Hail to Made-Up Lyrics

It must be difficult hearing the same song every single time you make a public appearance somewhere. Presidents could probably hear Hail to the Chief several times in one day, which must work out to thousands of times in a single four-year term. Imagine what that's like to two-termers.

Or worse, imagine what that must be like for people like George H.W. Bush. Though he and Reagan didn't appear everywhere together during Reagan's term, he must have heard his share of it during his eight years as vice president. Then, the following four years, the song was inescapable.

Fortunately, for Richard Nixon, he was able to take an eight-year break between his time as vice president and president. It must have been nice for him to get away from the tune for a little bit.

The movies would have us believe that presidents make up their own words to Hail to the Chief. That seems pretty probable. Kind of like making up words to the Super Mario Brothers theme, you hear a song without lyrics enough times, your own lyrics fall into place.

The song actually does have lyrics, but they're not nearly has fun as the ones listed below.

In Dave, William Harrison Mitchell sings his version with much gusto in the White House shower.

Hail to the Chief, he's the one we all say "hail" to.
We all say "hail" because he keeps himself so clean.
He's got the power, that's why he's in the shower...

The problem with these lyrics is that they're shower-oriented. They're only true when he's in the shower. I would hope the band doesn't play the song while the president, though I suppose it's possible that we may get a president who's "into that sort of thing."

Pausing real quick, can someone out there play "Attorney General" for us?

First lady Ellen Mitchell may have broken a law here. She burst into the bathroom while Dave was in the shower, and she forced him to expose himself to her. Bear in mind, at this point, she knows that the man in the shower is not her husband. This seems like it would warrant a sexual assault charge of some sort, or are we just being overly prosecutorial here?

Think of it this way. A man bursts into a bathroom where a woman is showering and he forces her to turn around to show him her body. Now, he doesn't touch her, but he definitely sneaks a peak. It just seems like, while it could be a lot worse, this guy would be registering as a sex offender.

Moving on to My Fellow Americans, a 1996 film that somehow flew under our radar while we were choosing fictional presidents. You want fictional presidents? This movie's got three; played by Jack Lemmon, James Garner and Dan Aykroyd.

In addition to three overlooked fictional presidents, it also has two versions of Hail to the Chief. At a point in the movie, two of the former presidents admit to having made up lyrics to the song.

Russell P. Kramer

Hail to the Chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing.
He is the Chief, so everybody hail like crazy.

Matt Douglas

Hail to the Chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you.
I am the Chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.

We'd say Matt Douglas wins this contest.

But while we're on the subject of fake Hail to the Chief lyrics, we would be remiss in not mentioning the lyrics that the Brady children sing in The Brady Bunch in the White House when their parents, the President Mike Brady and first lady/Vice President Carol Brady enter the room for a state dinner.

Hail to the Chief, he is walking in the room now.
All hail the chief, he's the leader of the land.
Let's all applaud, and give cheers for our dad now.
Hail to the Chief, and he's holding our mom's hand.

I'll give the Brady kids credit, they make up more lyrics than any of the others here. Though to Dave's defense, his version of the song was interrupted by a possible sexual predator.

Just a reminder, if you haven't already, please vote in this week's fight between JFK and Dave.
Another reminder, do yourself a favor and never watch The Brady Bunch in the White House.