Harry Gives 'em Hell

Harry S Truman has made sure that Silent Cal stops here.

Not only did Truman survive this week's fight with Coolidge, but he also survived the supposed end of the world. By the way, we'd like to wish our Harold Camping followers a happy and safe voyage to heaven on this supposed Judgment Day.

Truman vs. Coolidge

Harry S Truman	20 (76.9%)
Calvin Coolidge	6  (23.1%)

We'd have to say, Coolidge really didn't have much going for him in this fight, and the commentariat pretty much agreed.

It's almost fitting that this week's COTW should go to CotE:

After doing some light Internet research, we found out that this is apparently very true.

It actually makes for quite the entrance.
Suck it, Hail to the Chief!

At least, that's what the episode of Futurama titled Roswell That Ends Well says.

Although, while we at HttCttD are completely willing to buy into the idea that a former U.S. President used to be transported in crates of rations, we would be remiss if we did not clear up a misconception about the great State of New Mexico — the state whose fertile bosom was the birthplace of Hail to the Chief... to the DEATH.

There aren't any military bases near Roswell, at least not within a 2-hour drive. The atomic bomb testing site — the Trinity Site — is also about just as far from Roswell; not that that matters, because there were no atomic weapons tested during the entire year of 1947.

But all of that is fine, because A) Futurama is made by math and science nerds, not history nerds and B) some artistic license can be taken, especially if it's to create a universe where Fry is his own grandfather.

That last bit should have come with a spoiler alert, by the way.
Truman moves on to the Round of 16 and is scheduled to fight Jan. 16. Join us next week when Deep Impact's Tom Beck is set to face Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan.

Truman vs. Coolidge

Harry S Truman

33rd President of the United States
Served: 1945-1953
Age during term: 60-68

Arena Experience: Faced off against James K. Polk in the first round, and walked away from that match with 70.2% of the vote, so suck it, Polk!

Pros: Truman was an ornery old cuss, with quick enough thinking that he was able to bluff his way past an eye exam and enlist in World War I. He was also, and there's no other way to put this, hella-cold-blooded, what with wanting to kill Every German Ever during WWI, and then ending WWII with atomic bombs. To sum up, tough, smart, and cold-blooded. Makes for a solid Arena fighter, no?

Cons: Truman's political success owed a bit too much to powerful friends (read: political operative and Masons), who chose what positions he would run for. He also had a knack for making certain decisions rather impulsively, which as a rule, is not the best thing to do when locked in the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™.

Calvin Coolidge
30th President of the United States
Served 1923-1929
Age during term: 51-56

Arena Experience: Coolidge proved that silent could be deadly when he beat Julia Mansfield from the short-lived '80s sitcom Hail to the Chief with 76.2% of the vote. He probably got strong support from voters who saw Hail to the Chief and wanted to exact revenge.

PROS: Silent Cal was a man of a few words. Instead of flapping his gums with rhetoric, he's probably just thinking of ways to tear his opponents apart with his bare hands. Don't think a guy with no military experience could do that? Coolidge passed the bar without attending law school, so he knows how to get by with little experience.

CONS: The guy who pushed his lassiez-faire agenda — possibly worsening the Great Depression for us — may take that "do nothing" attitude to the Arena, as if the invisible hand of capitalism will help him in the Arena. He also kind of lost his push when he tragically lost his son. He may be looking for a reunion in the afterlife.

The Fight

Doug: I'm going to keep my first round of debate brief, as I believe this argument is, without a doubt, the best argument for anything mankind has ever made for anything. I find it is simple, straight to the point and smart without coming off as too condescending.

This is a slight alteration from the original, which featured an over-imaginative and intelligent, yet underachieving, first-grade boy urinating on a brand logo of inferior quality. I have seen this many times, usually on the rear windshields of trucks of, I'm can only assume, fans of the newspaper comic featuring the boy which hasn't printed in almost 15 years. I cropped head of the 30th President of the United States over the head of the delightful scamp because they both share the same first name: Calvin.

Simply put, as the image illustrates, Coolidge pees on Truman.

Your move.

Tony: Interesting premise. Flawed, but interesting. No, to really get to the meat of this argument, we have to dig into the names themselves. So: Coolidge. Cool Lidge? Is this some sort of endorsement of Philadelphia Phillies relief pitcher Brad Lidge? Dude was hurt this season, and only pitched 19 1/3 innings. I don't see how that's supposed to help Coolidge, at all.

Truman, on the other hand… I mean, just look at it. True Man. True Man! Your pathetic little closer is going up against a powerhouse of masculinity. That's no contest. It's so little of a contest that the light from "contests" will not reach Coolidge vs. Truman for 10,000 years.

