Crushing Defeat for Some, Miniature American Flags for Others!

Okay, "crushing" is maybe a bit of a reach, but still, there will be partying in the streets of Earth Capital this weekend as Kang celebrates another victory.

Party details are minimal, as no one knows where Earth Capital is.

Monroe vs. Kang

James Monroe	9  (45%)
Kang	11 (55%)

Voting was close all week, with Monroe hanging tough, but never quite breaking through. In the end,  Kang eked out a victory, and a trip to the third round. Interestingly, the commentariat was solidly behind Monroe:

Yes... so to speak.

Kang will be ringing in 2012 with his Round of 16 appearance Jan. 2. Join us next week when Independence Day's Thomas J. Whitmore will face Thomas Jefferson — Two Tumultuous Toms.

Monroe vs. Kang

James Monroe
5th President of the United States
Served: 1817-1825
Ages during term: 58-66

Arena Experience: Monroe battered his way past the Love Actually guy in the first round, picking up 63.6% of the vote along the way.

PROS: Spent the Revolutionary War being a total badass, then proceeded to tell Europe to keep their damn dirty hands off the entire Western Hemisphere. Dude was unaccustomed to taking shit from the old world, basically.

CONS: Monroe's presidential races were somewhat devoid of opposition, meaning he might not be used to challenges by the time he gets in the Arena. Also, he was kinda one of those "last of his generation" guys, and you never know if those guys are going to go out with a bang, or a whimper.

Kang
Elected President of the United States in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VII
Voiced by Harry Shearer
Age: Who knows?

Arena Experience: Kang obliterated James Buchanan in the 1st Round, earning 86.7%. Buchanan never really stood a chance.

PROS: He has years of experience observing the human condition, and he has a history of using this knowledge to his advantage. If he can rig an election, he could probably take one in a fight, and the fact that he's much bigger and has more limbs helps.

CONS: During his last fight, there was a question of whether or not Kang would be able to survive without his suit. He also once got spooked when he got chased by a bartender wielding a board with a nail in it.

The Fight
Doug: I believe our last debate on Kang ended in a deadlock. We couldn't agree on how he would fare without his space suit. All we know for sure is that while walking around Earth for extended periods without a space helmet, he will occasionally need to exchange long-protein strings with another Rigelian.

That may have been a cover-up for Bob Dole and Bill Clinton being seen
holding hands on multiple occasions during the 1996 presidential election.

Beyond that, it's up to our imagination. You theorized that he breathes with the help of some unseen technology, which would not be allowed in the ring, while I said it was possible that an unseen organ could serve as an air reserve, which would be allowed.

Since neither can be proved or disproved, we'll have to have the voters weigh in. And last time they did that, Kang slithered away with nearly seven out of eight votes. Kang knows how to rip apart a puny human before running out of air.

Tony: Yes, the voters had their say, but I think Kang is up against a somewhat more formidable opponent this time around. After all James Buchanan was an indecisive diplomat and academic. Monroe, on the other hand, spent a considerable chunk of the Revolutionary War kicking ass and taking names, and when he got into the White House, he didn't dither around. He grabbed Florida from Spain, and then told all of Europe to go hang.

Now, I'm not gonna say that Monroe is not going to freak out a bit when he first gets a look at Kang. However, once Monroe goes to battle, he's not going to back down until his foe is vanquished.

Doug: Granted, Monroe's going to make things more interesting than Buchanan did, but he's still no match against the Rigelian.

And I believe you may be giving Monroe a little too much credit about entering a ring and seeing Kang. He's going to freak out a bit when he sees himself on the Arena's JumboVision. Granted, he would have seen that in the previous round, but it's still just as shocking to him the second time around, I'm sure. Then he'll get a load of the 10-foot alien he's supposed to fight. He may need to change his knee breeches after that.

Tony: Well, I'm gonna say that you're probably giving too much credit to Kang's intimidation factor. After all, he did get scared off by the old "board with a nail in it" maneuver. I realize Monroe can't pull that same trick, but who's to say there aren't other weird things that Kang is scared of? Perhaps he's as terrified of his competitors as they are of him! His bravado is just a shield masking his insecurities! Monroe, ever the tactician, will sense this, and unleash a righteous whooping.

Doug: I can't really explain the board with a nail in it incident. Maybe it was first-time invasion jitters that are clearly out of his system by now. By this time, he has already enslaved humanity and vaporized the entire audience of The Jerry Springer Show.

Easily the best thing for humanity to ever occur during a taping of The Jerry Springer Show.

He's even a veteran of the Arena. There won't be a repeat of the board incident.

After studying humans for as long he has, he's not going to be terrified of James Monroe. Maybe worried that he'll get Monroe blood in his giant eye, but even that won't be a major problem for Kang.

