arena. There won't be a repeat of the board incident.

After studying humans for as long he has, he's not going to be terrified of James Monroe. Maybe worried that he'll get Monroe blood in his giant eye, but even that won't be a major problem for Kang.

Tony: Well, sounds to me like Kang is a guy with issues. And you know, I'll respect that. I mean, we've all got our foibles. I, for example, face many challenges on account of how unnaturally good looking I am. Kang's issues, however, seem to run pretty deep. I mean, if an angry bartender ran at me with a nail in a board, I would be unnerved, yes, and would attempt to extract myself from the situation as quickly as possible. Would I extract myself from an entire planetary invasion? Not so much.

Kang's mask of bravado is going to come undone in this next fight. You could say he's going to get… *sunglasses* Monrolled.

Doug: Yeah, I'd have to agree with Roger Daltrey and the Miami skyline on that one. That was a bit of a stretch.

The Chief: Tough crowd. As always, polls close Friday, 9am MDT.