And we can take this further! What was Coolidge's middle initial? No one knows, or cares, because he sucked. What about Truman? His middle initial was S! What did it stand for? Nothing! That's right, this True Man has a boundless void of nihilism right in the middle of his name! Say what you will about Truman, man, but at least it's an ethos.

In short, the only thing Coolidge will be pissing, is his own pants.

Doug: Yeah, Truman is a true man. And like all true men, he's mortal. His road will end, and Coolidge will see to that. As for Lidge, yeah, I guess he had a crummy year. Too bad he's not the type of player who's known for his comebacks. Oh wait, he has actually won an award for called the National League Comeback Player of the Year in 2008. You know, the same year he threw the final pitch of the World Series. So, I suppose Lidge isn't all that bad of a guy to support when you look at the big picture. And thank you for forcing me to recount the glories of one of my least favorite teams in Major League Baseball.

And Calvin Coolidge's middle name? It's Calvin. He was born John Calvin Coolidge, Jr. He was so into his middle name that he decided to just drop his first name. Coolidge is going to show that the 'S' in Harry S Truman really stands for.

And that is why my argument of showing Coolidge peeing on Truman is not, as you say, flawed.

Tony: I'm not sure playing the "mortal" card helps you, as ol' Cal there is also mortal, and thus open to his mortality being abruptly pierced within the Arena. As for Lidge, it's also good he doesn't have a history of screwing up on big stages, leading to years drifting in the wilderness.
Wait.

Hey look! It's George H.W. and Barbara Bush.

Anyway, about this fight. History shows that the only thing that can stop Truman's rampages is some form of authority figure. If Truman had been in charge during World War I, Germany would probably still be a smoking cinder. Does he have anyone reining him in when he faces Coolidge? Nope. Truman FTW.

Doug: Interesting.

You're still on the Brad Lidge thing? I was willing to play along for the sake of being a good sport, but c'mon. Someone reading this could get the impression that you're tying Coolidge's fighting ability to the pitching ability of someone born decades later because you're grasping for straws.

Truman was a blustery windbag who made references about cutting off Dutch kids' hands and feet (which still makes no sense to me). He's a big talker. And yes, I realize this is the man who ordered the dropping of two atomic bombs on civilians, but he doesn't have the bomb or thousands of miles of distance in the Arena like he did in '45.

You know how they say "you have to watch out for the quiet ones"? Coolidge is as quiet as they get. And the 'S' will stand for "slain."

Tony: Lidge, like Coolidge before him, is and was a man destined to fail. Even though each obtained brief moments of glory, such as winning the Presidency or closing out the World Series, their overwhelming legacies are, well, disappointing.

And I'm not going to apologize for Truman's bloodlust! This is a presidential death blog-- bloodlust is part of the game, and Truman played that game like Garry Kasparov plays chess. Game, set, and match!

Coolidge, meanwhile, probably thinks he can just get by on his two biggest skills, shutting up, and ignoring things. Sadly, for him, ignorance is going to be... bliss. For Truman. Because he's going to roll over Silent Cal.


The Chief: Classy as always, boys. It's votin' time! Make sure your voices are heard! Polls close 9am MDT on Friday.

Truman vs. Coolidge

"You Lose"

Calvin never lost his cool.

That is the hat of someone who never loses his cool.

Julia Mansfield wasn't even able to muster one vote per Hail to the Chief episode.

 Coolidge vs. Mansfield

Calvin Coolidge	16 (76.2%)
Julia Mansfield	5  (23.8%)

We knew going in that it was going to be a quiet week in terms of votes. It wasn't expected to be a very exciting matchup. We had a guy who is known for being quiet and composed going against some obscure '80s TV character who, while strong-willed, doesn't seem like much of a fighter herself. In fact, this very point was made in the comments section.

It probably would be a pretty boring fight to watch in real life.

Coolidge moves on to the 2nd Round, though members of the commentariat will have us believe that it's going to a be a short ride. He faces Harry S Truman in the 2nd Round, in a fight scheduled to kick off Oct. 17.

Be sure to check us out next week when Richard Nixon returns, this time with the rest of his body, to face Morgan Freeman's Tom Beck from Deep Impact.