Tony: Well, sounds to me like Kang is a guy with issues. And you know, I'll respect that. I mean, we've all got our foibles. I, for example, face many challenges on account of how unnaturally good looking I am. Kang's issues, however, seem to run pretty deep. I mean, if an angry bartender ran at me with a nail in a board, I would be unnerved, yes, and would attempt to extract myself from the situation as quickly as possible. Would I extract myself from an entire planetary invasion? Not so much.

Kang's mask of bravado is going to come undone in this next fight. You could say he's going to get… *sunglasses* Monrolled.

Doug: Yeah, I'd have to agree with Roger Daltrey and the Miami skyline on that one. That was a bit of a stretch.

The Chief: Tough crowd. As always, polls close Friday, 9am MDT.

The Doctrine Is In

Don't call it a comeback.


As of yesterday morning, Thornton's president was trailing by a pretty big margin. Then his supporters came roaring in. Well, it's probably more fair to say "trickling in," as it wasn't enough to push him ahead of James Monroe.

Unnamed vs. Monroe

Unnamed President	8 (36.4%)
James Monroe	14 (63.6%)

What it might boil down to is that the fact that Unnamed President doesn't have a painting of himself like the one of Monroe seen above. By the way, anyone have an idea why the painting shows the White House on fire? That happened on James Madison's watch, not Monroe's.

The comment of the week argues that fight all comes down to the name.


How good of a fighter could he be if the guy didn't have a name? Valid point — ignoring the irony that it's coming from an anonymous source.

By the way, that bit about the two Monroes being related needed some extra investigation. If you consult Google, the first item in the search essentially tells you this:

It sounds like a valid answer for about a fraction of a second. Then you realize, wait, that doesn't really answer the question at all. Mostly because Marilyn, like most people, was related to her own grandmother.

Digging deeper, I found that she said in her autobiography that she had been told that she was related to Mr. President at some point in her life, but there was no evidence to backing up a relation.

So what do all the people know about the Monroes? Apparently nothing.

James Monroe is scheduled to return for his 2nd Round match Sept. 19.
Next week, things get a little intergalactic as Kang from The Simpsons takes on James Buchanan.

Unnamed vs. Monroe

Unnamed President
(Portrayed by Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually)
Age: Thornton was 48 when the movie was filmed

PROS: Slick — we don't know much about this guy, but we know he was something of a smooth operator. Indeed, he was charismatic, something of a lothario... It would help if maybe we knew something about the man they based the character on, but —

Oh.

Basically, what we're trying to say is, the guy was probably loaded with enough testosterone to make him a formidable adversary.

Obscurity — Obviously, there's a lot we don't know about this guy. On the other hand, doesn't that mean we can use him as a blank slate? Yes, commenters, the only limit to this man's powers is... your IMAGINATION!

CONS: Poor timing/impulse control — For those of you who haven't seen Love Actually, here's what goes down (don't worry, I'm only spoiling about 1/16th of the plot for you). So, we open with the election of a hot, dynamic, young, and single British prime minister. Again, it's hard to tell who this might be based on —

Oh. Well, except for the single part, I guess.

Anyway, our young PM is played by Hugh Grant. So, Hugh Grant's hot, dynamic, etc. PM soon meets Natalie, a hot, dynamic, young single lady. Well, by "meet," we mean that her job is to serve him tea. Anyway, chemistry ensues. Unfortunately, President Billy Bob arrives for a summit during the "we haven't really acted on any of this" phase, and wouldn't you know, Natalie is sent to deliver the president some tea. Whereupon Hugh Grant walks in to find them totally making out.

Awkward.

In response, Hugh Grant drops a little bomb on the president on his way out the door, and I'd totally show you what it was, but YouTube won't let me, so we'll all have to be content with a link. Which is a shame.

Fine, we'll throw in a picture, too.

Point is, president chucklepants over here may have damaged the United States' relationship with a crucial ally, just over some dame in a skirt. To be fair, surely he didn't know about the Hugh Grant/Natalie flirtatiousness... but we're guessing he didn't ask too much about her status, either. Nice going.

Obscurity — Remember everything I just said about how his character was a blank slate that we could project on? Well, we can project weaknesses as well as strengths, can't we? Just throwing that out there.

James Monroe
5th President of the United States
Served: 1817-1825
Ages during term: 58-66

PROS: Surprisingly bad ass — While Monroe was attending the College of William & Mary, he joined a group that raided the arsenal Governor's Palace for weapons for the Williamsburg militia. He later dropped out of school to join the Continental Army.

During the Revolutionary War, Monroe was shot in the shoulder. He was also supposedly portrayed in two famous John Trumbull paintings.


And if Trumbull concentrated on one thing, it was historical accuracy in his paintings.

He claimed an ENTIRE hemisphere — In 1823, after much of Latin America had declared independence from their European colonial powers, he declared that the Americas should be free from future European colonization. The U.S. would stay neutral in wars involving still-existing colonies and their powers. But, he also declared that any act of aggression against a sovereign nation in the Western Hemisphere would be an act against the U.S.