Coolidge vs. Mansfield

Calvin Coolidge
30th President of the United States
Served 1923-1929
Age during term: 51-56

PROS: Silent... but Deadly — We'll be honest. Calvin Coolidge is not exactly the most renowned president in American history. However, there is one story about ol' Cal that has made the rounds for a long time, and you've probably heard it, somewhere. The gist is, Coolidge was a man of famously few words. One night, at a White House dinner party, Coolidge allegedly found himself seated next to poet/socialite Dorothy Parker. Parker allegedly remarked, "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you." Coolidge's alleged reply? "You lose."

After that, Parker was immediately whisked to the hospital, where she was admitted to the SICK BURNS unit.

"So what?" you say, disdainfully. "That won't help him in the arena." How can you be so sure? After all, that time Coolidge spends not talking? Is spent thinking, calculating, strategizing. He's going to find your weakness, and he's going to exploit it.

Ironic side-note: Silent Cal was not only the first President to have a speech broadcast by national radio, but he was also the first president captured on film with sound included.

Self-made Man — Coolidge spent his years before going into politics as a rather successful lawyer, founding his own law firm in 1898, and steadily growing it over the years. Not bad for someone who never spent a day in law school! Yup, you heard that right, Coolidge passed the bar in Massachusetts having never attended law school. Instead, Coolidge apprenticed at a law firm, and built his legal knowledge through a practice known as "reading law," which sounds boring, but apparently produced many a lawyer in the days before attending law school was, you know, required.

Frank Abignale never cared for such requirements. But that's beside the point.

You can't teach the kind of self-confidence that comes with that sort of start. And, you can't deny Coolidge was a success, either. Those factors are going to give him a good mental edge headed into his deathmatch.

CONS: Melancholy — All that stuff about Coolidge being Mr. Confidence-Pants? Well, that only really would count if we're getting a 1923-early 1924 Coolidge in the arena. Otherwise? Tragedy struck the Coolidge family in the summer of '24, when Cal's youngest son, Calvin Jr., developed a blister while playing tennis at the White House. Hey, no big deal, just a blister, right? Right, until young Cal developed sepsis. And died within days.

We don't really have a joke for this, so... kittens!

This occurred right in the middle of the 1924 presidential election campaign, which ended up being a much more subdued affair. Yes, Coolidge won handily (even though parts of his own party split off after the Republican Convention), but he was observed to be severely forlorn and withdrawn afterwards. Coolidge himself later admitted, "when [Cal Jr.] died, the power and glory of the Presidency went with him." Coolidge never really recovered, and declined to run for re-election in 1928. This kinda doesn't seem like someone who could win a fight to the death, you know?

Too lassiez-faire? — Look, the economy tends to go in cycles. The 1990s were boom times. Then, the dot-com bubble burst, September 11 happened, and it was bust times. The pendulum swings back and forth. However, that's not to say that the wrong actions at the wrong times can't make a big difference.

For example, giving Hans Gruber your gun definitely counts as the wrong action at the wrong time.
Even if it's not loaded.

Enter Calvin Coolidge. The entire decade of the 1920s was known as the Roaring Twenties for good reason: it was a boom period. Coolidge's economic philosophies favored small government, low taxes, and little regulation. And hey, why not? Things were good! Those of you with a basic grounding in American history, however, know that by 1929, when Coolidge left office, things were... perhaps a bit shaky. And wouldn't you know, a few months after he left office, the stock market crashed, ushering in a period known as the Great Depression. Coolidge's successor Hebert Hoover was left holding the bag when blame time came around, but... maybe a more involved government could have helped out? Maybe? Just saying.

Julia Mansfield
Fictional President of the United States portrayed by Patty Duke
Served in the ABC sitcom Hail to the Chief (1985)
Age: Duke was 38 when the show aired

PROS: Surrounded by hatred — With the exception of a few people, everyone in Mansfield’s inner-circle is a horrible bigot of some sort. Her husband called the gay Secret Service agent every homophobic slur in the book, including ones I didn’t realize you were able to utter on network television in the '80s.

When her eldest son, a tennis star, was asked about an upcoming match, he dismissively pointed out that his opponent was Bulgarian and all he needed to win was Lysol. What?! I didn't even know that was a thing.

Again... kittens!

I could go on, but it only gets more upsetting from there. Mansfield seems to be one of the few voices of reason in this White House. On the surface, she doesn’t seem the type to resort to racial epithets, but she’s surrounded by people who do — even if they don’t make sense (I didn’t even know there were stereotypes about Bulgarians). Being around that much negative energy angers up the blood, which should serve her well in the Arena.

Pent up energy — Mansfield’s husband can’t perform in the bedroom. She doesn’t know the real reason, but it’s because he feels guilty about cheating on her for years and years.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to play the misogynistic “What’s the matter, toots? Not getting enough of the good stuff at home?” or “All a dame really needs is a few minutes with a REAL man,” card. But really, there’s something everyone needs every now and again — regardless of what gender — a release. Especially Mansfield.

Being president is stressful. She narrowly avoided a nuclear war with the Soviet Union, her husband’s running around with KGB spies and the Christian Conservative groups — who also have no problem throwing around the word “faggot” like it’s no big deal — are willing to do anything to get her impeached.

Mansfield needs a release and if her husband isn’t going to give it to her, she’s going to punch a wall... or someone’s face.

... or she could go the Andy Bernard route and punch a hole in a wall of the Oval Office.

CONS: Voice of reason — Even when things were at their toughest, Mansfield kept a level head. She didn’t do anything too impulsive and she tried to use reasoning whenever she could. It served her well in the White House.

This is not the White House. This is the Presidential Gladiatorial Arena™. There’s no time for reasoning. Leave your level-headed demeanor at the door, because it won’t do you any good here.

Oliver Mansfield is still sleeping around — After the First “Gentleman” confesses to his wife about all of the cheating, he has a near-death experience (he’s shot by a character played by the same guy who played the dead guy from the Weekend at Bernie’s movies... long story). After coming out of the coma, he really promises to turn over a new leaf.

Then he boinks his mistress a few more times.

You know how pirate fetishists are.

Aside from a comical slap, Mansfield’s husband goes on largely unscathed. If she can’t work up enough ire to wallop her cheating husband, how can she get anywhere in the name of blood sport?

The Fight
Doug: All of that silent time thinking, calculating and strategizing and he couldn't see that his economic policies were (maybe) leading to The Great Depression coming? Yeech! I'd hate to think about what ideas he cooks up when he's to enter the ring.

Truth of the matter is that Mansfield is married to a loudmouth and she filled her top Cabinet posts to other loudmouths. Mansfield feels at home around loudmouths. I'm not exactly sure why, but hey, who am I to judge? Silent Cal's, well, silence is going to put Mansfield ill at ease. No one, including her, knows how she'll act in that situation.

Tony: Yeah, but here's the thing: Mansfield has a lot of problems, right? Not necessarily her, but here administration at large. What does she do? Nothing, really. Ooh, she slaps her husband! Please. Any good combatant would have gotten a crotch shot in at that point. I think Coolidge can do better than that. At the very least, dude's capable of drawing blood.

Doug: Coolidge can do better than that? Coolidge did nothing.

That's what "laissez-faire" means. When Cal Jr. died, did he beat his other son for letting him play tennis without socks? Did he start funding medical technology to help cure sepsis so that other people don't suffer the same loss? Did he make his son the poster child for preventing blood poisoning?

No, no and no. He did nothing. I'm not critiquing the guy for becoming sad and withdrawn when he lost his 16-year-old son. But we should expect nothing less from Mr. Laissez-Faire. So, I'm not really sure what he'd do in the arena, if anything.

Tony: Coolidge knew better than to try and switch horses in mid-stream. As long as the American economy was humming smoothly along, why upset the apple cart? No, Coolidge got on the trolley and rode it to greater financial success. I don't see why you'd penalize him for that. Look, maybe his Presidency didn't have any big crises to rise to, but was that the only executive job he ever held? Certainly not! What of his time as Governor of Massachusetts? What of the Boston Police Strike? Did Coolidge do nothing when 75% of Boston's police force walked off the job? Certainly not! He called in the national guard and proceeded to fire all the striking workers! Boom! Results! When the time came for action, he took action. And nothing says "action" like "President Coolidge, you must kill this woman, or she will kill you." Q.E.D.

Doug: I'd have to say, I know I'm supposed to be arguing that Mansfield would kick Coolidge's ass, but I honestly don't see it. Luckily for my side of the debate, I don't see Coolidge bringing the beatdown to Mansfield, either.

To be honest, this will probably be a very long, drawn out fight. Probably boring, too. It could last years and it may not end until one of them dies of old age. Since Coolidge was older as president and died at 60 (less than four years after leaving office), it would make sense that he would die first.

Let's just hope that when his death is announced in the ring, Dorothy Parker will be around to quip, "How can you tell?"

Tony: Eh, I dunno, I think Coolidge eventually gets fed up and starts getting sneaky. Like, he'd say something like, "look, your husband is philandering, again!" And when Mansfield turns around, he would take out her knees. Which is kind of hard to do from behind, but, whatever.

I do agree with you: not the most dynamic fight in the bracket. But hey, those matchups just help you appreciate the gems all the more, right?