There was no way the U.S. had the military to back up the Monroe Doctrine. Europe could have just ignored this talk from a still-wet-behind-the-ears nation and recolonized Latin America, but they didn't. Britain even agreed to help the U.S. enforce the doctrine, even though these two nations had just finished fighting less than a decade earlier.

Monroe said. It happened. End of story. And it shaped the future of U.S. foreign policy.

CONS: Not used to real opposition — Monroe, a Democratic-Republican, had the advantage of running for president just as their rival Federalist Party was dissolving. In 1816, Monroe easily beat Federalist candidate, Rufus King, with 68% of the popular vote. By the time 1820 rolled around, the Federalists only remained in a few states, so they had no candidate. As a result, Monroe ran unopposed, though a New Hampshire elector threw a vote towards John Quincy Adams. He and George Washington remain the only presidential candidates to run unopposed. (George Washington did it twice. But, c'mon, he was Washington.)

I sure hope he doesn't expect the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™ to be as easy as the Election of 1820. Because, let me tell you; it's not.


Maybe his anger for New Hampshire Elector William Plumer could fuel Monroe's ire.

He was the last of a dying breed — Monroe was the last president to have fought in the Revolutionary War. He was the last to wear powdered wigs knee breeches. He even tried to be like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson and up and died on the fifth anniversary of their deaths.

Monroe signals the end of a generation. Albeit, it's probably the greatest in our nation's history (you want to fight us on this one, Brokaw?) but how much fight is left in these scrappy folks by the time Monroe takes office?

The Fight

Doug: Both President Skirt Chaser — would it have killed Richard Curtis to name the president? — and James Monroe would be remembered for their foreign policy. Monroe, in a well-calculated move, proclaimed our spot on the world stage and told Europe to stay out of the Western Hemisphere and they did. President First Base, on the other hand, shot the U.S. in the foot and made us looking like Yankee cowboy assholes, which is not something we were used to in 2003.

Tony: Whoa, we weren't used to looking like Yankee cowboy assholes in 2003? Really? I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I mean, we had to have at least used up our supply of post-2001 good vibes by then, otherwise, there wouldn't have been that super-British-pride involved in the press conference scene.

Doug: Ugh. Your sarcasm detector is on the fritz. Of course we were used to looking like YCAs in 2003. We bullied other nations into helping us invade another nation all on false pretenses.

Tony: We sure as hell did! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Wait...

Doug: Anyway, Mr. No Name is going to go into the arena with absolutely no plan. He'll just go in as his slick self and hope that it works. It didn't work with...


... The Prime Minister? Wait, Hugh Grant's character didn't have a name either? You're killing me, Curtis. I know that movie had, like, 50-something central characters, but if you run out of fake names, just go to the phone book and pick a first and last name at random.

I digress. The President's impulsive nature may have gotten him into the White House, and into the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™ by extension, but it also gets him into trouble. And when it does, shit goes south.

Tony: See, I don't know if the president's "no plan" plan didn't work. I mean, think about it — he basically gets everything he wants out of the summit itself. Then, at the end, PM Poncey-pants finally grows a pair and says "well, next time, you'd better watch out." But that's all talk. The next time they get together, the president is probably just going to bitch-slap the little snot back into line.

Doug: Okay, you raise a good point. Next time, the PM might lose his nerve and allow himself to get kicked around by the president again. However, there is no next time in the arena. Just a decorated Revolutionary War veteran who won't take any shit.

Tony: Meh, I dunno if Unnamed is going to be intimidated by Monroe. He's probably just going to see someone dressed up for a costume party. Easy pickings!

Doug: Well, since we're allowed to make up things about Unnamed, then I give him hemophilia. Dude can't stop bleeding. Ooh, tough break. Blood is everywhere. It's not long before the place looks like a fake Sam Peckinpah film.

Tony: If we're making stuff up — then I give Mr. Unnamed President a Hulk-like reaction to wig powder. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!



Doug: I imagine that whole thing might be quite frightening. I mean for Mr. Unnamed. He was born over a century after powdered wigs fell out of fashion. And it's not like they came back later with a different name, like bellbottoms / flares, they just disappeared completely. This is is first time being exposed to wig powder, so when he transforms into the Hulk, there must be a few moments of "What the hell is happening to me?" before he realizes that this transformation makes him stronger. Monroe didn't back away from the Hessians in the Battle of Trenton, I can't imagine he'd stop here. By that time, I'm sure Monroe had broken skin somewhere.

Tony: You're not wrong about Unnamed freaking out when he transforms for what is likely the first time, but I'd remind you that the original Hulk probably went through the same thing, and he didn't wind up curling into the fetal position. Instead, he broke shit. Ergo, Monroe's not going to need a Doctorine...


... he's gonna need a Doctor.


As always, polls close Friday, 9 a.m. Mountain Time.

Vote & comment!

Unnamed vs. Monroe